Nails, Hair Cared For Better Than Child

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After Birth

Parents Of Crying Child Must Not Be Any Good

WOODBURY, MN—Noting how the pair’s failure to promptly resolve the situation was a clear indication of their inability to raise or care for another human being, sources confirmed Friday that the parents of a crying infant must not be any good.

Conductor Fatigue Blamed In Massive Model Train Crash

BLOOMINGTON, IN—After surveying the dozen railcars and cargo of Lincoln Logs strewn haphazardly across the grass mat, investigators concluded Friday that a massive model train derailment was the result of conductor fatigue.

The Pros And Cons Of Co-Sleeping

The act of co-sleeping, where babies and toddlers share a “family bed” with their parents, is a rising trend in the United States, though the practice is contested by those who doubt its purported benefits. Here are the pros and cons of co-sleeping with your child

The Onion’s Guide To Trick-Or-Treating

Halloween gives revelers a chance to receive candy all over the neighborhood. Here are some tips to make sure you get the most out of your experience and take home a big haul.

How To Talk To Your Child About Sex

It’s not easy to decide when and how to have a discussion with children about sex, and many parents wonder how explicit they should be or where to establish boundaries. Here are The Onion’s tips for having “the talk” with your kids:

Child’s Loose Grasp On Balloon Only Thing Between Peace And Anarchy At Restaurant

JACKSONVILLE, FL—Eating their meals and conversing pleasantly without paying any heed to how loosely the string was wrapped around the young child’s finger, diners at a local Panera Bread reportedly went about their lunch Wednesday completely unaware that 2-year-old Nate Pollen’s tenuous grasp on a red helium balloon was the only thing standing between peace and total anarchy.

Childish 12-Year-Old Still Believes In Father

HARTFORD, CT—Saying she just assumed he would have figured it out by now, local mother Kathleen Rivers expressed concern to reporters Tuesday that her 12-year-old son, Dylan, still believes in his father.

How U.S. Schools Can Improve Math Education

With U.S. students regularly placing behind 20 to 25 other nations in mathematics test scores, many education experts are wondering what the sources of the problem are and how we can take steps to fix them. Here’s a look at how American schools can improve their math curricula and help struggling students:

Mom Keeping Tabs On Coyote Situation

WAYZATA, MN—Regularly updating her husband and children on the frequency and location of sightings around the neighborhood, local mother Dana Salisbury continued to keep close tabs on the coyote situation this week, sources confirmed.

Obamas Decide To Stay In White House Until Daughters Finish High School

‘We Don’t Want To Uproot Them Just For Our Jobs,’ Say Parents

WASHINGTON—Saying it wouldn’t be fair to disrupt their lives after seven years in the same school district, Barack and Michelle Obama this week announced their plans to stay in the White House until their daughters graduate high school.

How To Talk To Your Child About Death

When your family has experienced a loss, it can be a difficult concept for young children to process. The Onion breaks down the best ways to converse with your child about the realities of death

Single, Unemployed Mother Leeching Off Government

WASHINGTON—Taking advantage of the system and giving nothing back in return, local unemployed, single mother Mei Xiang reportedly gave birth to two more children out of wedlock this week and continued to pathetically leech off the government.

Area Dad Informs Busboy He’s Ready To Order

NASHUA, NH—Raising his arm into the air while leaning outward from the table in a bid to command attention from the other side of the restaurant, area father Walter Bierko called over a busboy at DiCapri’s Italian Eatery to inform him that he was ready to order, sources reported Wednesday.

How New Parents Can Stay Healthy

Having a baby changes everything, and the resulting lack of sleep and general stress can contribute to a decline in overall wellness. Here are some ways new parents can prevent bad habits and maintain good health

Single Woman With 3 Young Children Unaware She Subject Of 984 Judgments Today

LINCOLN, NE—Oblivious to the thoughts and looks directed toward her as she shopped for groceries, stopped by the post office, and ran several other errands with her three young children, single mother Karen Nichols, 29, was reportedly completely unaware that she was the focus of 984 separate judgments by strangers this afternoon.

