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OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.
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MRI Exam Shows Yadier Molina’s Knee Contains All Kinds Of Gross Tendons, Cartilage

ST. LOUIS—Results from an MRI scan of Cardinals catcher Yadier Molina’s right knee revealed a “super gross” mess of blood, cartilage, and tendons inside the joint, concerned radiologists confirmed Thursday. “Yadier’s knee appears to be full of all this nasty, slimy stuff that totally makes you want to puke,” said Saint Louis University’s Dr. Joseph Farber, adding that there are a bunch of nasty worm-like things everywhere in the “completely disgusting” knee. “It’s all wet and greasy, too, almost like ground beef or brains. Ugh, I don’t even want to look at it, let alone touch it.” Farber added that Molina should avoid putting any weight on the knee, warning that doing so would “probably cause it to fall apart or explode or something.”

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New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

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