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Woman Conducting Ongoing Scientific Experiment On Own Skin

DULUTH, MN—Noting her methodic applications of various chemical agents in carefully controlled combinations, sources confirmed Wednesday that local woman Sara Holloway has been carrying out an open-ended scientific experiment on her own skin.

Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.
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Museum Proudly Exhibits Picasso Shitty Enough To Be In Kansas City

KANSAS CITY, MO—At a gala exhibit-opening Friday that drew many of the area’s most notable cultural luminaries, the Nelson-Atkins Museum of Art unveiled a newly acquired Pablo Picasso pencil sketch that is just shitty enough to be showcased in Kansas City. “We are delighted to add to our collection this fascinating work by the 20th-century master who defined cubism and produced some of the most important art of the modern era,” curator Bradley Simmons said of the forgettable piece-of-shit doodle that has not only been allotted an entire wall, but will, fittingly, be considered among the city’s crown jewels. “No one who visits our museum and sees this piece can doubt that it is truly one of the finest cultural treasures in the region.” Art experts agreed with Simmons that the sketch would probably impress the people of Kansas City.

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