Tips For Traveling With Young Children

Family vacations can be a time for bonding and building lasting memories, but when young children are involved, trips can also be stressful to plan and execute. Here are The Onion’s tips for traveling with kids

Good News Kept From Parents Out Of Fear Of Proving Them Right

DANBURY, CT—Saying she wants no part of the conversation that would inevitably result if she broke the good news, local medical billing technician Jenny Comers reported Friday that she’s keeping word of her recent pay raise from her parents out of fear of proving them right.

Parents Formally Announce Transfer Of Expectations To Second Child

GRAND JUNCTION, CO—Explaining that the adjustment made the most practical sense for all parties involved, local parents Beth and Ryan Morgan held a press conference Friday morning to announce the official transfer of expectations from their oldest child, Jeremy, to his younger sibling, Angie.

North American Children Begin Summer Migration To Dad’s

NEW YORK—With the increasingly warm weather signaling the commencement of their age-old journey, millions of children across the North American continent began their annual summer migration to their fathers’ homes this week, sources confirmed.

Parents Worried Children Old Enough To Remember Family Vacation

YOUNGSTOWN, OH—Fearing that their kids’ impressions of the experience could quite possibly remain with them for the rest of their lives, parents Joel and Bethany Weyandt told reporters Tuesday they are worried their children are old enough to remember the details of their recent family vacation.

Report: Dad Wants To Show You Where Fuse Box Is

YOUR LOCATION—Noting that it’s important to be prepared in case of emergencies but it’s also a good thing to know in general, your dad announced today that he wants to show you where the fuse box is.

Kids Love When Mom Sad Enough To Just Order Pizza

FORT WORTH, TX—Saying they get their hopes up anytime they notice her looking particularly downhearted, siblings Paulo and Marisa Hernandez told reporters Wednesday they love it when their mother is sad enough to just order pizza.

Baby-Naming Tips For New Moms

Mothershould’s Grace Manning-Devlin breaks down some of the hottest baby names of the year, such as Cooper, Tanner, Milkman, and Serf.

Pros And Cons Of Standardized Testing

As the American education system continues to place more emphasis on standardized testing to measure academic achievement, critics have argued that it can be more harmful than helpful to students’ development in the long run. Here are some of the pros and cons of standardized testing:

Being Older Than Daughter Babysitter’s Only Qualification

UTICA, NY—Possessing no particular proficiencies or training whatsoever, local 12-year-old Jessica Radloff was reportedly hired to babysit Hayley Carden, 7, this week based solely on her qualification of being older than the child she was asked to watch.

Total Weirdo Spends Mother’s Day At Cemetery

ST. MARYS, OH—Apparently content to hang around dead people rather than celebrate like a normal person, area weirdo John Mills spent most of Mother’s Day at a local cemetery, creeped-out sources confirmed.

Child Visiting Ellis Island Sees Where Grandparents Once Toured

ELLIS ISLAND, NY—Pausing to imagine the throngs of people who must have arrived with them that day back in 1994, 12-year-old Max Bertrand reportedly spent his visit to Ellis Island this afternoon walking around the same immigrant station his grandparents once toured.

Email From Mom Sent At 5:32 A.M.

DENVER—After waking up and finding the message waiting on his computer, local man Drew Swanson confirmed to reporters Thursday that his mother had sent him an email at 5:32 a.m.

Blog Post Read By Mother To Shape Child’s Next 18 Years

PAOLI, PA—Poised to inform future parenting decisions on medical care, dietary restrictions, and everyday well-being, the blog post “Fluoride Drops For Kids—Good Idea?” which was read by local mother Laurie Miller earlier today, will reportedly shape the next 18 years of her young child’s life.

Little League Pitcher Just Getting Fucking Shelled

RED BANK, NJ—After watching the 11-year-old give up the fourth straight double that inning, sources confirmed Sunday afternoon that local Little League pitcher Dustin Bauer is getting absolutely fucking shelled out there.

Pros And Cons Of Screen Time For Kids

As technology becomes more of a staple in everyday family life, parents are making choices about how much screen time to allow their children—and asking questions about how computers, phones, and TVs might help or hinder a child’s development.

