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Stunned Adam Schefter Receives Ominous Tip From Future Self

BRISTOL, CT—Slowly returning to his desk shaken and confused, sources reported Wednesday that ESPN NFL Insider Adam Schefter was stunned to receive an ominous tip from his future self while walking through one of his office building’s hallways.

Infographic: 20 Years Of Netflix

Netflix was founded as an online DVD rental service in 1997 and has since evolved into a subscription-based streaming platform with its own slate of original programming. The Onion looks back at the most important moments in the company’s 20-year history.

Musical The Kind With Number About Putting On A Show

TALLAHASSEE, FL—Noting the increasingly animated choreography and behavior of the characters on stage, sources at the Tallahassee Community Theatre reported Friday that this is apparently the kind of musical with a big number about putting on a show.

What To Watch For In The New Obi-Wan Kenobi Film

Disney has announced they are in the early stages of developing a stand-alone ‘Star Wars’ film focused on the adventures of Jedi master Obi-Wan Kenobi. Here’s what fans can expect to see in the upcoming release.
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Movie Studio Blows Whole Budget On Big-Name Gaffer

BURBANK, CA—Insisting that such a film must not go under-gaffed, producers of the Warner Bros. comedy-horror film Blood Brothers reportedly coaxed Brett Atkins, the film industry’s most legendary gaffer, out of retirement this week at a cost rumored to be in the $50 million range. “Yes, roughly 90 percent of the film’s budget will go to gaffing, but Brett brings a level of lighting expertise and cable-laying innovation that is simply indispensable,” said executive producer Todd Wainwright, extolling Atkins’ “revolutionary” electrical work on 1994’s Clear And Present Danger. “We certainly don’t want another Green Lantern fiasco—$200 million of top-notch action spectacle, but Christ in heaven, the gaffing!” Offsetting the substantial expense, noted Wainwright, is the fact that this genre of film essentially key-grips itself.

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