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Politics

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.

Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.
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Nancy Pelosi Rushes Into Living Room To Hear Grandson’s First Talking Point

SAN FRANCISCO—Setting down her newspaper at the sound of the young child’s voice, House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi reportedly rushed into her living room Thursday to hear her grandson say his first talking point. “Paul, get in here, I think he’s doing it,” said Pelosi, who reportedly could barely contain her excitement as the toddler proceeded to sputter through a line about reinvigorating the middle class by opposing tax cuts for Big Oil and corporations that ship jobs overseas. “Would you listen to that? He even pronounced ‘special interests’ correctly. Quick, somebody get the camcorder; I want to be able to save this forever.” As of press time, Pelosi was carefully helping her grandson walk back previous comments on Benghazi.

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