Mozambique Out Of Toilet Paper

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Disney Unveils First Virgin Princess

LOS ANGELES—In an effort to better reflect the diverse backgrounds and experiences of their audience, Disney officials this week introduced Lily of Hazelberry, the company’s first virgin princess.
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  • The Onion’s Guide To Beach Etiquette

    The arrival of summer means that the nation’s beaches will soon be crowded with swimmers, tanners, surfers, and more, so it’s important for everyone to be conscious of each other’s space and needs. Here are some etiquette tips to ensure that everyone has a safe and relaxing time at the beach:

Mozambique Out Of Toilet Paper

MAPUTO, MOZAMBIQUE–Mozambican officials declared a state of emergency Monday following the depletion of the nation's bathroom-tissue supply. "We are imploring Zimbabwe and Tanzania, please look into your hearts and think about loaning our nation just a few million rolls until we can go shopping again," President Joaquim Chissano said. "We are just sitting here." Chissano said citizens of the African nation are making do with napkins and paper towels until reinforcements arrive.

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