Naked Man Only One Comfortable With His Body

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Vol 40 Issue 35

Grocery-Store Worker Can't Bear To Eat Food Anymore

FLOURISSANT, MO—Pick'n Save stockboy Joel Melcher said Monday that his overexposure to groceries has destroyed his taste for food. "When I first started working here, I thought, 'This is awesome—I'll be able to bring bags of food home from work every night,'" said Melcher, who receives a 25 percent discount at the store. "But now, being around it all day long, at the end of the day I can't even stand to look at frozen food, baked goods, meat, dairy items, or produce. Makes me sick just thinking about it." Melcher has vowed that, when he gets a new job, he "will never set foot in a grocery store ever again."

Smoker Inspired By Sight Of Elderly Smoker

EVANSVILLE, WY—Rod Jensen, a 25-year-old smoker with a two-pack-a-day habit, drew inspiration from 83-year-old Leo Menting Monday. "See, that guy over there's still kicking," Jensen said, after he saw the elderly man smoking a Marlboro at Caroline's Corner Cafe. "I'm always hearing about the health risks of smoking, and how it can kill you, but look at that old dude. He doesn't have one of those holes in his throat. He's not even using a cane." Minutes later, Jensen added onion rings to his order after seeing Menting's wife do the same.

The Scream Poster Stolen From Area Dorm Room

ST. PAUL, MN—Concordia University campus police are still investigating Tuesday's theft of a poster of Edvard Munch's The Scream from an area dorm room. "We're doing everything in our power to recover the poster," officer Donald Benson said of the poster, which was stolen while the two residents of 204 Walther Hall were studying in the second-floor common area. "With its iconic contorted human figure beneath a swirling red sky, The Scream is a masterpiece of German expressionism, and the poster was valued at $7.95." The work of art is one of only 86 copies known to exist on the campus.

Cheney Urged Not To Work Blue During Convention

WASHINGTON, DC—At the insistence of members of the Republican Party, Vice-President Dick Cheney agreed not to work blue during the Republican National Convention, GOP sources reported Monday. "I sat him down and said, 'Dick, this is going to be on television, and we want to project a good, family-friendly image. You've gotta keep it clean,'" Republican National Committee chairman Ed Gillespie said. "I keep trying to get it through to him that using the 'F' word just shows a lack of imagination." A spokesman for Cheney said the vice-president will tone down his speech, but argued that Cheney is "only saying what everyone's already thinking."

Many Lack Potable Water

According to a recent U.N. report, more than one billion people worldwide lack access to clean drinking water. What do you think?

Son, We'd All Like To Lie Around All Day Being 'Clinically Depressed'

Justin? Justin, can you hear me through this door? Are you asleep again? Your mom said you got up to use the bathroom a minute ago. She was hoping you were coming down to have dinner with us. No? Hello? Well, son, I know that you have a real problem; at least, that's what the therapist tells us. Anyway, you're not alone. We all get a little low sometimes. Life is certainly no picnic—don't I know it! But usually, after a while, folks snap out of their funks. Not because they want to, but because they come around to the fact that they have no choice. The truth is, son, we'd all like to lie around all day being "clinically depressed," but at some point, we have to swallow hard and face the music. Step up to the ol' plate.
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Naked Man Only One Comfortable With His Body

MINNEAPOLIS, MN—Claims adjuster Geoffrey Danvers is like many other Minneapolis residents. He is gainfully employed, participates in community events, and is an avid reader who particularly enjoys courtroom thrillers. One thing Danvers does not share with his friends and neighbors, however, is discomfort with the sight of his nude body.

Danvers hangs out around the house.

"Nudity is the natural state of the human body," Danvers said Monday, adjusting his sunglasses and leaning back in his lawn chair to increase the airflow around his genitals. "Europeans have a very relaxed attitude about nudity—both on their beaches and in other public spaces. Why be bound up in clothes all the time?"

He then stood to retrieve a drink from a nearby table, revealing a reddish, woven-crosshatch pattern on his back and buttocks.

While Danvers characterized his naked body as "no big deal," others dubbed it "gross," "embarrassing," and "tragic."

"It's good to be comfortable with your body," said Fran Hendricks, Danvers' fully clothed neighbor. "But you can't expect everyone else to be—for example, someone walking her dog before work who just happens to glance in your living-room window. His junk was just hanging there, swaying like a wind sock in a light breeze."

During the warm summer months, Danvers and his circumcised penis spend many hours exposed to the elements. Danvers said he usually takes his clothes off to cool down, but he acknowledged that he doesn't see the point in putting them back on to mow his lawn, watch television, or prepare spring rolls.

"I don't force my choice on anyone else," Danvers said. "The moment I leave my property, I wear clothes. When I have company over, I usually wear clothes. But if I'm hanging out around the living room—or the kitchen, or the garage, or the deck—why shouldn't I be comfortable?"

Neighbors provided several reasons for Danvers to not be comfortable.

"I shouldn't have to see him strutting his pasty, flabby body around like a peacock," said Elaine Preston, who lives next door to Danvers. "What Geoff does with his body behind closed doors makes no difference to me. But when he's grilling in his backyard or taking out the garbage, he needs to wear some trunks. At the very least, he should close his shades during his morning yoga routine."

Danvers brushed off the criticism.

"The hang-up over the unclothed form stems from the Christian association of nudity with paganism," Danvers said. "But religious people need to remember that Adam and Eve were naked until the devil imposed the idea of shame on them. You'd think Christians would see the human body as a work of God's art."

Danvers prepares dinner.

"You know, I'm just like everyone else," Danvers added. "I put my pants on one leg at a time on those days I wear them."

Neither his dimpled appendectomy scar nor local restaurants' refusal to deliver food to his address have convinced Danvers to clothe himself.

"Nudity has connotations of poverty, slavery, and defeat," Danvers said, his flaccid penis resting on his left thigh. "But when I'm gardening, and it's just me and nature with no clothes in between, I don't feel defeated. I feel triumphant. That is, when I even remember that I'm naked, which I rarely do. See? That's how natural it is."

While most neighbors say they are careful not to visit Danvers without calling in advance, at least one coworker has made the mistake of ringing Danvers' doorbell unexpectedly.

"Last month, I stopped by to pick up some files," coworker Tom McDaniel said. "Geoff came to the door with nothing but the papers. At first, I thought he just wasn't wearing a shirt. Then I looked down and saw his ding-a-ling."

"He even invited me in for some coffee," McDaniel continued. "I could see a leather living-room set behind him. From now on, we'll be exchanging documents via e-mail."

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