Moving-Day Tips

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Vol 37 Issue 19

Area Woman Can't Understand Concept of Suggested Donation

NEW YORK–During a Tuesday visit to the American Museum of Natural History, Omaha resident Mary Stefano, 49, struggled to understand the concept of suggested donation. "So, if the sign says $10 is the suggested donation, that means I have to pay $10, right?" Stefano asked the admission-counter cashier. "Because, if you could pay less, why wouldn't everyone pay less?" After the cashier explained that $10 is what most adults pay, but museum visitors have the option of paying more or less depending on their ability, Stefano replied, "But if I don't pay $10, I won't get to see the whole museum, right?" After another 10 minutes of queries, Stefano was escorted out of the museum by security.

Vast Array Of Lip-Balm Options Paralyzes Shopper

PLANT CITY, FL–Looking for relief for her dry, chapped lips, Walgreens shopper Danielle Liddle was paralyzed with indecision Monday upon confronting the store's vast, intimidating array of lip balms. "I just wanted some simple lip balm, and there was this entire wall," Liddle said. "Blistex, Carmex, Chap Stick, Bonne Bell Lip Smackers, Vaseline Lip Therapy, Burt's Beeswax–I didn't even know how to begin the selection process." After nearly 30 minutes of browsing, Liddle narrowed her choices down to Blistex mint, Walgreens cherry medicated, and Chap Stick Ultra SPF 30.

Supreme Court Agrees To Disagree On Abortion Issue

WASHINGTON, DC–After decades of divisive debate, the U.S. Supreme Court finally agreed to disagree Monday on the hot-button issue of abortion. "It is the opinion of this court that we could go on and on arguing about this forever," said Justice Antonin Scalia, who wrote the opinion in the 9-0 decision. "But in the end, that serves nobody. So, finally, we threw up our hands and said, 'Let's just agree to disagree.'" The court's ruling contains language that specifically prohibits justices from bringing up the matter again.

Man Hoping To Accidentally See Roommate's Girlfriend Naked

ATLANTA–Steve Smidlap, 23, roommate of Andy Cordova, admitted Monday that he is hoping to "accidentally" catch a glimpse of Cordova's girlfriend naked. "Every now and then, I'll just sit in the living room with the TV off and hope they think I'm in my room or out of the apartment altogether," said Smidlap, keeping an eye on the hallway between the bathroom and Cordova's room. "I think I have a decent shot of at least seeing Valerie's ass if I stay diligently to the task."

The Medical-Marijuana Ban

Last week, the Supreme Court ruled 8-0 that federal law does not allow a "medical necessity" exception to the ban on marijuana use. What do you think?

My Weed Connection Is Dried Up

Hola, amigos. Whaddaya say? I know it's been a long time since I rapped at ya, but I've been tied up lately. Actually, I meant "pissed off," not "tied up." It's hard for me to think straight these days. It seems like every little thing is stacking up against me, like the universe has got something against your old pal Jim Anchower.

China's Olympic Bid

Beijing is in competition with Toronto and Paris to host the 2008 Summer Games. What are the Chinese doing to win over the International Olympic Committee?
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Moving-Day Tips

Moving can be a major hassle, but with proper planning, it doesn't have to be. Here are some tips to make your next move as smooth as possible:

Moving-Day Tips


  • To avoid breakage, glass items should be melted down, then re-blown after moving into your new home.
  • Six weeks before moving day, fill one small box with books, seal it tightly, and write "books" on top in permanent marker. Then do nothing more until the day before your move.
  • If using friends to help move, show your gratitude by buying them a pizza. Don't mention that a professional mover would have cost about 300 times more than a pizza.
  • It is heartless and cruel to leave a pet at the humane society because of a move. Smother it in the bathtub and bag it up for trash day.
  • Throw smoke grenades into every room of your new home to flush out any possible Viet Cong.
  • Get a jump on things by cancelling electricity and water service several weeks before moving.
  • Move to Portland. It's a really cool city. They've got all these awesome parks downtown.
  • Waiting until the truck is pulling away to say goodbye to neighbors will make moving day a very moving day, indeed.
  • Instead of writing "Fragile" on boxes containing breakables, place a copy of Yes' Fragile on top.
  • Let professional movers take care of large, heavy items such as furniture and my cock.
  • Boxes are an unnecessary expense. Place all possessions in the truck and fill to top with packing peanuts.
  • Don't get too excited when you see a U-Haul truck that says "Moves Only $19.99" on the side. These signs are only intended as a joke.
  • After relocating to your new home, remember that you are legally obligated to go door-to-door informing your new neighbors that you are a convicted sex offender.
  • Rushing the previous tenants out of the apartment you're moving into is a great way to score free toiletries.
  • For the love of God, don't ever move.
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