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The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:

Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.
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Mumford And Sons Can't Believe They All Got Each Other Mandolins For Christmas

LONDON—According to sources close to the English folk-rock quartet Mumford and Sons, the band’s members were surprised to discover during their annual Christmas gift exchange Wednesday that they had all gotten each other new mandolins. “I love my mandolin so much that I decided this was the year to introduce Ted [Dwane], Ben [Lovett], and Winston [Marshall] to this wonderful instrument,” said lead singer and guitarist Marcus Mumford, whose bandmates confirmed they each independently decided to buy each other mandolins with the exact same thought in mind. “To be honest, I thought at least some of the 12 mandolin-shaped packages would turn out to be banjos, dobros, or buzuqs when we unwrapped them. But I can’t say I’m disappointed when I think about the amazing sound we could create with this many mandolins.” Mumford added that the coincidence was at least an improvement over last year’s exchange, when each of the four musicians went home with three copies of the band’s debut EP, Love Your Ground.

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Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

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