Muscleman Put In Charge Of World's Fifth-Largest Economy

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Vol 39 Issue 41

Alderman Has That Zoning Dream Again

AMES, IA—Fourth District Alderman Frank Pelson, 47, awoke with a start Monday night, interrupting his recurring zoning dream. "It was the third night in a row," Pelson said. "I'm sitting at my desk, drafting my proposal for the construction of a municipal pool near Franklin Park, when my inbox is besieged with angry petitions from residents who object to the traffic that the public recreational facility would generate." Pelson said the dream always ends the same way, with him experiencing the sensation of falling out of his office chair into a 60 percent business, 40 percent residential abyss.

Limbaugh Says Drug Addiction A Remnant Of Clinton Administration

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Frankly discussing his addiction to painkillers, conservative talk-show host Rush Limbaugh told his radio audience Monday that his abuse of OxyContin was a "remnant of the anything-goes ideology of the Clinton Administration." "Friends, all I can say is 'I told you so,'" said Limbaugh, from an undisclosed drug-treatment facility. "Were it not for Bill Clinton's loose policies on drug offenders and his rampant immorality, I would not have found myself in this predicament." Limbaugh added that he's staying at a rehab center created by the tax-and-spend liberals.

CIA-Leak Scapegoat Still At Large

WASHINGTON, DC—A White House administration official who can be blamed for leaking the identity of CIA officer Valerie Plame to the press remains at large, White House officials announced Monday.

Silicone Breast Implants

An advisory panel to the Food and Drug Administration recommended that the 11-year ban on the sale of silicone breast implants be lifted. What do you think?

Peruvian Shockingly Knowledgeable About U.S. History

GAINSVILLE, FL—During her two-week visit to the U.S., Peruvian visitor Alejandra Mañera demonstrated a "frightening" depth of knowledge about U.S. history, her American friend Briana Heckel reported Monday. "We were sitting around talking about how Bush has no idea how to rebuild Iraq, and Alejandra starts mentioning how at least Woodrow Wilson outlined his postwar plan with his '14 Points' speech," Heckel said. "Then she starts listing all the points, and I'm like, who's Woodrow Wilson?" Mañera further unnerved Heckel by speaking flawless English.

Anyone Got A TV To Spare?

Hola, amigos. I know it's been a long time since I rapped at ya, but I've been burning the candle at both ends lately. Shit, if a candle had three or four ends, they'd be burning, too.
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Muscleman Put In Charge Of World's Fifth-Largest Economy

SACRAMENTO, CA—Political observers are struggling to understand exactly how, on Oct. 7, Arnold Schwarzenegger, an Austrian-born, movie-star muscleman with no political experience, was elected to govern the state of California, the world's fifth-largest economic region.

The muscleman who was chosen to run California.

"We're a bit baffled as to exactly how this happened," said David Gergen, director of the Center for Public Leadership at Harvard's Kennedy School of Government. "Poll results show that the strongman received 1.3 million more votes than the next candidate—that much is clear. We just can't determine precisely why people believed that the bodybuilder was qualified to lead the socially and economically complex state of California."

According to the Organization for Economic Cooperation and Development, California is an economic region with an annual gross domestic product of $1.36 trillion—an amount equal to one-sixth of the U.S.'s total gross national product. Considered internationally, California's GDP ranks fifth in the world, behind the U.S., Japan, Germany, and the United Kingdom.

"Apparently, this man has appeared in numerous popular films," Gergen said. "And I guess he was awarded a Mr. Universe title. But I don't understand how that would make him a competent gubernatorial candidate."

"There were, in fact, figures from the pornography industry on the ballot who were better equipped to lead than the muscleman," Gergen added. "A major adult-magazine publisher who could claim not only leadership and business experience, but also a working knowledge of First Amendment law, was in the running. The fact that the pornographer received only 15,454 votes is confusing, in light of the muscleman's victory."

Research conducted by equally confused political analysts failed to produce any evidence to suggest that the bodybuilder has ever held political office. The muscleman has not presided over any unions, boards, or committees, nor has he displayed any public-service ambition of any kind.

The muscleman in the early days of his political career.

"At one point, the muscleman appeared in a series of public-service announcements for the Presidential Council on Physical Fitness," said political analyst Gloria Speeves, a Hoover Institute fellow and best-selling author. "And he's married to Maria Shriver, a peripheral member of a once-prominent American political family. But, contrary to what election results suggest, these minor contributions to public life do not qualify the weightlifter to lead an entire state."

"I'm not saying I'd choose him to run a small state with a healthy economy, but we're talking about California—a state crippled by an $8 billion deficit," Speeves added.

It was the California citizenry's anxiety over the deficit that led to the recall of Gov. Gray Davis. The state's finances are further complicated by other factors.

"One fifth of America's imports and exports pass through California, and this results in extremely complicated tariff and tax-jurisdiction issues," U.S. Sen. Dianne Feinstein (D-CA) said. "We're a leading, yet internally conflicted, agribusiness powerhouse, with influential landowners constantly vying for political power. We have issues of poverty, crime, housing, and race equality. Not to mention that California is the country's second-largest energy-consuming region and struggles to meet its power needs amid continued debates over deregulation."

"Californians elected a celebrity governor once before, but that man had at least served as president of the Screen Actors Guild," Feinstein said.

The Republican muscleman defeated Lt. Gov. Cruz Bustamante, who will retain his position in the new cabinet. The governor-elect's policies are said to be centrist-conservative, although it's difficult to confirm this, as the beefy actor has offered only a few words regarding his plans for California's future.

"It's all about leadership," said the 257-pound strongman, who reportedly once dead-lifted 750 pounds.

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