Moving-Day Tips

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Man Races Against Time To Take Out Trash Bag With Widening Puncture

RIO RANCHO, NM—His pace steadily quickening as he rounded the corner out of his kitchen and made a beeline for the front door, local man Henry Parnasse reportedly found himself locked in a race against time Wednesday morning to take out a trash bag with a widening hole in its side.

Tips For Traveling With Young Children

Family vacations can be a time for bonding and building lasting memories, but when young children are involved, trips can also be stressful to plan and execute. Here are The Onion’s tips for traveling with kids
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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FIFA Frantically Announces 2015 Summer World Cup In United States

Global Soccer Tournament To Kick Off In America Later This Afternoon

ZURICH—After the Justice Department indicted numerous executives from world soccer’s governing body on charges of corruption and bribery, frantic and visibly nervous officials from FIFA held an impromptu press conference Wednesday to announce that the United States has been selected to host this summer’s 2015 World Cup.

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Coworkers Pull Off Daring One-Hour Lunch Break

TUCSON, AZ—Saying they couldn’t believe such a wild exploit had even been attempted, employees at local marketing firm Synergy Media Services told reporters they were still completely dumbfounded Thursday after account manager Tim Gibbons managed to pull off a daring one-hour lunch break.

Moving-Day Tips

Moving can be a major hassle, but with proper planning, it doesn't have to be. Here are some tips to make your next move as smooth as possible:

Moving-Day Tips


  • To avoid breakage, glass items should be melted down, then re-blown after moving into your new home.
  • Six weeks before moving day, fill one small box with books, seal it tightly, and write "books" on top in permanent marker. Then do nothing more until the day before your move.
  • If using friends to help move, show your gratitude by buying them a pizza. Don't mention that a professional mover would have cost about 300 times more than a pizza.
  • It is heartless and cruel to leave a pet at the humane society because of a move. Smother it in the bathtub and bag it up for trash day.
  • Throw smoke grenades into every room of your new home to flush out any possible Viet Cong.
  • Get a jump on things by cancelling electricity and water service several weeks before moving.
  • Move to Portland. It's a really cool city. They've got all these awesome parks downtown.
  • Waiting until the truck is pulling away to say goodbye to neighbors will make moving day a very moving day, indeed.
  • Instead of writing "Fragile" on boxes containing breakables, place a copy of Yes' Fragile on top.
  • Let professional movers take care of large, heavy items such as furniture and my cock.
  • Boxes are an unnecessary expense. Place all possessions in the truck and fill to top with packing peanuts.
  • Don't get too excited when you see a U-Haul truck that says "Moves Only $19.99" on the side. These signs are only intended as a joke.
  • After relocating to your new home, remember that you are legally obligated to go door-to-door informing your new neighbors that you are a convicted sex offender.
  • Rushing the previous tenants out of the apartment you're moving into is a great way to score free toiletries.
  • For the love of God, don't ever move.