WASHINGTON, DC—Kweisi Mfume, executive director of the National Association for the Advancement of Colored People, told reporters at a press conference yesterday that the NAACP would disband effective immediately, as a more-than-satisfactory amount of effort has been made to promote racial equality.
"Really, everyone has been super and you've all just done so much. I couldn't ask for more," Mfume said in an open statement to all U.S. citizens. "Once again, bravo."
Among the actions with which Mfume is satisfied are the election and appointment of blacks to powerful, high-ranking government jobs; positive messages about diversity and tolerance presented in the media; and the naming of many city streets after Martin Luther King, Jr.
"I mean, I hoped for results, but this is spectacular," Mfume continued. "If I can do anything—and I mean anything—for any of you folks in return, please don't hesitate to ask."
Also speaking at the conference were several other top African-American leaders, including Rev. Jesse Jackson, Rev. Al Sharpton and Nation of Islam leader Louis Farrakhan.
"Wow. That's all I can say," Farrakhan said. "You'd never guess this is the country that 400 years ago shipped the noble black man to the continent in chains. I mean, what a difference a few centuries makes. Wow."
Farrakhan added that America would now be a utopia if only the wicked, money-hoarding Jews could be eradicated.
In an energetic speech punctuated by podium-slapping and casually metered rhymes, Jackson said, "Brothers and sisters—I am here today to tell everyone... that for all the great things they have done... our honky friends are number one."
When asked if there is anything else that could be done to help African-Americans make positive strides, Jackson replied, "Nope, thanks... we're pretty much set."
Sharpton, the last to speak, ceremonially presented the final NAACP Image Award, an oversized eight-foot-tall statuette, to "all non-African-American Americans for the marvelous efforts they have made to make America a land of true equality."
Sharpton then announced that he will step down from civil rights crusading, and concentrate full-time on his "Sharpton Farms" line of gourmet jams and jellies.
According to Mfume, the dismantling of the NAACP is a natural course of events given how much progress has been made: "At the rate we've been going, within a few years African-Americans would actually be better off than white people," he said. "So it was just sort of time for us all to say, 'Whoa... Slow down there. That's enough with the advancements for colored people, already."
Mfume said that if the NAACP were to re-form and take action in the future, it would likely be against the "vicious, hateful persecution of those of Swiss ancestry in this country."