After Birth

Parents Of Crying Child Must Not Be Any Good

WOODBURY, MN—Noting how the pair’s failure to promptly resolve the situation was a clear indication of their inability to raise or care for another human being, sources confirmed Friday that the parents of a crying infant must not be any good.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.

A Look At The Class Of 2020

This year’s incoming college freshmen will comprise the graduating class of 2020, with the majority of them born in 1998. Here are some facts and figures about these students and their worldview:
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Museum Staff Braces For Large Group Wearing Same T-Shirt

CHICAGO—Well-placed sources at the Art Institute of Chicago reported Tuesday that the employees were bracing for an imminent encounter with a large group of identically clad people walking toward the building behind someone waving a purple wooden stick. The group—whose members all wore shirts featuring a stylized bird logo that could represent a summer camp or religious youth group—began assembling approximately 40 yards from the entrance, causing museum employees to rush to assigned stations from which they could ensure no one would block hallways, loiter in bathrooms, or touch paintings. "Heads up," floor manager Carla Ellis said. "It looks like they just got off a bus. I think they're from out of state. Here we go!" As of press time, the group was still dawdling 20 feet from the entrance, with at least one person in a wheelchair, and it was surmised that its members were either foreign tourists or a special-needs class.

After Birth

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