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Politics

Extreme Storms To Rip Through Godforsaken Midwestern Wasteland

The Onion Weather Center focuses on the Midwest, where a storm system should recede into the distance like any hope of a stable economic future; a tornado bears down on a podunk, backwater hick town; and field reporter Matt Jennings is live from God knows where.

Revelations From Hillary Clinton’s New Memoir

‘What Happened,’ a new memoir detailing the trials and tribulations of Hillary Clinton’s 2016 campaign, was released today, with Clinton supporters and detractors already divided on its contents. Here are some of Hillary’s bombshell revelations:

Joe Arpaio’s Family Surprises Him With Detained Hispanic Motorist

FOUNTAIN HILLS, AZ—In celebration of the dismissal of his conviction for criminal contempt via presidential pardon, Joe Arpaio’s family reportedly sought to surprise the former sheriff Tuesday with a 30-year-old Mexican national whom they detained on suspicion of having entered the country illegally.
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Much-Criticized Media Vows To Return To Softball Tactics

WASHINGTON—Having endured weeks of pointed criticism over their aggressive questions, research-based analyses, and recent tendency to reference the candidates' actual records, America's political journalists vowed Monday to return to their long-standing tradition of lobbing meaningless questions and admiring remarks at this year's presidential and vice presidential nominees.

"On behalf of the entire American media, I would like to apologize to the free world for our unwelcome and inappropriate forays into public accountability and accurate reporting," said Leonard Downie, Jr., executive editor of The Washington Post. "We don't know what got into us. One minute we're printing Obama's iTunes playlist, but the next minute we're checking the veracity of McCain's negative campaign ads. That's not what political journalism is supposed to be about, and we are sorry."

Further reports indicate that all television news outlets will immediately cease their unnecessary vetting of the vice presidential candidates, and plans have been announced to replace the upcoming debates with an optional, multiple-choice mail-in questionnaire.

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