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Overeager Simpleton Destroys That Which He Loves Most

WICHITA, KS—Agonizingly unaware of his own strength and the devastation it might inflict on the innocent, overeager simpleton Rob McCormick tore apart a bag of potato chips Thursday, despite the fact that it was reportedly what he loved most in all the world.

Raccoon Family Tired Of Taking Care Of Rabid Father

MONTGOMERY, WV—Acknowledging that he has become a real burden on their foraging and nesting activities, a local raccoon family told reporters Tuesday that they are starting to get tired of taking care of their rabid father.
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Movie Theater Employee Hurt By Customer's Comments About High Price Of Popcorn

PORTLAND, OR—Regal Lloyd Center 10 Cinema employee Justine Terrin told reporters Friday that a customer had deeply hurt her feelings by complaining aloud about the price of popcorn. "I was absolutely shattered—what on earth would make a person say something like that?" said Terrin, recounting how the customer turned to his friend and said $5 for a small bag of popcorn was "a little ridiculous." "The most devastating part was that he obviously knew I could hear what he was saying, and he didn't even care. It shook me to my core." Explaining that she was so distraught she had to take the rest of her shift off, Terrin told reporters she was considering working in another field such as telemarketing.

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