NAACP Says Enough Done To Promote Racial Equality

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Vol 30 Issue 10

Second-Grader Expelled From Sex Farm

WINSLOW, OK—Controversy erupted Monday at an area sex farm/white slavery compound when second-grader Tim Hildemen was expelled for refusing to felch a llama. "This kind of inhibited behavior is totally inappropriate for our sex farm," sex farm commandant Henry Prathers said. The felching incident was to be part of a group-sex video produced by the compound leaders. Hildemen, 7, will be blindfolded, then driven in the sex-farm van to an undisclosed locale and pushed out. Summing up the reaction of an outraged community, mother Ellen Mayes said: "What kind of message does Tim's behavior send to other kids?"

Verb To Follow Noun; Prepositional Phrase To Follow

NEW YORK—A verb is slated to follow a noun in an area sentence this week, with a prepositional phrase expected to follow by sentence end. President Clinton, a proper noun, praised the sentence, saying, "I am proud to commend this basic achievement in sentence construction." There was no comment from the sentence, as it did not contain quotation marks at press time.

White To Attend Boat Show

BALTIMORE—A white is expected to attend the 11th Annual World Boating Expo here next week. "I'll be looking at some of the speedboats," the white said, "but I don't think I can afford one this year." The white, Jerry Strickler, 51, a Baltimore-area orthodontist, is slated to arrive at the boat show some time early Saturday and depart later in the day. It is believed he will wear slacks and a tie. "I'm excited to have this white come to the show," said Bob Elderbrecht, a boat show organizer. "It will be easy to spot him, since he is a white."

Presidential Debate To Be Accompanied By Sultry Latin Beat

SAN DIEGO—Wednesday's presidential debate will be made more exciting by the addition of a sultry Latin beat, provided by the famed Cuban salsa combo Manny Rios and the Havana Horns. The band will be seated directly between the candidates on the stage, providing a steady, conga- and maraca-driven beat throughout the debate. Bandleader Rios will also periodically interrupt the candidates with loud cries of "Aye aye aye aye aye aye!" While the candidates have complained that the beat may be a distraction, the TV networks and debate organizers insisted, explaining that the spicy Latin rhythm may be the only thing that entices viewers to watch. Said Republican candidate Bob Dole, "Bob Dole doesn't want to have to speak over the din of bongo drums when he's talking about important issues. Bob Dole is and will always be a staunch opponent of Manny Rios and the Havana Horns."

Angels Among Us?

A recent poll revealed that 63 percent of Americans believe in the existence of angels. What do you think?

Teens Get Drunk On Award-Winning Microbrew

EAST BRUNSWICK, NJ—The subtle interplay of the three varietal hops in MacTadcaster's Nut Brown Stout went tragically unappreciated Saturday when a group of high-school students got shitfaced on a case of the award-winning microbrew.

Fat-Free Frenzy

Despite Health warnings, Americans are gobbling up fat-free products like never before. Why are we so hungry for them?

Pope Admits: 'God Ain't Said Shit To Me'

VATICAN CITY—Pope John Paul II, elected by his peers to serve as the earthly vicar of Christ, told an interviewer Monday that in the 18 years since his canonization God has not spoken a word to him.
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NAACP Says Enough Done To Promote Racial Equality

WASHINGTON, DC—Kweisi Mfume, executive director of the National Association for the Advancement of Colored People, told reporters at a press conference yesterday that the NAACP would disband effective immediately, as a more-than-satisfactory amount of effort has been made to promote racial equality.

Executive director Kweisi Mfume (right) is disbanding the NAACP, as "more than enough" racial progress has been made. Said Mfume: "Whoa... Slow down there. That's enough with the advancements, already."

"Really, everyone has been super and you've all just done so much. I couldn't ask for more," Mfume said in an open statement to all U.S. citizens. "Once again, bravo."

Among the actions with which Mfume is satisfied are the election and appointment of blacks to powerful, high-ranking government jobs; positive messages about diversity and tolerance presented in the media; and the naming of many city streets after Martin Luther King, Jr.

"I mean, I hoped for results, but this is spectacular," Mfume continued. "If I can do anything—and I mean anything—for any of you folks in return, please don't hesitate to ask."

Also speaking at the conference were several other top African-American leaders, including Rev. Jesse Jackson, Rev. Al Sharpton and Nation of Islam leader Louis Farrakhan.

"Wow. That's all I can say," Farrakhan said. "You'd never guess this is the country that 400 years ago shipped the noble black man to the continent in chains. I mean, what a difference a few centuries makes. Wow."

Farrakhan added that America would now be a utopia if only the wicked, money-hoarding Jews could be eradicated.

In an energetic speech punctuated by podium-slapping and casually metered rhymes, Jackson said, "Brothers and sisters—I am here today to tell everyone... that for all the great things they have done... our honky friends are number one."

When asked if there is anything else that could be done to help African-Americans make positive strides, Jackson replied, "Nope, thanks... we're pretty much set."

Sharpton, the last to speak, ceremonially presented the final NAACP Image Award, an oversized eight-foot-tall statuette, to "all non-African-American Americans for the marvelous efforts they have made to make America a land of true equality."

Sharpton then announced that he will step down from civil rights crusading, and concentrate full-time on his "Sharpton Farms" line of gourmet jams and jellies.

According to Mfume, the dismantling of the NAACP is a natural course of events given how much progress has been made: "At the rate we've been going, within a few years African-Americans would actually be better off than white people," he said. "So it was just sort of time for us all to say, 'Whoa... Slow down there. That's enough with the advancements for colored people, already."

Mfume said that if the NAACP were to re-form and take action in the future, it would likely be against the "vicious, hateful persecution of those of Swiss ancestry in this country."

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