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34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Mom Produces Decorative Gift Bag Out Of Thin Air

LEXINGTON, MA—Conjuring the item into existence along with several sheets of perfectly coordinated tissue paper, local mother Caroline Wolfson, 49, reportedly produced a decorative gift bag out of thin air Tuesday within a mere fraction of a second of her daughter mentioning she needed to wrap a present.

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.
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Moviegoer Manages To Sneak Candy Past Teenage Usher Earning $7 An Hour

WESTBOROUGH, MA—Executing a plan he had carefully devised and practiced in his mind several times, local moviegoer Kevin Shepard managed to sneak his own candy past the teenage Regal Cinema usher earning $7 an hour Thursday, sources confirmed. “I made it. All I had to do was tuck the Crunch bar and gummy bears into my coat pocket, keep my left hand in there covering the candy, and not take it out until I sat down in the theater,” a visibly pleased Shepard said after eluding the 17-year-old boy who had gotten stoned 90 minutes earlier and who typically spends the majority of his shift texting with friends whom he often lets into the theater for free. “I decided not to bring in a soda bottle because it would’ve stuck out of my coat and risked drawing too much attention. Then I just acted totally natural by making a little bit of eye contact when I handed him my ticket. Worked like a charm.” As of press time, the 40-year-old man had slipped stealthily out the theater’s back door and was quickly hurrying to his car in hopes of safely escaping the vicinity before the usher discovered the pile of incriminating wrappers left under his seat.

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