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Sports

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.
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My Behavior Tuesday Night Has Forced Me To Confront The Fact That I Have A Problem With Energy Drinks

All of us who have the privilege of working in the Dome deal with the stress in different ways, some more destructive than others -- exercise, drugs, fast cars. Alex collects dirty playing cards and Wellsy locks herself in her dressing room and refuses to answer the door for me, even when I just want to chat and I bring her food from the cafeteria.

The high-pressure atmosphere at OSN can sometimes lead us into making mistakes. I'll be honest, on Monday night, I stayed up late playing Civ V, and was so focused on holding off Montezuma's Aztec hordes so I could finish building the Hagia Sophia (I only go for Cultural Victories) that I didn't notice 18 hours had passed. The absolute last thing I wanted was for my grogginess to impede your Dome, so once I got on set, I looked for an easy answer and fell into the cold, carbonated arms of Bull's Milk Energy Drink.

I would be lying if I said this was my first dance with the Bull's horns. When Deadly Chemistry landed a prime 4:30 AM time slot at the Greater Providence Music Festival, I chugged a Bull's Milk or two to keep my energy up and impress the handful of fans who were there to rock all night long -- even the ones who left early when our rhythm synth player's backup laptop started making horrible screeching noises. But even though it made me cranky and I chewed out the sound guy even when it wasn't his fault, I fooled myself into thinking the Bull's Milk wasn't to blame. Tuesday night, I lost sight of who I was and became merely an extension of those slender aluminum cans and the lukewarm neon blue liquid inside. In short, there is no longer any hiding from the fact that I have a problem with Bull's Milk.

It has been a long, hard recovery so far, and it will likely only become more difficult in the weeks and months to come. This is the second and hopefully last time I ever have to get my stomach pumped, after the time I actually drank the kerosene out of a lamp when I was seven. Sitting in my hospital bed, reviewing the tapes of Tuesday night's show, I was shocked at the taurine-fueled monster I had become. Most shameful of all, Alex told me that I made my good friend and partner-in-Dome Melissa Wells uncomfortable with several rambling, awkward exchanges. That is completely out of character, and it shocked me more than anything else.

Domers, I know it will take more than an eloquent apology to win back your trust. i just hope you can hold me in your hearts as I struggle with the scourge of Bull's Milk dependence and that, one day, the Dome will be a safe place for all of us again.

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