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Politics

Robert Mueller Driving SUV 100 MPH Down Runway As Air Force One Narrowly Lifts Off

PRINCE GEORGE’S COUNTY, MD—Sending a pair of guards scrambling for safety as he gunned his black SUV through a chain-link gate and onto the tarmac, Robert Mueller, the former FBI director who was recently tapped to lead the ongoing investigation into the Trump campaign’s ties to Russia, chased Air Force One down the runway at Joint Base Andrews moments before takeoff, sources reported Tuesday.
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Much-Criticized Media Vows To Return To Softball Tactics

WASHINGTON—Having endured weeks of pointed criticism over their aggressive questions, research-based analyses, and recent tendency to reference the candidates' actual records, America's political journalists vowed Monday to return to their long-standing tradition of lobbing meaningless questions and admiring remarks at this year's presidential and vice presidential nominees.

"On behalf of the entire American media, I would like to apologize to the free world for our unwelcome and inappropriate forays into public accountability and accurate reporting," said Leonard Downie, Jr., executive editor of The Washington Post. "We don't know what got into us. One minute we're printing Obama's iTunes playlist, but the next minute we're checking the veracity of McCain's negative campaign ads. That's not what political journalism is supposed to be about, and we are sorry."

Further reports indicate that all television news outlets will immediately cease their unnecessary vetting of the vice presidential candidates, and plans have been announced to replace the upcoming debates with an optional, multiple-choice mail-in questionnaire.

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