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Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Bo Obama Addresses Graduates Of Dayton Obedience School

DAYTON, OH—Calling on the 2017 class of canines to make the most of their training as they head out into the world, former first dog Bo Obama delivered a stirring commencement speech Friday to graduates of the Dayton Obedience School.

‘Star Wars’ Turns 40

When George Lucas’ Star Wars premiered in 1977, the movie quickly became a phenomenon. On its 40th anniversary, The Onion looks back on the franchise’s defining moments:

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Most Notable Google Ventures

Ten years ago this week, Google Street View launched, offering panoramic views of locations all over the world. As the tech giant continues to debut new projects, The Onion highlights some of Google’s most ambitious ventures to date:

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
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Moving-Day Tips

Moving can be a major hassle, but with proper planning, it doesn't have to be. Here are some tips to make your next move as smooth as possible:

Moving-Day Tips


  • To avoid breakage, glass items should be melted down, then re-blown after moving into your new home.
  • Six weeks before moving day, fill one small box with books, seal it tightly, and write "books" on top in permanent marker. Then do nothing more until the day before your move.
  • If using friends to help move, show your gratitude by buying them a pizza. Don't mention that a professional mover would have cost about 300 times more than a pizza.
  • It is heartless and cruel to leave a pet at the humane society because of a move. Smother it in the bathtub and bag it up for trash day.
  • Throw smoke grenades into every room of your new home to flush out any possible Viet Cong.
  • Get a jump on things by cancelling electricity and water service several weeks before moving.
  • Move to Portland. It's a really cool city. They've got all these awesome parks downtown.
  • Waiting until the truck is pulling away to say goodbye to neighbors will make moving day a very moving day, indeed.
  • Instead of writing "Fragile" on boxes containing breakables, place a copy of Yes' Fragile on top.
  • Let professional movers take care of large, heavy items such as furniture and my cock.
  • Boxes are an unnecessary expense. Place all possessions in the truck and fill to top with packing peanuts.
  • Don't get too excited when you see a U-Haul truck that says "Moves Only $19.99" on the side. These signs are only intended as a joke.
  • After relocating to your new home, remember that you are legally obligated to go door-to-door informing your new neighbors that you are a convicted sex offender.
  • Rushing the previous tenants out of the apartment you're moving into is a great way to score free toiletries.
  • For the love of God, don't ever move.
  • More from this section

    ‘Star Wars’ Turns 40

    When George Lucas’ Star Wars premiered in 1977, the movie quickly became a phenomenon. On its 40th anniversary, The Onion looks back on the franchise’s defining moments:

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