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34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Mom Produces Decorative Gift Bag Out Of Thin Air

LEXINGTON, MA—Conjuring the item into existence along with several sheets of perfectly coordinated tissue paper, local mother Caroline Wolfson, 49, reportedly produced a decorative gift bag out of thin air Tuesday within a mere fraction of a second of her daughter mentioning she needed to wrap a present.

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.
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Movie Theater Employee Hurt By Customer's Comments About High Price Of Popcorn

PORTLAND, OR—Regal Lloyd Center 10 Cinema employee Justine Terrin told reporters Friday that a customer had deeply hurt her feelings by complaining aloud about the price of popcorn. "I was absolutely shattered—what on earth would make a person say something like that?" said Terrin, recounting how the customer turned to his friend and said $5 for a small bag of popcorn was "a little ridiculous." "The most devastating part was that he obviously knew I could hear what he was saying, and he didn't even care. It shook me to my core." Explaining that she was so distraught she had to take the rest of her shift off, Terrin told reporters she was considering working in another field such as telemarketing.

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