Mystery Freshman Dominates Ice Breakers, Disappears Into Night

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Vol 44 Issue 33

U.S. Driving Less

Americans drove 53.2 billion fewer miles in the past nine months than they did in a comparable period a year ago. What do you think?
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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FIFA Frantically Announces 2015 Summer World Cup In United States

ZURICH—After the Justice Department indicted numerous executives from world soccer’s governing body on charges of corruption and bribery, frantic and visibly nervous officials from FIFA held an impromptu press conference Wednesday to announce that the United States has been selected to host this summer’s 2015 World Cup.

Mystery Freshman Dominates Ice Breakers, Disappears Into Night

VALPARAISO, IN—Following an eerie series of events during their first common room meeting Monday night, freshmen residents of Brandt Hall at Valparaiso University were left baffled by "Spence G.," an enigmatic floor-mate who executed the human knot, two truths and a lie, and invisible ball games with the same otherworldly ease and swiftness with which he later made his exit. "When it was Spence's turn to speak, he had a great anecdote about his most embarrassing moment, followed by an effortless quip that his hometown was 'as quiet as a cemetery,'" said Pasha Chandra, the resident adviser, who was later unable to locate Spence's name on the dorm roster. "It was so spooky. He seemed to have a perfect joke for every rule in the community living contract, but as soon as everyone looked back up after signing them, he was gone." At press time, none of the residents leaving the meeting had noticed a plaque on the door that reads "Spencer Gottleib Memorial Common Room."

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