Much-Criticized Media Vows To Return To Softball Tactics

In This Section

1783: First Onion Issue

Historical Archives: Kid-ney Bean Shaped Organ Recently Discovered

By Chirurgeons and Blood-Letters, in Boston DISCOVER'D, an Organelle of the Body, an' that Human; excis'd from the Back & Mottl'd Purple in Colour, and very like a Kiddney-Bean in SHAPE, which when Remov'd causes Expiration, as with all Organs. By Chirurgeons and Blood-Letters, in Boston DISCOVER'D, an...
End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Productivity

Scientists Posit Theoretical ‘Productive Weekend’

CAMBRIDGE, MA—Challenging long-accepted scientific convention, a group of leading MIT scientists published a report Thursday positing that, under certain rare and specific conditions, a so-called “productive weekend” is theoretically pos...

Race Relations

Much-Criticized Media Vows To Return To Softball Tactics

WASHINGTON—Having endured weeks of pointed criticism over their aggressive questions, research-based analyses, and recent tendency to reference the candidates' actual records, America's political journalists vowed Monday to return to their long-standing tradition of lobbing meaningless questions and admiring remarks at this year's presidential and vice presidential nominees.

"On behalf of the entire American media, I would like to apologize to the free world for our unwelcome and inappropriate forays into public accountability and accurate reporting," said Leonard Downie, Jr., executive editor of The Washington Post. "We don't know what got into us. One minute we're printing Obama's iTunes playlist, but the next minute we're checking the veracity of McCain's negative campaign ads. That's not what political journalism is supposed to be about, and we are sorry."

Further reports indicate that all television news outlets will immediately cease their unnecessary vetting of the vice presidential candidates, and plans have been announced to replace the upcoming debates with an optional, multiple-choice mail-in questionnaire.

Next Story

Onion Video

Watch More