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Man Either Sick Or Just At End Of Workday

CINCINNATI—Overwhelmed by a wave of fatigue, local man Will Markowski told reporters Tuesday that he was uncertain whether he was getting sick or if it was just the end of a normal workday.

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.

Cryptic New Laundry Room Rule Hints At Tale Of Bizarre Infraction

HOBOKEN, NJ—Pondering the mysterious circumstances that could have led to such a sign being posted, sources within a local apartment building said Thursday that an enigmatic new rule taped to the wall of their laundry room suggested a strange infraction had taken place.

Dad Gets Dolled Up For Trip To Lowe’s

DEMING, IN—Glancing in the mirror while clipping a measuring tape to his belt, area dad Roger Hobak reportedly got all gussied up Wednesday before making the 14-mile trip to his local Lowe’s Home Improvement store.

Unclear What Coworker With Banana On Desk All Day Waiting For

MINNEAPOLIS—Annoyed that the fruit was even now just sitting there next to his computer monitor, sources at data analytics firm Progressive Solutions told reporters Wednesday that it was unclear what coworker Kevin Tanner, who has had a banana on his desk all day, was waiting for.

Father Teaches Son How To Shave Him

ST. CLOUD, MN—Judging him old enough to learn the time-honored family tradition passed down from father to son, local man William Dalton, 47, taught his 12-year-old child, David, how to properly shave him, sources reported Friday.

Mom Just Wants To Watch Something Nice

NORRISTOWN, PA—Hoping to have a quiet, relaxing movie night at home with her family, local mother Allison Halstead told reporters Tuesday that she just wants to watch something nice.
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Mr. Pretty-Boy Farmer Still Has All His Fingers

PARKERSBURG, IA—Forty-eight-year-old local farmer Eli Ridley is a real pretty-boy looker who still has all 10 of his digits, sources reported Monday.

Antonio Banderas here loves to flaunt them hands.

Mr. Hollywood movie star, who apparently has never once gotten his hand stuck inside a grain auger or had a ring finger pulped by a carelessly swung sledgehammer, reportedly gets the goo-goo eyes from all the waitresses at Tyler's Diner whenever he comes in to buy a cup of coffee.

"I bet it only takes him about 30 seconds to tie up his boots in the morning," said farmer Ted Barrow, gesturing with his gnarled finger-nubs. "Just look at him. Always wavin' at people and shakin' their hands without them recoiling in disgust. What a sissy."

According to locals, Ridley is so in love with his precious little fingers that he never removes the safety guards from dangerous machinery, and always thinks to shut off the PTO shafts before dismounting from his tractor. Parkersburg's very own Brad Pitt also takes his precious time and lets his combine head come to a complete stop whenever he needs to pull a rock out of it.

God forbid something happen to his 10 darling, milk-white babies, sources said.

"I saw him painting his barn one time when a thunderstorm rolled through," farmer Lee Yewell said. "Damned if he didn't scamper right down that aluminum ladder like a frightened squirrel after the first lightning strike."

"Wouldn't want a little rain to mess up that perfect hairdo, now, would we?" added Yewell, scratching his remaining shock of hair with a black and withered hand.

Ol' "Still Got My Thumbs" Ridley here has reportedly not once had to dial 911 with a pencil in his teeth and then wait in the bathtub for the ambulance to arrive, probably because he was too busy buttoning his flannel shirts all by himself without any help from anyone.

"Hell, I bet he doesn't even have to jam a teat between his index and middle finger and struggle to pull it down with all his might," dairy farmhand Jacob O'Toole said. "It's enough to make you sick."

In addition to having the prettiest little hands you ever did see, Slick Ridley also has full lung capacity on account of never having fallen into a silo and nearly suffocated in the corn. Not having to constantly gasp for air is reportedly real useful for sweet-talking all the women.

"Line up for '10 Fingers' Ridley, ladies," wheezed a farmer who was unable to give his name or offer further comment.

Some have questioned why Ridley continues to farm at all, when he could make so much more money as a male prostitute with his celebrity-quality, fully intact hands. When asked, sources confirmed that it's not as though he had to give up farming because a punctured hydraulic hose on a dump cart spewed a high-pressure jet of oil that severed off his right hand and three of the fingers on his left, so that he can no longer do an honest day's work and has to agonizingly type out news stories for 10 cents per word.

It is believed that when Ridley has dozens of grandchildren due to how perfect he is, they will never hesitate when forced by their parents to hug him.

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