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Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.
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Mysterious Black Family Going From NASCAR Race To NASCAR Race

SPARTA, KY—Fans attending the Sprint Cup Series’ past four races have witnessed a strange phenomenon: a black family who drives a motor home onto the racetrack’s infield and watches every event of the weekend. “Frankly, they freak me out. They show up with the same radios we use to listen to drivers talk to their crews. They all wear T-shirts with drivers on them. They’re black. I’ve never seen anything like it,” race fan Darrel Swinea told reporters Saturday during the Quaker State 400. “I’d go ask what they’re up to, but, well, uh, you know.” Around lap 56 of the race, the father of the black family turned to the crowd staring at him and asked if anyone wanted some of the beer or venison sausage from his cooler, causing spooked fans to immediately run out of the grandstand and into the parking lot.

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