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Politics

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.

Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.
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Much-Criticized Media Vows To Return To Softball Tactics

WASHINGTON—Having endured weeks of pointed criticism over their aggressive questions, research-based analyses, and recent tendency to reference the candidates' actual records, America's political journalists vowed Monday to return to their long-standing tradition of lobbing meaningless questions and admiring remarks at this year's presidential and vice presidential nominees.

"On behalf of the entire American media, I would like to apologize to the free world for our unwelcome and inappropriate forays into public accountability and accurate reporting," said Leonard Downie, Jr., executive editor of The Washington Post. "We don't know what got into us. One minute we're printing Obama's iTunes playlist, but the next minute we're checking the veracity of McCain's negative campaign ads. That's not what political journalism is supposed to be about, and we are sorry."

Further reports indicate that all television news outlets will immediately cease their unnecessary vetting of the vice presidential candidates, and plans have been announced to replace the upcoming debates with an optional, multiple-choice mail-in questionnaire.

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