adBlockCheck

Recent News

Islam: Myth Vs. Fact

In the wake of President Trump’s proposed immigration ban targeting largely Muslim countries, The Onion separates myth from fact regarding the religion of Islam.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.
End Of Section
  • More News

Narrow Gaps In Bathroom Stall Doors To Be Widened Monday

WASHINGTON—Introducing a new measure set to be implemented nationwide, officials announced that gaps in restroom stall doors in American workplaces, restaurants, schools, theaters, and all other public places will be made wider by the start of business Monday morning. “We ask citizens to bear with us as we modernize every toilet stall in the country by doubling the width of the gap between each door and its surrounding frame,” Health and Human Services Secretary Kathleen Sebelius said of the sweeping, mandatory initiative. “The inconvenience should only last a few hours—just long enough to reduce the overall height of the stalls by several inches and retrofit the doors so they are slightly translucent and feature no locking bolt. Then you may all get on with your lives.” Sebelius added that her department unfortunately does not have room in its budget to pay for the lubrication of the country’s glory holes, but said an effort would be made to sand down any sharp edges that are found.

More Videos

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close