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Tips For Hotel Etiquette

Staying in a hotel can be a fun and luxurious experience, but it requires consideration of the guests around you. The Onion presents its guide to hotel etiquette:

Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.

Report: This Movie Old Enough That They Might Have Actually Hurt Dog

GARDNER, MA—Realizing the movie was probably made years before any sort of mandatory industry oversight, nervous viewers watching a Turner Classic Movies airing of ‘Home On The Range’ Sunday night told reporters that the classic western was old enough that the filmmakers might have actually hurt the dog that starred in the motion picture.
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Museum Proudly Exhibits Picasso Shitty Enough To Be In Kansas City

KANSAS CITY, MO—At a gala exhibit-opening Friday that drew many of the area’s most notable cultural luminaries, the Nelson-Atkins Museum of Art unveiled a newly acquired Pablo Picasso pencil sketch that is just shitty enough to be showcased in Kansas City. “We are delighted to add to our collection this fascinating work by the 20th-century master who defined cubism and produced some of the most important art of the modern era,” curator Bradley Simmons said of the forgettable piece-of-shit doodle that has not only been allotted an entire wall, but will, fittingly, be considered among the city’s crown jewels. “No one who visits our museum and sees this piece can doubt that it is truly one of the finest cultural treasures in the region.” Art experts agreed with Simmons that the sketch would probably impress the people of Kansas City.

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