Oh God, Teacher Arranged Desks In Giant Circle

OVERLAND PARK, KS—Appearing stunned and unsettled as they entered her classroom Wednesday, students from Ms. Frederickson’s fourth-period social studies class were reportedly overcome with panic 

Kids Teary-Eyed After Helping Dad Move Into First Apartment

BOWLING GREEN, OH—With their father marking the start of an important new phase in his life, the children of local man Barry Hunt told reporters they got a bit teary-eyed after helping the 49-year-old move into his first apartment Thursday. Teenager...
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Nails, Hair Cared For Better Than Child

MOBILE, AL—In terms of time, money, and effort expended, local parent Kelly Sweedlin takes better care of her hair and nails than she does her 2-year-old daughter Porcia, the bank teller reported Tuesday.

Sweedlin spends a leisurely hour applying polish to her nails.

"As a single mom, it's sometimes hard to squeeze in my manicures between work and everything else, but I make it a priority," Sweedlin, 26, told her daughter's daycare provider. "If I don't spend the time to really take care of them, who will?"

In spite of all the hard work required to grow a beautiful set of nails, Sweedlin calls it a "labor of love," adding that nothing is more rewarding than a relaxing Saturday afternoon spent "just playing" with different nail-polish colors and discovering new things about the array of beauty products available.

"No matter what my friends say, my nails are not the most important thing in my life," said Sweedlin, as Porcia sat on the floor picking a piece of gum from the bottom of her shoe. "I care about my hair way more. It's just that nails need more pampering if you want them to turn out halfway decent."

To take proper care of her hair, Sweedlin has a regular standing appointment for alternating Tuesdays at the Mane Attraction salon, where stylists spend hours radically changing her hairdo from straight to curly, blonde to brown, and back again.

"I have a special bond with my hairdresser that I don't have with anyone else," Sweedlin said. "If anything happened to her, like if the salon lost her to another place across town, I wouldn't know what to do."

Her most recent hairstyle, a shoulder-length cut, has garnered raves.

"Kelly's hair is soooo darling," said Donna Campbell, owner of Wee Ones Daycare, where Porcia spends up to 35 hours each week. "Thick hair is a gift from God. She must be so proud. I told her to enjoy that style while she can, because before you know it, a relaxed wave like that is all grown out."

Sweedlin examines a freshly-manicured hand.

Porcia spends each morning with her grandmother, who drops her off at Wee Ones at 11:30 a.m. The girl remains there until Sweedlin picks her up between 6 and 7 p.m., depending on whether she takes a detour to Walgreens, where a quick stop can take an hour. While Sweedlin often complains that money is too tight for new clothes for Porcia, she does budget funds for the beauty products she needs to look "professional" for work.

Once the two are home, Porcia plays in her room, watches TV, or sits on the floor watching Sweedlin use her array of curling irons, makeup brushes, and hair-styling products, which the girl is repeatedly warned not to touch.

"That spray bottle is Mommy's!" Sweedlin told Porcia. "You can play with the old hair dryer, but don't you dare plug it in, hear?"

Though their apartment lacks Sesame Street or child-rearing magazines, the end tables are covered with copies of Glamour and Hair Today. Sweedlin knows nothing about major childhood diseases or car safety seats, but the technological advances in cosmetology outlined in these periodicals rarely escape her notice.

"The new sunless tanning lotions are really great, but they're so expensive," Sweedlin said. "Maybe that doctor bill from when Porcia had Noxzema [eczema] can wait another month."

While Porcia's 24-month checkup is four months overdue, Sweedlin never misses an appointment at the Glamorous You day spa, where she regularly undergoes facials, makeovers, and leg-waxing sessions. Though she is on a first-name basis with everyone at the spa, she has yet to learn the first names of any of Porcia's friends in daycare.

"There's so many things I want to be doing, but I don't have the time," Sweedlin said. "I should join a gym before I get too old."

Sweedlin has a number of friends, also single mothers, with whom she commiserates over her busy schedule.

"It's important to have someone to trade tips and secrets with," Sweedlin said. "Sometimes my girlfriends and I get out the photo albums and spend hours looking at how our fashion sense has changed."

Continued Sweedlin: "God, there's this one picture. I'm in a hospital bed for some reason—maybe it was when Porcia was born—and I have this stringy, straight hair. Ugh! I have no idea why I ever kept that photo."

After Birth Video