Music Playing In Bar Could Stand To Be Louder, Worse

In This Section

Vol 50 Issue 16

Ronald McDonald Gets Millennial Makeover

McDonald’s officials announced this week that they are redesigning longtime mascot Ronald McDonald with a new outfit and will begin mentioning him on Twitter using the hashtag #ronaldmcdonald, though he does not yet have an account of his own.

Local TCBY Has Missed Past 2 Logo Changes

Obama spends another night searching behind White House paintings for safes, an autopsy determines a total loser's corpse contained no traces of drugs or alcohol, and a superstitious Delta Airlines adds busty mermaids to its plane noses.
End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Pop Culture

Man Commits To New TV Show Just Hours After Getting Out Of 7-Season Series

UNION CITY, NJ—Recommending that he give himself the chance to pause and explore the other options out there, friends of local man Jonathan Gember expressed their concerns to reporters Wednesday that the 29-year-old is already committing to a new television show just hours after getting out of a seven-season-long series.

Late Night

Music Playing In Bar Could Stand To Be Louder, Worse

WORTHINGTON, MA—While struggling to be heard over the deafening roar of nu-metal and late-’90s rap-rock, patrons announced Wednesday night that the music at Liston’s Bar and Grill could probably stand to be just a bit louder and a touch worse. “Don’t get me wrong, the music here is being blasted at a very high volume and is also really, really awful, but as bad as it is, it’s still possible they could dig a little deeper into the catalog of Papa Roach or Staind and find something more terrible,” 34-year-old bargoer Kyle McCutcheon shouted as he plugged one ear and cocked the other forward while conversing with reporters. “And even though it’s playing very loud, they could probably turn it up even more, preferably until we’re all forced to just sit around and stare at each other waiting for the few brief seconds between songs when we can actually exchange a few audible words.” When asked if there was anything else about the bar he would change, McCutcheon said that, if he was being honest, the bartender could be a tad more of a world-class dick.

Next Story

Onion Video

Watch More