Museum Staff Braces For Large Group Wearing Same T-Shirt

Top Headlines

After Birth

Kids Excited Mom Learning To Swear

PESHTIGO, WI—After a lifetime of assiduously avoiding the use of foul language, Helen Chernak, 59, is finally learning to swear, her delighted offspring reported Monday.

Parents Of Crying Child Must Not Be Any Good

WOODBURY, MN—Noting how the pair’s failure to promptly resolve the situation was a clear indication of their inability to raise or care for another human being, sources confirmed Friday that the parents of a crying infant must not be any good.

How To Adopt A Child

Adoption is a beautiful way to provide a loving home for a child, though it is a logistically complex process that might take months or even years to complete. Here are the steps involved in adopting a child:

The Pros And Cons Of Helicopter Parenting

The rising trend of “helicopter parenting,” or hovering over a child’s educational, social, extracurricular, and home life, has been praised by some as true dedication to one’s kids and decried by others for potentially smothering a child’s independent development. Here are the pros and cons of helicopter parenting

Conductor Fatigue Blamed In Massive Model Train Crash

BLOOMINGTON, IN—After surveying the dozen railcars and cargo of Lincoln Logs strewn haphazardly across the grass mat, investigators concluded Friday that a massive model train derailment was the result of conductor fatigue.

The Pros And Cons Of Co-Sleeping

The act of co-sleeping, where babies and toddlers share a “family bed” with their parents, is a rising trend in the United States, though the practice is contested by those who doubt its purported benefits. Here are the pros and cons of co-sleeping with your child

The Onion’s Guide To Trick-Or-Treating

Halloween gives revelers a chance to receive candy all over the neighborhood. Here are some tips to make sure you get the most out of your experience and take home a big haul.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Museum Staff Braces For Large Group Wearing Same T-Shirt

CHICAGO—Well-placed sources at the Art Institute of Chicago reported Tuesday that the employees were bracing for an imminent encounter with a large group of identically clad people walking toward the building behind someone waving a purple wooden stick. The group—whose members all wore shirts featuring a stylized bird logo that could represent a summer camp or religious youth group—began assembling approximately 40 yards from the entrance, causing museum employees to rush to assigned stations from which they could ensure no one would block hallways, loiter in bathrooms, or touch paintings. "Heads up," floor manager Carla Ellis said. "It looks like they just got off a bus. I think they're from out of state. Here we go!" As of press time, the group was still dawdling 20 feet from the entrance, with at least one person in a wheelchair, and it was surmised that its members were either foreign tourists or a special-needs class.

After Birth Video

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close