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Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.

Departing Bo Obama Lands K Street Lobbyist Position

WASHINGTON—Touting his lengthy tenure in the White House and close personal relationships with the president of the United States and first lady, executives at Brownstein Hyatt Farber Schreck announced Monday that once the current administration steps down later this week, the departing Bo Obama will officially join their high-powered K Street lobbying firm.
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Nabisco Tentatively Adds Hummus To List Of Approved Ritz Toppings

EAST HANOVER, NJ—Snack manufacturer Nabisco announced Tuesday its tentative decision to add hummus to its list of approved Ritz cracker toppings, temporarily granting the chickpea-based spread the same status accorded to garnishes such as summer sausage and tomato wedges. "At this time, we believe it is in our best interests to move forward with a trial period to assess the value of hummus as a flavorful complement to our line of Ritz products," said Nabisco spokesman Dale Reinert, who demurred when asked whether the topping might one day supplant peanut butter as the preferred filling in sandwich crackers. "Following an 18-week evaluation, we will determine whether a renewal of hummus' certification is warranted." Tuesday's long-awaited announcement ends months of speculation that began last year when Nabisco parent company Kraft Foods invested heavily in sesame-oil futures.

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