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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Munchstrosity Created In Frito-Layboratory

TRANSFATSYLVANIA—Conducting an immoral and reprehensible snacksperiment, Doritologists working in the Frito-Layboratory reportedly unleashed an evil of cheddarclysmic proportions Monday when they brought an appalling munchstrosity to life. “What have we wrought?” said Dr. Hans Wolfram, one of the world’s top cheesearchers and supervisor of the chipnetic engineers who created the grotesque 8-foot-tall gut-bombination from puffs, curls, Ruffles, pretzels, and doodles. “This salty, crispy freak of unnatural flavor must be destroyed before a crunchtastrophe occurs.” At press time, panicked Frito-Layboratory snacksistants were attempting to chain the horrendous munchstrosity to the walls of the Funyungeon.

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