NAACP Says Enough Done To Promote Racial Equality

Top Headlines

Recent News

Strongside/Weakside: Odell Beckham Jr.

Since bursting onto the scene in 2014, New York Giants wide receiver Odell Beckham Jr. has tormented opposing defenders with his dazzling one-handed punches. Is he any good?

Since bursting onto the scene in 2014, New York Giants wide receiver Odell Beckham Jr. has tormented opposing defenders with his dazzling one-handed punches. Is he any good?

Group Of Christie Campaign Deserters Found In Forest

SHAMONG, NJ—Huddling together around fires of burning yard signs while sipping small rations of soup from mugs adorned with the phrase “Telling It Like It Is,” a ragged encampment of advisers, pollsters, and volunteers who deserted Chris Christie’s presidential campaign was reportedly found living deep in a New Jersey forest Friday, authorities confirmed.

How To Talk To Your Child About Sex

It’s not easy to decide when and how to have a discussion with children about sex, and many parents wonder how explicit they should be or where to establish boundaries. Here are The Onion’s tips for having “the talk” with your kids:
End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Fantasy Sports


NAACP Says Enough Done To Promote Racial Equality

WASHINGTON, DC—Kweisi Mfume, executive director of the National Association for the Advancement of Colored People, told reporters at a press conference yesterday that the NAACP would disband effective immediately, as a more-than-satisfactory amount of effort has been made to promote racial equality.

Executive director Kweisi Mfume (right) is disbanding the NAACP, as "more than enough" racial progress has been made. Said Mfume: "Whoa... Slow down there. That's enough with the advancements, already."

"Really, everyone has been super and you've all just done so much. I couldn't ask for more," Mfume said in an open statement to all U.S. citizens. "Once again, bravo."

Among the actions with which Mfume is satisfied are the election and appointment of blacks to powerful, high-ranking government jobs; positive messages about diversity and tolerance presented in the media; and the naming of many city streets after Martin Luther King, Jr.

"I mean, I hoped for results, but this is spectacular," Mfume continued. "If I can do anything—and I mean anything—for any of you folks in return, please don't hesitate to ask."

Also speaking at the conference were several other top African-American leaders, including Rev. Jesse Jackson, Rev. Al Sharpton and Nation of Islam leader Louis Farrakhan.

"Wow. That's all I can say," Farrakhan said. "You'd never guess this is the country that 400 years ago shipped the noble black man to the continent in chains. I mean, what a difference a few centuries makes. Wow."

Farrakhan added that America would now be a utopia if only the wicked, money-hoarding Jews could be eradicated.

In an energetic speech punctuated by podium-slapping and casually metered rhymes, Jackson said, "Brothers and sisters—I am here today to tell everyone... that for all the great things they have done... our honky friends are number one."

When asked if there is anything else that could be done to help African-Americans make positive strides, Jackson replied, "Nope, thanks... we're pretty much set."

Sharpton, the last to speak, ceremonially presented the final NAACP Image Award, an oversized eight-foot-tall statuette, to "all non-African-American Americans for the marvelous efforts they have made to make America a land of true equality."

Sharpton then announced that he will step down from civil rights crusading, and concentrate full-time on his "Sharpton Farms" line of gourmet jams and jellies.

According to Mfume, the dismantling of the NAACP is a natural course of events given how much progress has been made: "At the rate we've been going, within a few years African-Americans would actually be better off than white people," he said. "So it was just sort of time for us all to say, 'Whoa... Slow down there. That's enough with the advancements for colored people, already."

Mfume said that if the NAACP were to re-form and take action in the future, it would likely be against the "vicious, hateful persecution of those of Swiss ancestry in this country."