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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.
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MRI Exam Shows Yadier Molina’s Knee Contains All Kinds Of Gross Tendons, Cartilage

ST. LOUIS—Results from an MRI scan of Cardinals catcher Yadier Molina’s right knee revealed a “super gross” mess of blood, cartilage, and tendons inside the joint, concerned radiologists confirmed Thursday. “Yadier’s knee appears to be full of all this nasty, slimy stuff that totally makes you want to puke,” said Saint Louis University’s Dr. Joseph Farber, adding that there are a bunch of nasty worm-like things everywhere in the “completely disgusting” knee. “It’s all wet and greasy, too, almost like ground beef or brains. Ugh, I don’t even want to look at it, let alone touch it.” Farber added that Molina should avoid putting any weight on the knee, warning that doing so would “probably cause it to fall apart or explode or something.”

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Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

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