Mystery Freshman Dominates Ice Breakers, Disappears Into Night

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CINCINNATI—Following a traffic stop earlier this month by a University of Cincinnati police officer that ended in the shooting death of an unarmed black motorist, authorities confirmed Thursday that the disturbing video recorded by the officer’s body camera clearly and graphically shows the current state of America.

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FIFA Frantically Announces 2015 Summer World Cup In United States

Global Soccer Tournament To Kick Off In America Later This Afternoon

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Mystery Freshman Dominates Ice Breakers, Disappears Into Night

VALPARAISO, IN—Following an eerie series of events during their first common room meeting Monday night, freshmen residents of Brandt Hall at Valparaiso University were left baffled by "Spence G.," an enigmatic floor-mate who executed the human knot, two truths and a lie, and invisible ball games with the same otherworldly ease and swiftness with which he later made his exit. "When it was Spence's turn to speak, he had a great anecdote about his most embarrassing moment, followed by an effortless quip that his hometown was 'as quiet as a cemetery,'" said Pasha Chandra, the resident adviser, who was later unable to locate Spence's name on the dorm roster. "It was so spooky. He seemed to have a perfect joke for every rule in the community living contract, but as soon as everyone looked back up after signing them, he was gone." At press time, none of the residents leaving the meeting had noticed a plaque on the door that reads "Spencer Gottleib Memorial Common Room."