MTV Launches 'Rock the Census' Campaign

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Vol 30 Issue 05

Instant Gratification Sped Up

WASHINGTON, DC—Bowing to the demands of the American people, U.S. officials sped up instant gratification yesterday, making wish fulfillment more immediate than ever before. "Although gratification has been instant ever since the early '70s in this country," said William Lawson, chair of the National Gratification Investigatory Committee, "many Americans were still complaining it just wasn't fast enough." According to Lawson, from now on, gratification will actually be faster than instantaneous, occuring some .002 milliseconds before desire is even felt.

Film To Be Made Into John Grisham

OXFORD, MS—According to entertainment industry insiders, Columbia Pictures' 1995 courtroom thriller, The Witness, will soon be made into noted fiction writer John Grisham. The story of a blind boy who hears a racially charged murder take place in a Washington, DC coffee shop, The Witness will become a six-foot-one, 190-pound, best-selling lawyer-turned-author with a penchant for writing gripping page-turners set in the legal world. "We believe this recent box-office smash will make a great Oxford, Mississippi-based author," said David Rudner, Columbia Pictures' spokesperson. "The gripping dialogue and nail-biting trial scenes should have people who meet Grisham on the edge of their seats." The Witness: The Human Being is due out in July of '97.

Area Panties In A Bunch

CROSS PLAINS, GA—According to police, a pair of area panties was discovered yesterday all wound up in a bunch and badly in need of some loosening. "Whoever owned these panties," Cross Plains Police Chief Jonathan Norcross said, "obviously needed to relax. Failure to chill out is the number one reason so many panties get bunched in this country each year." Though the panties investigation is still pending, Norcross denied rumors of a connection between yesterday's incident and a pair of Atlanta-area undies discovered last Sunday in a bundle.

Jews To Celebrate Rosh Hashasha Or Something

JERUSALEM—Jews the world over are preparing to celebrate Rosh Hashanukah or something this weekend, the traditional Jewish holiday marking some sort of rebirth and new beginning, or maybe the Jews' liberation from some foreign ruler 55,000 years ago. "Rash Kishansha is a very holy time for the Jewish people," said Paul Castellano, a guy from Houston whose gastroenterologist is Jewish. "I think Dr. Futterman said it's the holiday where they light that chandelier and blow that horn." Lasting 12 days, Ran Hosea is followed by Yor Kiplach, the Festival of Sand, during which no buttered bread may be eaten in remembrance of the flooding of the ancient Temple of Hosea.

Nike to Cease Manufacturing Products

BEAVERTON, OR—Citing creative confinement and a desire to focus exclusively on what it does best, the Nike Corporation announced Monday it will cease manufacturing athletic shoes and other sports-related merchandise in order to devote itself fully to the creation of state-of-the-art television advertisements.

Local Teen Slated to Masturbate Furiously

SALEM, IN—In a move designed to relieve several years of pent-up sexual frustration, area teen Jeremy Royce is slated for fever-pitched, white-hot masturbation later this evening.

Philip Morris Under Fire

With statistics showing teen smoking greatly on the rise, the federal government is taking aim at tobacco companies, proposing legislation limiting them to text-only ads in youth-oriented publications and banning cigarette billboards near public schools. What do you think?
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MTV Launches 'Rock the Census' Campaign

NEW YORK—With four years to go before 2000, MTV is already launching a campaign designed to ensure widespread Generation X participation in the decennial national census survey.

Lenny Kravitz (above) is just one of the many artists rocking out to help get America's youth excited about the coming 2000 U.S. Census. The MTV Census Hoopty (right) will soon be touring across the country, showing young people that "it's cool to be counted."

"Let's be gettin' tallied!" popular rap artist/television star Queen Latifah shouted to the crowd at a free concert kicking off the "Rock the Census" program. "Yo—somebody say cen-sus... Cen-sus! Sur-vey... sur-vey! Hell, yeah!"

According to MTV officials, in addition to a series of free concerts, the Rock the Census program will include: special Blockbuster-sponsored registration spots; an interactive website where teens can "chat" with rock stars like Lenny Kravitz and Jewel about the history of the census; and a fleet of recreational vehicles, or DemographicMobiles, that will travel around the country distributing to teens brightly colored packets of raw statistical data about the U.S. populace.

Tabitha Soren, an MTV reporter well-known for her hard-hitting, in-depth investigative journalism, said that the Rock the Census program is an outgrowth of the network's "Rock the Vote" campaign, begun during the 1992 presidential campaign, which as of July 1996 had registered more than 80 new voters across the country.

"Back in 1990, a lot of young people didn't participate in the census," Soren said. "Most of them just didn't think it was 'cool.' Well, by the time 2000 rolls around, we want every kid in America to know that it's cool to be counted."

MTV Launches 'Rock the Census' Campaign

Also on hand to launch the campaign was Matt LeBlanc, star of NBC's runaway smash-hit comedy Friends, who is featured in the first on-air spot. LeBlanc said he was "excited and honored" to be part of the drive. "The Census is really important, and it's important that young people recognize that importance," LeBlanc said.

Soren gave a preview of the website (http:www.mtv.census.cool!.com), which in addition to major rock stars will feature Census-related trivia, interviews with Census workers, and easy-to-follow practice forms designed to make giving personal statistical information like age and annual income fun.

Web-surfers will also be able to download several specially written Census songs, like the Red Hot Chili Peppers' "Funk'n Up Your Seven-Page Census Form" and Prince's "U R 2 Quantifiable 4 the U.S. Bureau of Statistics."

MTV has grown increasingly active on the political scene in the past few years. In conjunction with last year's early April tax rush, the network aired "Yo! MTV Tithes!" a one-hour special hosted by rap star Coolio aimed at getting inner-city youth to properly fill out their annual tax returns.

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