Mr. Pretty-Boy Farmer Still Has All His Fingers

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Detective Not Sure He Was Close Enough To Partner To Endlessly Pursue Killer

DETROIT—After his partner of three years was gunned down last week while the pair were on duty, Detective David Killian of the Detroit Police Department’s Major Case Squad told reporters Wednesday he was unsure whether he had been close enough to his murdered colleague to single-mindedly pursue the killer for as long as it takes.

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Area Man Under Impression He Got Dressed Up

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MAPLEWOOD, MN—Explaining that he had assumed the deterioration of his physical and psychological state would be readily apparent, 3M sales associate Mark Uhler told reporters Wednesday he honestly thought his ongoing breakdown would be more obvious to everyone around him.

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Being Older Than Daughter Babysitter’s Only Qualification

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Total Weirdo Spends Mother’s Day At Cemetery

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Child Visiting Ellis Island Sees Where Grandparents Once Toured

ELLIS ISLAND, NY—Pausing to imagine the throngs of people who must have arrived with them that day back in 1994, 12-year-old Max Bertrand reportedly spent his visit to Ellis Island this afternoon walking around the same immigrant station his grandparents once toured.

Email From Mom Sent At 5:32 A.M.

DENVER—After waking up and finding the message waiting on his computer, local man Drew Swanson confirmed to reporters Thursday that his mother had sent him an email at 5:32 a.m.

Man Proud Of Food He Ordered

DEDHAM, MA—Noting how the man grinned with satisfaction after his Buffalo Chicken Ranch sandwich with a side of spiced panko onion rings arrived at his table, sources at Chili’s Grill & Bar confirmed Tuesday that local diner Matt Schoesse ...

Fast Food Drive-Thru Just Cow Carcass, Bucket For Money

VENTURA, CA—Calling it the ultimate combination of freshness, value, and convenience, local fast food chain Sunshine Burger announced that, beginning this week, its regular drive-thru windows would be replaced by a cow carcass and a bucket for money...

Oh God, Teacher Arranged Desks In Giant Circle

OVERLAND PARK, KS—Appearing stunned and unsettled as they entered her classroom Wednesday, students from Ms. Frederickson’s fourth-period social studies class were reportedly overcome with panic 

Disgusting Couple Always Interacting In Public

MINNEAPOLIS—Saying the pair was making everyone nearby feel uncomfortable, onlookers stated Wednesday they were disgusted by local couple Tyler Meacham and Caitlyn Ashford’s habit of interacting in public.

Siblings Quietly Relieved Oldest Brother Setting Bar So Low

CHARLOTTE, NC—Explaining how the 25-year-old’s personal and academic shortcomings had made their relationship with their parents far easier, siblings Eric and Theresa Conrad confided to reporters Friday that they were quietly relieved their ol...

Grandson’s Jigsaw Puzzle Strategy Fucking Pathetic

SCOTTSDALE, AZ—Calling the 7-year-old’s attempt at fitting together the pieces the most idiotic display he’s witnessed in almost eight decades on earth, local grandfather Harold Randolph told reporters Wednesday that his grandson’s...

Woman Has No Business Being An Extrovert

SAN ANTONIO, TX—Explaining that the character trait does not seem to suit her well, acquaintances of local woman Mary Randolph told reporters Wednesday that the 32-year-old accountant really has no business being an extrovert.

Man Completes Life $130,000 Over Budget

SAN FRANCISCO—Having drastically underestimated the expenses required for such an elaborate production, recently deceased local man Norman Dennison is said to have completed his 84-year life Tuesday approximately $130,000 over budget.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Coworkers Pull Off Daring One-Hour Lunch Break

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Late Night

Mr. Pretty-Boy Farmer Still Has All His Fingers

PARKERSBURG, IA—Forty-eight-year-old local farmer Eli Ridley is a real pretty-boy looker who still has all 10 of his digits, sources reported Monday.

Antonio Banderas here loves to flaunt them hands.

Mr. Hollywood movie star, who apparently has never once gotten his hand stuck inside a grain auger or had a ring finger pulped by a carelessly swung sledgehammer, reportedly gets the goo-goo eyes from all the waitresses at Tyler's Diner whenever he comes in to buy a cup of coffee.

"I bet it only takes him about 30 seconds to tie up his boots in the morning," said farmer Ted Barrow, gesturing with his gnarled finger-nubs. "Just look at him. Always wavin' at people and shakin' their hands without them recoiling in disgust. What a sissy."

According to locals, Ridley is so in love with his precious little fingers that he never removes the safety guards from dangerous machinery, and always thinks to shut off the PTO shafts before dismounting from his tractor. Parkersburg's very own Brad Pitt also takes his precious time and lets his combine head come to a complete stop whenever he needs to pull a rock out of it.

God forbid something happen to his 10 darling, milk-white babies, sources said.

"I saw him painting his barn one time when a thunderstorm rolled through," farmer Lee Yewell said. "Damned if he didn't scamper right down that aluminum ladder like a frightened squirrel after the first lightning strike."

"Wouldn't want a little rain to mess up that perfect hairdo, now, would we?" added Yewell, scratching his remaining shock of hair with a black and withered hand.

Ol' "Still Got My Thumbs" Ridley here has reportedly not once had to dial 911 with a pencil in his teeth and then wait in the bathtub for the ambulance to arrive, probably because he was too busy buttoning his flannel shirts all by himself without any help from anyone.

"Hell, I bet he doesn't even have to jam a teat between his index and middle finger and struggle to pull it down with all his might," dairy farmhand Jacob O'Toole said. "It's enough to make you sick."

In addition to having the prettiest little hands you ever did see, Slick Ridley also has full lung capacity on account of never having fallen into a silo and nearly suffocated in the corn. Not having to constantly gasp for air is reportedly real useful for sweet-talking all the women.

"Line up for '10 Fingers' Ridley, ladies," wheezed a farmer who was unable to give his name or offer further comment.

Some have questioned why Ridley continues to farm at all, when he could make so much more money as a male prostitute with his celebrity-quality, fully intact hands. When asked, sources confirmed that it's not as though he had to give up farming because a punctured hydraulic hose on a dump cart spewed a high-pressure jet of oil that severed off his right hand and three of the fingers on his left, so that he can no longer do an honest day's work and has to agonizingly type out news stories for 10 cents per word.

It is believed that when Ridley has dozens of grandchildren due to how perfect he is, they will never hesitate when forced by their parents to hug him.

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