adBlockCheck

NAACP Says Enough Done To Promote Racial Equality

Top Headlines

Recent News

Aunt On Facebook Casually Advocates War Crime

WILLIAMSPORT, PA—Arguing that it was time to deal decisively with the threat of terrorism, local aunt Deborah Massey casually advocated a war crime Monday in a brief Facebook post, sources confirmed. “Any city that has ISIS people hiding out in it needs to be bombed to the ground.

Dad Shares Photo Album Through Never-Before-Seen Website

SECAUCUS, NJ—Wondering aloud how the father of three even managed to find the online image-hosting service, family members of local dad Phil Yates told reporters Monday the 57-year-old had shared a photo album with them through a never-before-seen website.

How Obamacare Can Be Improved

With Aetna just the latest health insurance provider to opt out of covering Obamacare markets, many are wondering what changes can make the Affordable Care Act more appealing to customers and insurance companies. Here are some proposed improvements

NASA Discovers Distant Planet Located Outside Funding Capabilities

WASHINGTON—Noting that the celestial body lies within the habitable zone of its parent star and could potentially harbor liquid water, NASA officials announced at a press conference Thursday they have discovered an Earth-like planet located outside their funding capabilities.

A Primer On Everyday Sexism

Though opportunities for women have increased considerably over the past century, insidious everyday sexism continues to inform the female experience. Here are some commonly asked questions about this pervasive form of discrimination

Diehard Trump Voters Confirm Rest Of Nation Should Stop Wasting Time Trying To Reach Them

‘If Anything Could Change Our Minds, It Would’ve Happened By Now,’ Say Candidate’s Supporters

WASHINGTON—Saying it should be very clear by now that absolutely nothing can change their position on the matter, steadfast supporters of Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump told the rest of the nation Wednesday that it really shouldn’t bother trying to persuade them not to vote for him.

Mom Learns About New Vegetable

MERRILVILLE, IN—Excitedly sharing the news with her husband and two teenage children, local mother Karen Tyson, 49, learned about a new vegetable Wednesday, sources confirmed.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

NAACP Says Enough Done To Promote Racial Equality

WASHINGTON, DC—Kweisi Mfume, executive director of the National Association for the Advancement of Colored People, told reporters at a press conference yesterday that the NAACP would disband effective immediately, as a more-than-satisfactory amount of effort has been made to promote racial equality.

Executive director Kweisi Mfume (right) is disbanding the NAACP, as "more than enough" racial progress has been made. Said Mfume: "Whoa... Slow down there. That's enough with the advancements, already."

"Really, everyone has been super and you've all just done so much. I couldn't ask for more," Mfume said in an open statement to all U.S. citizens. "Once again, bravo."

Among the actions with which Mfume is satisfied are the election and appointment of blacks to powerful, high-ranking government jobs; positive messages about diversity and tolerance presented in the media; and the naming of many city streets after Martin Luther King, Jr.

"I mean, I hoped for results, but this is spectacular," Mfume continued. "If I can do anything—and I mean anything—for any of you folks in return, please don't hesitate to ask."

Also speaking at the conference were several other top African-American leaders, including Rev. Jesse Jackson, Rev. Al Sharpton and Nation of Islam leader Louis Farrakhan.

"Wow. That's all I can say," Farrakhan said. "You'd never guess this is the country that 400 years ago shipped the noble black man to the continent in chains. I mean, what a difference a few centuries makes. Wow."

Farrakhan added that America would now be a utopia if only the wicked, money-hoarding Jews could be eradicated.

In an energetic speech punctuated by podium-slapping and casually metered rhymes, Jackson said, "Brothers and sisters—I am here today to tell everyone... that for all the great things they have done... our honky friends are number one."

When asked if there is anything else that could be done to help African-Americans make positive strides, Jackson replied, "Nope, thanks... we're pretty much set."

Sharpton, the last to speak, ceremonially presented the final NAACP Image Award, an oversized eight-foot-tall statuette, to "all non-African-American Americans for the marvelous efforts they have made to make America a land of true equality."

Sharpton then announced that he will step down from civil rights crusading, and concentrate full-time on his "Sharpton Farms" line of gourmet jams and jellies.

According to Mfume, the dismantling of the NAACP is a natural course of events given how much progress has been made: "At the rate we've been going, within a few years African-Americans would actually be better off than white people," he said. "So it was just sort of time for us all to say, 'Whoa... Slow down there. That's enough with the advancements for colored people, already."

Mfume said that if the NAACP were to re-form and take action in the future, it would likely be against the "vicious, hateful persecution of those of Swiss ancestry in this country."

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close