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Movie Studio Blows Whole Budget On Big-Name Gaffer

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Director Has Clear Vision Of How Studio Will Destroy Movie

LOS ANGELES—Saying he can already picture exactly what the finished cut will look like on the big screen, Hollywood film director Paul Stanton told reporters Wednesday he has a clear vision of how studio executives will totally destroy his upcoming movie.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of June 14, 2016

ARIES: Once the laughter dies down, the party favors are put away, and the monkeys led back inside their cages, you’ll finally be given a chance to explain your side of the story.

Hollywood Stars Overthrown In Bloody C-List Uprising

LOS ANGELES—Unleashing a brutal wave of violence and destruction that has upended the entire power structure of the entertainment industry overnight, the nation’s C-list celebrities have carried out a bloody coup to overthrow the hottest stars in Hollywood, sources reported Tuesday.
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Movie Studio Blows Whole Budget On Big-Name Gaffer

BURBANK, CA—Insisting that such a film must not go under-gaffed, producers of the Warner Bros. comedy-horror film Blood Brothers reportedly coaxed Brett Atkins, the film industry’s most legendary gaffer, out of retirement this week at a cost rumored to be in the $50 million range. “Yes, roughly 90 percent of the film’s budget will go to gaffing, but Brett brings a level of lighting expertise and cable-laying innovation that is simply indispensable,” said executive producer Todd Wainwright, extolling Atkins’ “revolutionary” electrical work on 1994’s Clear And Present Danger. “We certainly don’t want another Green Lantern fiasco—$200 million of top-notch action spectacle, but Christ in heaven, the gaffing!” Offsetting the substantial expense, noted Wainwright, is the fact that this genre of film essentially key-grips itself.

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