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Tips For Hotel Etiquette

Staying in a hotel can be a fun and luxurious experience, but it requires consideration of the guests around you. The Onion presents its guide to hotel etiquette:

Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.

Report: This Movie Old Enough That They Might Have Actually Hurt Dog

GARDNER, MA—Realizing the movie was probably made years before any sort of mandatory industry oversight, nervous viewers watching a Turner Classic Movies airing of ‘Home On The Range’ Sunday night told reporters that the classic western was old enough that the filmmakers might have actually hurt the dog that starred in the motion picture.
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Nabisco Tentatively Adds Hummus To List Of Approved Ritz Toppings

EAST HANOVER, NJ—Snack manufacturer Nabisco announced Tuesday its tentative decision to add hummus to its list of approved Ritz cracker toppings, temporarily granting the chickpea-based spread the same status accorded to garnishes such as summer sausage and tomato wedges. "At this time, we believe it is in our best interests to move forward with a trial period to assess the value of hummus as a flavorful complement to our line of Ritz products," said Nabisco spokesman Dale Reinert, who demurred when asked whether the topping might one day supplant peanut butter as the preferred filling in sandwich crackers. "Following an 18-week evaluation, we will determine whether a renewal of hummus' certification is warranted." Tuesday's long-awaited announcement ends months of speculation that began last year when Nabisco parent company Kraft Foods invested heavily in sesame-oil futures.

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