MRI Exam Shows Yadier Molina’s Knee Contains All Kinds Of Gross Tendons, Cartilage

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Vol 49 Issue 28

Study: Diet Soda Doesn’t Aid Weight Loss

A recent study by Purdue University has found that, contrary to popular thinking, drinking diet soda doesn’t aid in weight loss, and that its consumption can actually increase the likelihood of obesity and development of precursors to diabetes, card...

The Onion's Tips For Treating A Sunburn

Find cool, secluded aisle at Walgreens and generously slather on any of the wide variety of moisturizers available on the shelves Place body in cool, dark hole under 5 to 6 feet of dirt For true pain relief, morphine is really the only way to go, or obvi...

Microsoft Announces Major Company Overhaul

In a bid to compete more fiercely with competitors like Apple, Google, and Amazon, Microsoft on Thursday announced a sweeping reorganization, which officials say will help the company react more quickly to changing technology and speed up development of p...
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Man Commits To New TV Show Just Hours After Getting Out Of 7-Season Series

UNION CITY, NJ—Recommending that he give himself the chance to pause and explore the other options out there, friends of local man Jonathan Gember expressed their concerns to reporters Wednesday that the 29-year-old is already committing to a new television show just hours after getting out of a seven-season-long series.

MRI Exam Shows Yadier Molina’s Knee Contains All Kinds Of Gross Tendons, Cartilage

ST. LOUIS—Results from an MRI scan of Cardinals catcher Yadier Molina’s right knee revealed a “super gross” mess of blood, cartilage, and tendons inside the joint, concerned radiologists confirmed Thursday. “Yadier’s knee appears to be full of all this nasty, slimy stuff that totally makes you want to puke,” said Saint Louis University’s Dr. Joseph Farber, adding that there are a bunch of nasty worm-like things everywhere in the “completely disgusting” knee. “It’s all wet and greasy, too, almost like ground beef or brains. Ugh, I don’t even want to look at it, let alone touch it.” Farber added that Molina should avoid putting any weight on the knee, warning that doing so would “probably cause it to fall apart or explode or something.”

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