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Stunned Adam Schefter Receives Ominous Tip From Future Self

BRISTOL, CT—Slowly returning to his desk shaken and confused, sources reported Wednesday that ESPN NFL Insider Adam Schefter was stunned to receive an ominous tip from his future self while walking through one of his office building’s hallways.

Infographic: 20 Years Of Netflix

Netflix was founded as an online DVD rental service in 1997 and has since evolved into a subscription-based streaming platform with its own slate of original programming. The Onion looks back at the most important moments in the company’s 20-year history.

What To Watch For In The New Obi-Wan Kenobi Film

Disney has announced they are in the early stages of developing a stand-alone ‘Star Wars’ film focused on the adventures of Jedi master Obi-Wan Kenobi. Here’s what fans can expect to see in the upcoming release.
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Musical The Kind With Number About Putting On A Show

TALLAHASSEE, FL—Noting the increasingly animated choreography and behavior of the characters on stage, sources at the Tallahassee Community Theatre reported Friday that this is apparently the kind of musical with a big number about putting on a show. The first indication that the production would include a high-energy song-and-dance performance about staging a show reportedly surfaced when a schoolchild rushed onto the bustling Main Street set and announced that a play was going to take place, setting off a round of progressively more rhythmic chattering as the town’s residents discussed who would play what roles. According to those in attendance, a group of the town’s biggest gossips immediately indicated that they would play the chorus in the production, while a pair of handymen holding ladders twirled across the stage and volunteered to build the sets. Sources stated that at this point, a boisterous debate began as all assembled argued over who would play the star, a question which was only settled when the town’s beautiful-but-shy schoolteacher happened to step out of the schoolhouse and onto center stage moments after another character had loudly proclaimed that the perfect lead actress wasn’t “just going to walk right out from behind that door.” At press time, those with knowledge of the situation reported that all the townspeople had excitedly danced off stage to prepare for the play, leaving behind only the irascible old shopkeeper, who comically chided the rest of the town for “getting worked up over some nonsense” and resumed sweeping while absentmindedly whistling the tune that had just been performed.

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