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Most Notable Google Ventures

Ten years ago this week, Google Street View launched, offering panoramic views of locations all over the world. As the tech giant continues to debut new projects, The Onion highlights some of Google’s most ambitious ventures to date:

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

What Is Trump Hiding?

As The Onion’s 300,000 staffers in its news bureaus and manual labor camps around the world continue to pore through the immense trove of documents obtained from an anonymous White House source, the answers that are emerging to these questions are deeply unnerving and suggest grave outcomes for the American people, the current international order, Wolf Blitzer, four of the five Great Lakes, and most devastatingly, the nation’s lighthouses and lighthouse keepers.

Deep Blue Quietly Celebrates 10th Anniversary With Garry Kasparov’s Ex-Wife

PITTSBURGH—Red wine and candlelight on the table before them, Deep Blue, the supercomputer that defeated reigning world chess champion Garry Kasparov in 1997, and Kasparov’s ex-wife, Yulia Vovk, quietly celebrated their 10th anniversary on Wednesday at a small French restaurant near Carnegie Mellon University, where Deep Blue was created.
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Murder Suspect To Be Tried By Media: Overworked Justice System Grateful For Help

LOS ANGELES—Overwhelmed by an enormous, ever-growing criminal caseload, the Los Angeles district attorney's office announced Monday that William Craig—arrested last week in connection with a string of high-profile Bel Air stabbings—will be tried by the media.

Murder suspect William Craig is surrounded by journalists assigned to cover/conduct his trial.

"More than 150,000 cases come through this office every year, and, despite our best efforts, we simply are not equipped to adequately handle them all," Los Angeles district attorney Benjamin Dozier said. "That is why we are launching an experimental new program in conjunction with the National Society of Journalism Professionals, in which certain criminal cases will be tried by the media. In these cases, the media will serve not only as judge and jury, but also as executioner."

According to Dozier, an alliance between the judicial system and the media should prove mutually beneficial. "This partnership makes good sense for both sides: By handing over a percentage of cases, our workload is greatly lightened," Dozier said, "and by taking these cases, America's journalists will finally get their wish and be able to actually make the news, rather than merely report it."

While opening arguments in the Craig trial are not scheduled to begin until Feb. 25 at the Los Angeles Times offices, many legal experts contend that, in the media's eyes, he has already been convicted.

Said Harvard University Law School dean Nathan Unger: "Just yesterday in the Orange County Register, columnist Herbert Garowitz demanded the death penalty for Dozier, whom he described as 'human garbage who must pay dearly for these brutal murders which he obviously committed.' While ordinarily, such editorializing is fine for a columnist, Garowitz also happens to be the presiding judge in this case. This could present a major conflict of interest."

Dozier was unfazed by the criticism: "I can guarantee you that Mr. Craig will receive the same fair trial from the media that he would have received from America's first-rate judicial system."

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