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‘The Princess Bride’ By The Numbers

‘The Princess Bride’ was released 30 years ago today, and it has since become a classic beloved by people of all ages. ‘The Onion’ looks back at ‘The Princess Bride’ 30 years later.

National Zoo Announces Giant Pandas To Divorce

WASHINGTON—Assuring the public that the decision was difficult but the right thing to do for all parties involved, the Smithsonian National Zoological Park announced Friday that their giant pandas would be divorcing.
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Moving-Day Tips

Moving can be a major hassle, but with proper planning, it doesn't have to be. Here are some tips to make your next move as smooth as possible:

Moving-Day Tips


  • To avoid breakage, glass items should be melted down, then re-blown after moving into your new home.
  • Six weeks before moving day, fill one small box with books, seal it tightly, and write "books" on top in permanent marker. Then do nothing more until the day before your move.
  • If using friends to help move, show your gratitude by buying them a pizza. Don't mention that a professional mover would have cost about 300 times more than a pizza.
  • It is heartless and cruel to leave a pet at the humane society because of a move. Smother it in the bathtub and bag it up for trash day.
  • Throw smoke grenades into every room of your new home to flush out any possible Viet Cong.
  • Get a jump on things by cancelling electricity and water service several weeks before moving.
  • Move to Portland. It's a really cool city. They've got all these awesome parks downtown.
  • Waiting until the truck is pulling away to say goodbye to neighbors will make moving day a very moving day, indeed.
  • Instead of writing "Fragile" on boxes containing breakables, place a copy of Yes' Fragile on top.
  • Let professional movers take care of large, heavy items such as furniture and my cock.
  • Boxes are an unnecessary expense. Place all possessions in the truck and fill to top with packing peanuts.
  • Don't get too excited when you see a U-Haul truck that says "Moves Only $19.99" on the side. These signs are only intended as a joke.
  • After relocating to your new home, remember that you are legally obligated to go door-to-door informing your new neighbors that you are a convicted sex offender.
  • Rushing the previous tenants out of the apartment you're moving into is a great way to score free toiletries.
  • For the love of God, don't ever move.
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