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Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.

Departing Bo Obama Lands K Street Lobbyist Position

WASHINGTON—Touting his lengthy tenure in the White House and close personal relationships with the president of the United States and first lady, executives at Brownstein Hyatt Farber Schreck announced Monday that once the current administration steps down later this week, the departing Bo Obama will officially join their high-powered K Street lobbying firm.

How To Combat Harassment Online

Online harassment is an increasingly contentious issue, with social media sites like Twitter and Reddit pressured to crack down on users’ abusive behavior. Here are The Onion’s tips for combating harassment online:

Strongside/Weakside: Deshaun Watson

After leading his team to victory in the College Football Playoff National Championship, Clemson University quarterback Deshaun Watson announced he would forgo his final year of eligibility and declare for the NFL Draft. Is he any good?
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Museum Proudly Exhibits Picasso Shitty Enough To Be In Kansas City

KANSAS CITY, MO—At a gala exhibit-opening Friday that drew many of the area’s most notable cultural luminaries, the Nelson-Atkins Museum of Art unveiled a newly acquired Pablo Picasso pencil sketch that is just shitty enough to be showcased in Kansas City. “We are delighted to add to our collection this fascinating work by the 20th-century master who defined cubism and produced some of the most important art of the modern era,” curator Bradley Simmons said of the forgettable piece-of-shit doodle that has not only been allotted an entire wall, but will, fittingly, be considered among the city’s crown jewels. “No one who visits our museum and sees this piece can doubt that it is truly one of the finest cultural treasures in the region.” Art experts agreed with Simmons that the sketch would probably impress the people of Kansas City.

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