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Overeager Simpleton Destroys That Which He Loves Most

WICHITA, KS—Agonizingly unaware of his own strength and the devastation it might inflict on the innocent, overeager simpleton Rob McCormick tore apart a bag of potato chips Thursday, despite the fact that it was reportedly what he loved most in all the world.

Raccoon Family Tired Of Taking Care Of Rabid Father

MONTGOMERY, WV—Acknowledging that he has become a real burden on their foraging and nesting activities, a local raccoon family told reporters Tuesday that they are starting to get tired of taking care of their rabid father.
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Naked Man Mingles Freely In Locker Room

NOVI, MI—Bally Total Fitness patron Fred Mahorn, 42, took a post-shower stroll through the health club's locker room Monday, casually socializing with fellow members for approximately 15 minutes in a state of total undress. "Hey, nice to see you," Mahorn said to numerous men he happened to pass in the locker room, his flaccid penis and talcum-powdered scrotum in plain view. Most patrons either nodded or pretended they thought he was addressing someone else. The naked Mahorn went on to sit in the most visible spot in the locker room and apply anti-fungal cream to his feet before eventually putting on a towel.

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