adBlockCheck

Mr. Special Foreign Man Won't Read Anything Not Written In His Own Language

Top Headlines

Local

Man Practices Haircut Request Before Heading To Barber

MINNEAPOLIS—Having scripted a set of lines he hoped to deliver with confidence and decisiveness, local 34-year-old Jason Clyne carefully rehearsed his haircut request several times Friday before heading to his local barbershop, sources confirmed.

Ronald McDonald Statue Bears Full Brunt Of Teenagers’ Mockery

CLEVELAND—Remaining stoically silent throughout the barrage of vicious insults, unsavory accusations, and various other indignities directed at it, a statue of Ronald McDonald seated on a bench outside the fast-food chain’s Clark Avenue location is said to have borne the full force of a group of teenagers’ mockery Thursday.

Woman Leaving Meeting Worried She Came Off As Too Competent

OXNARD, CA—Silently chastising herself for the way she behaved in front of her colleagues and supervisors, Cobalt Property Insurance sales associate Leah Manning, 36, was reportedly deeply worried Tuesday that she came off as too competent during the company’s weekly sales meeting.

Mom Has Stacked Dinner Party Roster

GOLDEN, CO—Their eyes widening in amazement as the 43-year-old rattled off the names of heavy hitter after heavy hitter, impressed members of the Dreeshen household confirmed Friday that the roster for their mom’s upcoming dinner party was absolutely stacked.

Bold Intern Giving Parents Tour Of Office

CHICAGO—Brazenly strolling through the rows of desks while pointing out the firm’s various departments to his two guests, Lodestone Media intern Nate Kapper, 19, made the incredibly bold move of giving his parents a tour of the company’s offices Wednesday, sources reported.

Beautiful Spring Day No Match For Last 35 Years Of Man’s Life

LITTLE ROCK, AR—Nullified almost immediately by the collective force of decades’ worth of resentment and disappointment, a bright and beautiful spring day was said to be no match for the past 35 years of local man Thomas Unger’s life, sources confirmed Tuesday.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Satisfaction

Mr. Special Foreign Man Won't Read Anything Not Written In His Own Language

CHICAGO—Greek-born resident Anatole Pialoglou was again engrossed in Greek-language reading material, this time a newspaper, throughout his morning commute Monday, incredulous passengers on Chicago's Blue Line reported.

Pialoglou in a foreign repose outside the Greek Cultural Center or something.

"There goes Mr. Special Foreign Man again with his sophisticated foreign newspaper," asset-management analyst Tim Hollingsworth, 28, said after having to stand directly in front of the seated Greek and the incomprehensible text during rush hour. "He was sitting there quietly. I couldn't make out what it was, but it looked like he was reading a story about a murder or maybe an accident," Hollingsworth said of the Mediterranean, who appears to  prefer the crime and political chaos of his own country to what is available in the U.S.

Eyewitnesses familiar with Pialoglou's discourteous literary leanings said the 53-year-old Thessaly native is almost always carrying a periodical or paperback composed of Greek letters they'd encountered previously only on college-campus  fraternity houses.

"It was definitely Greek," said Amy Kissler, a dental assistant who was a passenger on this unexpected train ride through "Little Sparta."

Pialoglou is the manager at a small branch office of a Greek-owned commercial shipping company in which the primary language spoken among employees is not English, but Greek. Pialoglou prefers to have his newspaper—printed in far-off Athens—sent to the office via air mail, rather than spend the 50¢ necessary for the Chicago Tribune, read by thousands of English-speaking Americans every day, according to postal carrier RaVanne Cambridge.

"I know he can speak some English," Cambridge said. "I've talked to him a few times while he was signing for package deliveries."

The effort and money Pialoglou expends on a little news from the homeland, despite the fact that he has lived in the U.S. for over 20 years and has demonstrated a significant familiarity with written and conversational English, is extreme, according to some witnesses. On the rare occasion when Pialoglou does use the predominant tongue of his adopted country, they said, he utters it in monosyllabic, heavily accented tones that some described as "grunts."

Pialoglou's newspaper, airmailed all the way from Athens, is still completely illegible here in the US.

"He can be difficult to understand," said waitress Kathi Braithwaite, who often has to endure serving Pialoglou at a diner near his office. "Sometimes I wish I could speak Greek," she went on, implying that she would then find out whether he barks out his lunch orders in his mother tongue as rudely as he does in English.

Hollingsworth wondered if Pialoglou could perhaps join forces with the Hasidic Jew he occasionally encounters on the Brown Line train who pores obsessively over a small, foreign book. The pair might even consider starting a sick kind of reading group.

"It seems like he's only interested in reading material from Greece," Kissler said, curious why anyone would be interested in anything from a country that seems to churn out little more than plays about incest, where communists regularly win elections, and whose most memorable icon, Zorba, was not portrayed by a native.

In addition to reading expensive foreign-made newspapers, Pialoglou has allegedly never set foot in a Jewel-Osco supermarket or even a White Hen Pantry, insisting instead on the pungent cheese, bitter olives, and other obscure delicacies found in a small Greek shop in Chicago's Greektown neighborhood, where he also, not surprisingly, resides. 

Asked for comment on his Hellenic habit, Pialoglou, despite a lengthy, emotional response, failed to shed much light on the subject.

"I find [unintelligible] lacking [unintelligible] shipping [string of rumbling epiglottals] European Union [long series of incoherent dipthongs] home," Pialoglou said.

Pialoglou was unable or unwilling to comprehend a follow-up question about his propensity for anal sex with hairy women.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close