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God Sick Of New Angel’s Annoying Fucking Voice

THE HEAVENS—Calling the sound a “cross between a train whistle and a dying goat,” God, Our Lord And Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was already sick of a new angel’s “incredibly fucking annoying voice.

Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:
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Munchstrosity Created In Frito-Layboratory

TRANSFATSYLVANIA—Conducting an immoral and reprehensible snacksperiment, Doritologists working in the Frito-Layboratory reportedly unleashed an evil of cheddarclysmic proportions Monday when they brought an appalling munchstrosity to life. “What have we wrought?” said Dr. Hans Wolfram, one of the world’s top cheesearchers and supervisor of the chipnetic engineers who created the grotesque 8-foot-tall gut-bombination from puffs, curls, Ruffles, pretzels, and doodles. “This salty, crispy freak of unnatural flavor must be destroyed before a crunchtastrophe occurs.” At press time, panicked Frito-Layboratory snacksistants were attempting to chain the horrendous munchstrosity to the walls of the Funyungeon.

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