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Museum-Appreciation Tips

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Hillary Clinton Holds Infant Grandson Upside Down By Ankle In Front Of Convention Crowd

‘Family,’ Candidate Says

PHILADELPHIA—Seeking to make her case to the nation’s voters as she accepted her party’s presidential nomination Thursday night, Hillary Clinton reportedly began her headlining address at the Democratic National Convention by holding her infant grandson, Aidan, upside down by his ankle and firmly intoning the word “Family” in front of the assembled crowd.

Hillary Clinton Waiting In Wings Of Stage Since 6 A.M. For DNC Speech

PHILADELPHIA—Saying she arrived hours before any of the members of the production crew, sources confirmed Thursday that presidential nominee Hillary Clinton has been waiting in the wings of the Wells Fargo Center stage since six o’clock this morning to deliver her speech at the Democratic National Convention.

Depressed, Butter-Covered Tom Vilsack Enters Sixth Day Of Corn Bender After Losing VP Spot

WASHINGTON—Saying she has grown increasingly concerned about her husband’s mental and physical well-being since last Friday, Christie Vilsack, the wife of Agriculture Secretary Tom Vilsack, told reporters Thursday that the despondent, butter-covered cabinet member has entered the sixth day of a destructive corn bender after being passed over for the Democratic vice presidential spot.

Superfoods: Myth Vs. Fact

Though the media often heralds certain foods as cancer-fighting or immune-building, many of these claims don’t hold up to scientific scrutiny. The Onion separates the myths from the facts regarding so-called superfoods

Cannon Overshoots Tim Kaine Across Wells Fargo Center

PHILADELPHIA—Noting that the vice presidential nominee had been launched nearly 100 feet into the air during his entrance into the Democratic National Convention Wednesday night, sources reported that the cannon at the back of the Wells Fargo Center had accidentally overshot Tim Kaine across the arena, sending him crashing to the stage several dozen feet beyond the erected safety net.
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Museum-Appreciation Tips

Museum-going can be an enjoyable and enriching experience. Here are some tips for getting the most out of your next visit:

Museum guests in front of Van Gogh self-portrait


  • In large museums like the Louvre, it is virtually impossible to see everything in one day. This is why jogging is both acceptable and encouraged.
  • If you don't experience a painting with all five senses, you aren't truly experiencing it.
  • Beware: Some museums are more reputable than others. The Metropolitan Museum of Art in New York City? Pretty reputable. The Flagstaff Groundhog & Jackalope Hall of Fame? Less so.
  • Why enter the museum when the only stuff you can afford is in the gift shop?
  • When on a guided tour of a history museum, at every civilization, ask whether the men of that era ever had an overpowering urge to dress as a woman and be caressed by a big, strong man.
  • Though many are painfully dull, some museums gots cars in 'em.
  • Remember: "Suggested donation" means waltz in free, even if you are loaded.
  • Be sure to dress appropriately for your museum visit, wearing knee-high boots, sturdy rubber gloves, and a heavy apron. Did I say museum? I meant salmon cannery.
  • When looking at the exhibit on genetically modified super-spiders, try not to get too distracted by Kirsten Dunst.
  • This month, the National Mustard Museum in Mt. Horeb, WI, is unveiling a new exhibit honoring those slain while serving the mustard industry. It is a moving tribute to America's mustard dead and is highly recommended.
  • If short on money, get a friend to enter a museum and have him or her describe everything to you via walkie-talkie.
  • Spend a minimum of 30 seconds, ideally 45, staring at each exhibit so no one will suspect that every molecule in your body is screaming to get the hell out of there and go to the mall.

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