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Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:

Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.
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Music Playing In Bar Could Stand To Be Louder, Worse

WORTHINGTON, MA—While struggling to be heard over the deafening roar of nu-metal and late-’90s rap-rock, patrons announced Wednesday night that the music at Liston’s Bar and Grill could probably stand to be just a bit louder and a touch worse. “Don’t get me wrong, the music here is being blasted at a very high volume and is also really, really awful, but as bad as it is, it’s still possible they could dig a little deeper into the catalog of Papa Roach or Staind and find something more terrible,” 34-year-old bargoer Kyle McCutcheon shouted as he plugged one ear and cocked the other forward while conversing with reporters. “And even though it’s playing very loud, they could probably turn it up even more, preferably until we’re all forced to just sit around and stare at each other waiting for the few brief seconds between songs when we can actually exchange a few audible words.” When asked if there was anything else about the bar he would change, McCutcheon said that, if he was being honest, the bartender could be a tad more of a world-class dick.

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The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:

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