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Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

Best Sports Video Games Of All Time

With titles such as ‘FIFA 17’ and ’NBA 2K17’ expected to be popular gifts this holiday season, Onion Sports looks back on some of the best sports video games of all time.

Strongside/Weakside: Ezekiel Elliott

After becoming only the third player in NFL history to rush for 1,000 yards in his first nine games, Dallas Cowboys rookie running back Ezekiel Elliott is an early candidate for league MVP. Is he any good?

Strongside/Weakside: Theo Epstein

In just five seasons, Chicago Cubs president of baseball operations Theo Epstein assembled a team that is competing for the franchise’s first World Series title since 1908. Is he any good?

Jumbotron Really Trying To Push New Third-Down Cheer On Fans

SAN DIEGO—Noting that the phrase had appeared in large blue letters during each of the team’s offensive drives, sources at Qualcomm Stadium confirmed Friday that the Jumbotron was trying really hard to push a new third-down cheer on San Diego Chargers fans.

Strongside/Weakside: Kris Bryant

By leading the Chicago Cubs in hits and home runs en route to their second straight playoff appearance, Kris Bryant has placed himself in the running for the National League MVP. Is he any good?

Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?
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My Behavior Tuesday Night Has Forced Me To Confront The Fact That I Have A Problem With Energy Drinks

All of us who have the privilege of working in the Dome deal with the stress in different ways, some more destructive than others -- exercise, drugs, fast cars. Alex collects dirty playing cards and Wellsy locks herself in her dressing room and refuses to answer the door for me, even when I just want to chat and I bring her food from the cafeteria.

The high-pressure atmosphere at OSN can sometimes lead us into making mistakes. I'll be honest, on Monday night, I stayed up late playing Civ V, and was so focused on holding off Montezuma's Aztec hordes so I could finish building the Hagia Sophia (I only go for Cultural Victories) that I didn't notice 18 hours had passed. The absolute last thing I wanted was for my grogginess to impede your Dome, so once I got on set, I looked for an easy answer and fell into the cold, carbonated arms of Bull's Milk Energy Drink.

I would be lying if I said this was my first dance with the Bull's horns. When Deadly Chemistry landed a prime 4:30 AM time slot at the Greater Providence Music Festival, I chugged a Bull's Milk or two to keep my energy up and impress the handful of fans who were there to rock all night long -- even the ones who left early when our rhythm synth player's backup laptop started making horrible screeching noises. But even though it made me cranky and I chewed out the sound guy even when it wasn't his fault, I fooled myself into thinking the Bull's Milk wasn't to blame. Tuesday night, I lost sight of who I was and became merely an extension of those slender aluminum cans and the lukewarm neon blue liquid inside. In short, there is no longer any hiding from the fact that I have a problem with Bull's Milk.

It has been a long, hard recovery so far, and it will likely only become more difficult in the weeks and months to come. This is the second and hopefully last time I ever have to get my stomach pumped, after the time I actually drank the kerosene out of a lamp when I was seven. Sitting in my hospital bed, reviewing the tapes of Tuesday night's show, I was shocked at the taurine-fueled monster I had become. Most shameful of all, Alex told me that I made my good friend and partner-in-Dome Melissa Wells uncomfortable with several rambling, awkward exchanges. That is completely out of character, and it shocked me more than anything else.

Domers, I know it will take more than an eloquent apology to win back your trust. i just hope you can hold me in your hearts as I struggle with the scourge of Bull's Milk dependence and that, one day, the Dome will be a safe place for all of us again.

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