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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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My Behavior Tuesday Night Has Forced Me To Confront The Fact That I Have A Problem With Energy Drinks

All of us who have the privilege of working in the Dome deal with the stress in different ways, some more destructive than others -- exercise, drugs, fast cars. Alex collects dirty playing cards and Wellsy locks herself in her dressing room and refuses to answer the door for me, even when I just want to chat and I bring her food from the cafeteria.

The high-pressure atmosphere at OSN can sometimes lead us into making mistakes. I'll be honest, on Monday night, I stayed up late playing Civ V, and was so focused on holding off Montezuma's Aztec hordes so I could finish building the Hagia Sophia (I only go for Cultural Victories) that I didn't notice 18 hours had passed. The absolute last thing I wanted was for my grogginess to impede your Dome, so once I got on set, I looked for an easy answer and fell into the cold, carbonated arms of Bull's Milk Energy Drink.

I would be lying if I said this was my first dance with the Bull's horns. When Deadly Chemistry landed a prime 4:30 AM time slot at the Greater Providence Music Festival, I chugged a Bull's Milk or two to keep my energy up and impress the handful of fans who were there to rock all night long -- even the ones who left early when our rhythm synth player's backup laptop started making horrible screeching noises. But even though it made me cranky and I chewed out the sound guy even when it wasn't his fault, I fooled myself into thinking the Bull's Milk wasn't to blame. Tuesday night, I lost sight of who I was and became merely an extension of those slender aluminum cans and the lukewarm neon blue liquid inside. In short, there is no longer any hiding from the fact that I have a problem with Bull's Milk.

It has been a long, hard recovery so far, and it will likely only become more difficult in the weeks and months to come. This is the second and hopefully last time I ever have to get my stomach pumped, after the time I actually drank the kerosene out of a lamp when I was seven. Sitting in my hospital bed, reviewing the tapes of Tuesday night's show, I was shocked at the taurine-fueled monster I had become. Most shameful of all, Alex told me that I made my good friend and partner-in-Dome Melissa Wells uncomfortable with several rambling, awkward exchanges. That is completely out of character, and it shocked me more than anything else.

Domers, I know it will take more than an eloquent apology to win back your trust. i just hope you can hold me in your hearts as I struggle with the scourge of Bull's Milk dependence and that, one day, the Dome will be a safe place for all of us again.

More from this section

Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

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