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Man Born With Face You Just Want To Punch

In case you missed last night's premiere of the second season of "Onion News Network", watch Jean Anne Whorton's touching portrait of a man who was born with a god-awful, hateful face.

Refs Let 49ers Put As Many Men On Field As They Want

SEATTLE—Sighing into the microphone as he stood at the 50-yard line of Centurylink Field, NFL referee Gene Steratore ruled during Sunday’s game that the San Francisco 49ers could put as many men on the field as they want.

Stunned Adam Schefter Receives Ominous Tip From Future Self

BRISTOL, CT—Slowly returning to his desk shaken and confused, sources reported Wednesday that ESPN NFL Insider Adam Schefter was stunned to receive an ominous tip from his future self while walking through one of his office building’s hallways.

‘FanSided’ Ranks All 128 NFL Teams

NEW YORK—As part of its comprehensive professional football coverage in anticipation of the upcoming season, sports news site ‘FanSided’ published an article Tuesday ranking all 128 NFL teams.
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Mysterious Black Family Going From NASCAR Race To NASCAR Race

SPARTA, KY—Fans attending the Sprint Cup Series’ past four races have witnessed a strange phenomenon: a black family who drives a motor home onto the racetrack’s infield and watches every event of the weekend. “Frankly, they freak me out. They show up with the same radios we use to listen to drivers talk to their crews. They all wear T-shirts with drivers on them. They’re black. I’ve never seen anything like it,” race fan Darrel Swinea told reporters Saturday during the Quaker State 400. “I’d go ask what they’re up to, but, well, uh, you know.” Around lap 56 of the race, the father of the black family turned to the crowd staring at him and asked if anyone wanted some of the beer or venison sausage from his cooler, causing spooked fans to immediately run out of the grandstand and into the parking lot.

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