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OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
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Mysterious Black Family Going From NASCAR Race To NASCAR Race

SPARTA, KY—Fans attending the Sprint Cup Series’ past four races have witnessed a strange phenomenon: a black family who drives a motor home onto the racetrack’s infield and watches every event of the weekend. “Frankly, they freak me out. They show up with the same radios we use to listen to drivers talk to their crews. They all wear T-shirts with drivers on them. They’re black. I’ve never seen anything like it,” race fan Darrel Swinea told reporters Saturday during the Quaker State 400. “I’d go ask what they’re up to, but, well, uh, you know.” Around lap 56 of the race, the father of the black family turned to the crowd staring at him and asked if anyone wanted some of the beer or venison sausage from his cooler, causing spooked fans to immediately run out of the grandstand and into the parking lot.

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