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Oh Great, Another Woman Who Only Loves Me For My Complete Collection Of ‘Rurouni Kenshin’ Manga

Well isn’t that great—just great. Here I am, thinking I’ve finally met someone who’s perfect for me—she’s caring, smart, beautiful, and most of all, it seemed like she really got me. But I should have known better. Turns out she’s just like the rest of them, just another in a long line of women who only love me for my complete collection of the classic wandering samurai manga Rurouni Kenshin.

Disappointing Buffalo Wild Wings Not Living Up To Ridicule

LOS ANGELES—Describing the experience as a significant letdown, local diner Eric Tidwell told reporters that the disappointing Buffalo Wild Wings franchise he visited Thursday night failed to live up to the scorn he had long heard about the restaurant.

Louvre Curators Hurry To Display Ugly Van Gogh Donor Gave Them Before Surprise Visit

PARIS—After retrieving the eyesore from amid a clutter of unused display cases and movable stanchions in the back of the facility’s basement where it had been stowed ever since the museum received it, curators at the Louvre hurried to display an ugly Vincent van Gogh painting before the artwork’s donor made a surprise visit to the museum Friday.

Area Dad Needs More Time With Museum Plaque

NEW YORK—Leaning in close to the paragraph of text as his family continued on to the museum’s other exhibits, area dad and Frick Collection visitor Phillip Schermeier, 58, reportedly needed more time with the plaque beside Rembrandt’s 1626 painting Palamedes In Front Of Agamemnon Thursday.

Lost Jack London Manuscript, ‘The Doggy,’ Found

RYE, NY—Workers inventorying the estate of a recently deceased Westchester County art dealer earlier this month reportedly stumbled upon a draft of a previously unknown Jack London novel titled The Doggy, and the work is already being hailed by many within the literary world as a masterpiece.

‘Our Town’ Cast Party Going Off The Rails

PEEKSKILL, NY—Describing a wild scene in which performers and stagehands were loudly conversing, laughing, and occasionally breaking back into their characters from the play, sources confirmed Sunday night that the cast party for the local production of Our Town is currently going off the rails.

Thieves Make Off With Museum’s Most Valuable Docents

CHICAGO—In what is being described as a sophisticated and well-executed heist, thieves stole nine of the Art Institute of Chicago’s most valuable docents in broad daylight this morning, according to museum and law enforcement officials.
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NAACP Says Enough Done To Promote Racial Equality

WASHINGTON, DC—Kweisi Mfume, executive director of the National Association for the Advancement of Colored People, told reporters at a press conference yesterday that the NAACP would disband effective immediately, as a more-than-satisfactory amount of effort has been made to promote racial equality.

Executive director Kweisi Mfume (right) is disbanding the NAACP, as "more than enough" racial progress has been made. Said Mfume: "Whoa... Slow down there. That's enough with the advancements, already."

"Really, everyone has been super and you've all just done so much. I couldn't ask for more," Mfume said in an open statement to all U.S. citizens. "Once again, bravo."

Among the actions with which Mfume is satisfied are the election and appointment of blacks to powerful, high-ranking government jobs; positive messages about diversity and tolerance presented in the media; and the naming of many city streets after Martin Luther King, Jr.

"I mean, I hoped for results, but this is spectacular," Mfume continued. "If I can do anything—and I mean anything—for any of you folks in return, please don't hesitate to ask."

Also speaking at the conference were several other top African-American leaders, including Rev. Jesse Jackson, Rev. Al Sharpton and Nation of Islam leader Louis Farrakhan.

"Wow. That's all I can say," Farrakhan said. "You'd never guess this is the country that 400 years ago shipped the noble black man to the continent in chains. I mean, what a difference a few centuries makes. Wow."

Farrakhan added that America would now be a utopia if only the wicked, money-hoarding Jews could be eradicated.

In an energetic speech punctuated by podium-slapping and casually metered rhymes, Jackson said, "Brothers and sisters—I am here today to tell everyone... that for all the great things they have done... our honky friends are number one."

When asked if there is anything else that could be done to help African-Americans make positive strides, Jackson replied, "Nope, thanks... we're pretty much set."

Sharpton, the last to speak, ceremonially presented the final NAACP Image Award, an oversized eight-foot-tall statuette, to "all non-African-American Americans for the marvelous efforts they have made to make America a land of true equality."

Sharpton then announced that he will step down from civil rights crusading, and concentrate full-time on his "Sharpton Farms" line of gourmet jams and jellies.

According to Mfume, the dismantling of the NAACP is a natural course of events given how much progress has been made: "At the rate we've been going, within a few years African-Americans would actually be better off than white people," he said. "So it was just sort of time for us all to say, 'Whoa... Slow down there. That's enough with the advancements for colored people, already."

Mfume said that if the NAACP were to re-form and take action in the future, it would likely be against the "vicious, hateful persecution of those of Swiss ancestry in this country."

More from this section

Louvre Curators Hurry To Display Ugly Van Gogh Donor Gave Them Before Surprise Visit

PARIS—After retrieving the eyesore from amid a clutter of unused display cases and movable stanchions in the back of the facility’s basement where it had been stowed ever since the museum received it, curators at the Louvre hurried to display an ugly Vincent van Gogh painting before the artwork’s donor made a surprise visit to the museum Friday.

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