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Oh Great, Another Woman Who Only Loves Me For My Complete Collection Of ‘Rurouni Kenshin’ Manga

Well isn’t that great—just great. Here I am, thinking I’ve finally met someone who’s perfect for me—she’s caring, smart, beautiful, and most of all, it seemed like she really got me. But I should have known better. Turns out she’s just like the rest of them, just another in a long line of women who only love me for my complete collection of the classic wandering samurai manga Rurouni Kenshin.

Disappointing Buffalo Wild Wings Not Living Up To Ridicule

LOS ANGELES—Describing the experience as a significant letdown, local diner Eric Tidwell told reporters that the disappointing Buffalo Wild Wings franchise he visited Thursday night failed to live up to the scorn he had long heard about the restaurant.

Louvre Curators Hurry To Display Ugly Van Gogh Donor Gave Them Before Surprise Visit

PARIS—After retrieving the eyesore from amid a clutter of unused display cases and movable stanchions in the back of the facility’s basement where it had been stowed ever since the museum received it, curators at the Louvre hurried to display an ugly Vincent van Gogh painting before the artwork’s donor made a surprise visit to the museum Friday.

Area Dad Needs More Time With Museum Plaque

NEW YORK—Leaning in close to the paragraph of text as his family continued on to the museum’s other exhibits, area dad and Frick Collection visitor Phillip Schermeier, 58, reportedly needed more time with the plaque beside Rembrandt’s 1626 painting Palamedes In Front Of Agamemnon Thursday.

Lost Jack London Manuscript, ‘The Doggy,’ Found

RYE, NY—Workers inventorying the estate of a recently deceased Westchester County art dealer earlier this month reportedly stumbled upon a draft of a previously unknown Jack London novel titled The Doggy, and the work is already being hailed by many within the literary world as a masterpiece.

‘Our Town’ Cast Party Going Off The Rails

PEEKSKILL, NY—Describing a wild scene in which performers and stagehands were loudly conversing, laughing, and occasionally breaking back into their characters from the play, sources confirmed Sunday night that the cast party for the local production of Our Town is currently going off the rails.

Thieves Make Off With Museum’s Most Valuable Docents

CHICAGO—In what is being described as a sophisticated and well-executed heist, thieves stole nine of the Art Institute of Chicago’s most valuable docents in broad daylight this morning, according to museum and law enforcement officials.
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Museum Of Repressed American History Conceals New Exhibit On Tuskegee Experiments

Museum officials say that tour guides will be on hand to answer any one of three pre-approved questions that visitors have about the exhibit’s contents.
Museum officials say that tour guides will be on hand to answer any one of three pre-approved questions that visitors have about the exhibit’s contents.

WASHINGTON—Expanding their collection in an effort to obscure even more information about the nation’s past, representatives for the Museum of Repressed American History confirmed Thursday that they have concealed a new exhibit on the Tuskegee syphilis experiment.

According to curators at the country’s foremost museum for the suppression of information regarding controversial aspects of U.S. history, the exhibit titled “The Tuskegee ███████: ███ █████” will boast the world’s largest collection of redacted documents, blurred-out video footage, and fully censored firsthand accounts on the topic.

“Our mission has always been to present an easy-to-understand, morally unambiguous version of American history, and we’re delighted to withhold all manner of information in this exciting new exhibit,” said museum director Mark Lanney, who gave reporters an exclusive first look at several frosted-glass displays housing a number of the exhibit’s unlabeled artifacts and face-down government records. “Now, visitors have the opportunity to learn that there was some kind of project or program that transpired in Alabama at some point in the 20th century, and nothing else.”

“Provided they are able to locate the exhibit hall despite it not being labeled anywhere on our museum map, our guests will have extremely restricted access to our obfuscated presentation of this unspecified historical occurrence,” he continued.

According to museum staff, the exhibit will feature an extensive gallery of extremely washed-out, overexposed photographs depicting the various individuals and locations purportedly associated with the Tuskegee study. In addition, sources said that a windowless, unlit reading room will display hundreds of pages of shredded correspondence and personal testimonials that may or may not have been relevant to the event in question.

The museum will also reportedly host screenings of an exclusive documentary consisting of three out-of-context seconds of an interview with an unnamed physician before cutting to a 75-minute montage of Fourth of July parades and still images of servicemen raising the American flag.

Lanney said that visitors will be able to purchase an audio guide for the exhibit, which will play snippets of barely discernible narration in a language other than that which was requested. Guided tours in which docents lead guests directly from the ticket counter to the museum’s exit will also reportedly be available to museum visitors.

“Visitors can learn everything they need to know about Tuskegee and its legacy—which is essentially nothing—from this exhibit,” senior curator Bethany Osgood told reporters. “When patrons are hurried out the doors before our closing hours of 10:15 a.m., they will have gleaned the only facts that they need to know about this matter, which are that it occurred a long time ago and that there really isn’t much more to say on the subject.”

“No more questions,” Osgood added.

According to officials, the museum was founded by prominent historical revisionist Henry Fleming, who in 1968 donated his private collection of burned government papers concerning the relocation of Japanese Americans during World War II. Since its unannounced opening, the gallery has featured such exhibits as a retrospective of the construction of the First Transcontinental Railroad consisting solely of a toy electric train that circled around a locked box containing records of laborers’ working conditions, as well as a room devoted to the Trail of Tears that contained no doorways by which to enter.

Officials predicted that the Tuskegee exhibit may prove to be among the museum’s most impressive entirely whitewashed attractions. In fact, several museum patrons told reporters that the new exhibit had provided them the unique opportunity to superficially engage with what they had no reason to doubt was the nation’s past.

“Between viewing a completely bare wing that was about something called the Middle Passage, and the exhibit on My Lai that had handwritten pages taped over its plaques explaining how the mission was a civilian outreach initiative to help Vietnamese citizens, I had a great time today,” visitor Leslie Shields said. “I also really enjoyed the exhibit on the bombing of Hiroshima and Nagasaki, which turned out to be a single giant mural depicting the Founding Fathers signing the Declaration of Independence with ‘America The Beautiful’ playing in the background.”

“I learned so much,” she continued. “I’ve never felt more proud of my country.”

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Louvre Curators Hurry To Display Ugly Van Gogh Donor Gave Them Before Surprise Visit

PARIS—After retrieving the eyesore from amid a clutter of unused display cases and movable stanchions in the back of the facility’s basement where it had been stowed ever since the museum received it, curators at the Louvre hurried to display an ugly Vincent van Gogh painting before the artwork’s donor made a surprise visit to the museum Friday.

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