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Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.

Family Moves Elderly Aunt Into Subconscious

RIO RANCHO, NM—After months spent deliberating the best option for their family, members of the Cooper household decided on Monday to move their elderly aunt Joyce Reynolds into their collective subconscious.

Wife Dropping Hints She Ready To Have Second Husband

LA JOLLA, CA—Noticing a sudden change in her demeanor and attentiveness when around young married men, sources confirmed Tuesday that area woman Michelle Roderick was beginning to drop hints that she wanted to try for a second husband.
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Mr. Pretty-Boy Farmer Still Has All His Fingers

PARKERSBURG, IA—Forty-eight-year-old local farmer Eli Ridley is a real pretty-boy looker who still has all 10 of his digits, sources reported Monday.

Antonio Banderas here loves to flaunt them hands.

Mr. Hollywood movie star, who apparently has never once gotten his hand stuck inside a grain auger or had a ring finger pulped by a carelessly swung sledgehammer, reportedly gets the goo-goo eyes from all the waitresses at Tyler's Diner whenever he comes in to buy a cup of coffee.

"I bet it only takes him about 30 seconds to tie up his boots in the morning," said farmer Ted Barrow, gesturing with his gnarled finger-nubs. "Just look at him. Always wavin' at people and shakin' their hands without them recoiling in disgust. What a sissy."

According to locals, Ridley is so in love with his precious little fingers that he never removes the safety guards from dangerous machinery, and always thinks to shut off the PTO shafts before dismounting from his tractor. Parkersburg's very own Brad Pitt also takes his precious time and lets his combine head come to a complete stop whenever he needs to pull a rock out of it.

God forbid something happen to his 10 darling, milk-white babies, sources said.

"I saw him painting his barn one time when a thunderstorm rolled through," farmer Lee Yewell said. "Damned if he didn't scamper right down that aluminum ladder like a frightened squirrel after the first lightning strike."

"Wouldn't want a little rain to mess up that perfect hairdo, now, would we?" added Yewell, scratching his remaining shock of hair with a black and withered hand.

Ol' "Still Got My Thumbs" Ridley here has reportedly not once had to dial 911 with a pencil in his teeth and then wait in the bathtub for the ambulance to arrive, probably because he was too busy buttoning his flannel shirts all by himself without any help from anyone.

"Hell, I bet he doesn't even have to jam a teat between his index and middle finger and struggle to pull it down with all his might," dairy farmhand Jacob O'Toole said. "It's enough to make you sick."

In addition to having the prettiest little hands you ever did see, Slick Ridley also has full lung capacity on account of never having fallen into a silo and nearly suffocated in the corn. Not having to constantly gasp for air is reportedly real useful for sweet-talking all the women.

"Line up for '10 Fingers' Ridley, ladies," wheezed a farmer who was unable to give his name or offer further comment.

Some have questioned why Ridley continues to farm at all, when he could make so much more money as a male prostitute with his celebrity-quality, fully intact hands. When asked, sources confirmed that it's not as though he had to give up farming because a punctured hydraulic hose on a dump cart spewed a high-pressure jet of oil that severed off his right hand and three of the fingers on his left, so that he can no longer do an honest day's work and has to agonizingly type out news stories for 10 cents per word.

It is believed that when Ridley has dozens of grandchildren due to how perfect he is, they will never hesitate when forced by their parents to hug him.

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Family Moves Elderly Aunt Into Subconscious

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