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‘The Princess Bride’ By The Numbers

‘The Princess Bride’ was released 30 years ago today, and it has since become a classic beloved by people of all ages. ‘The Onion’ looks back at ‘The Princess Bride’ 30 years later.

Stunned Adam Schefter Receives Ominous Tip From Future Self

BRISTOL, CT—Slowly returning to his desk shaken and confused, sources reported Wednesday that ESPN NFL Insider Adam Schefter was stunned to receive an ominous tip from his future self while walking through one of his office building’s hallways.
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Movie Studio Blows Whole Budget On Big-Name Gaffer

BURBANK, CA—Insisting that such a film must not go under-gaffed, producers of the Warner Bros. comedy-horror film Blood Brothers reportedly coaxed Brett Atkins, the film industry’s most legendary gaffer, out of retirement this week at a cost rumored to be in the $50 million range. “Yes, roughly 90 percent of the film’s budget will go to gaffing, but Brett brings a level of lighting expertise and cable-laying innovation that is simply indispensable,” said executive producer Todd Wainwright, extolling Atkins’ “revolutionary” electrical work on 1994’s Clear And Present Danger. “We certainly don’t want another Green Lantern fiasco—$200 million of top-notch action spectacle, but Christ in heaven, the gaffing!” Offsetting the substantial expense, noted Wainwright, is the fact that this genre of film essentially key-grips itself.

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