adBlockCheck

Recent News

Breaking: ACLU Hard As A Fucking Rock Right Now

NEW YORK—In response to President Trump’s declaration that transgendered Americans would no longer be permitted to serve in the military, the ACLU announced Wednesday that it was hard as a fucking rock right now.

Voter Fraud: Myth Vs. Fact

Concerns over fraudulent voting have grown since the 2016 election, with President Trump himself claiming that millions of people voted illegally. The Onion debunks some common myths about voter fraud.
End Of Section
  • More News

Nabisco Tentatively Adds Hummus To List Of Approved Ritz Toppings

EAST HANOVER, NJ—Snack manufacturer Nabisco announced Tuesday its tentative decision to add hummus to its list of approved Ritz cracker toppings, temporarily granting the chickpea-based spread the same status accorded to garnishes such as summer sausage and tomato wedges. "At this time, we believe it is in our best interests to move forward with a trial period to assess the value of hummus as a flavorful complement to our line of Ritz products," said Nabisco spokesman Dale Reinert, who demurred when asked whether the topping might one day supplant peanut butter as the preferred filling in sandwich crackers. "Following an 18-week evaluation, we will determine whether a renewal of hummus' certification is warranted." Tuesday's long-awaited announcement ends months of speculation that began last year when Nabisco parent company Kraft Foods invested heavily in sesame-oil futures.

More from this section

Breaking: ACLU Hard As A Fucking Rock Right Now

NEW YORK—In response to President Trump’s declaration that transgendered Americans would no longer be permitted to serve in the military, the ACLU announced Wednesday that it was hard as a fucking rock right now.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close