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Area Man Unsure If He’s Male-Bonding Or Being Bullied

Perplexed local man Russell Chambliss has no idea if the coworkers seated with him at Malone’s Irish Tavern are attempting to forge a male bond with him or cruelly harassing him, the 26-year-old shipping clerk told reporters Wednesday evening.

What You Need To Know About Last Night’s Oscars Debacle

Many viewers were left wondering about the sequence of events that led to the initial erroneous declaration of ‘La La Land’ as the Best Picture winner at the Academy Awards Sunday instead of the real winner, ‘Moonlight’. The Onion breaks down what you need to know about this fiasco.

Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:
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Music Playing In Bar Could Stand To Be Louder, Worse

WORTHINGTON, MA—While struggling to be heard over the deafening roar of nu-metal and late-’90s rap-rock, patrons announced Wednesday night that the music at Liston’s Bar and Grill could probably stand to be just a bit louder and a touch worse. “Don’t get me wrong, the music here is being blasted at a very high volume and is also really, really awful, but as bad as it is, it’s still possible they could dig a little deeper into the catalog of Papa Roach or Staind and find something more terrible,” 34-year-old bargoer Kyle McCutcheon shouted as he plugged one ear and cocked the other forward while conversing with reporters. “And even though it’s playing very loud, they could probably turn it up even more, preferably until we’re all forced to just sit around and stare at each other waiting for the few brief seconds between songs when we can actually exchange a few audible words.” When asked if there was anything else about the bar he would change, McCutcheon said that, if he was being honest, the bartender could be a tad more of a world-class dick.

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