adBlockCheck

Recent News

Report: You Have Won!

Head To TheOnion.com To Redeem Your Winnings

WINNER’S CIRCLE—Sources are reporting that you, valued Onion reader, have won!
End Of Section
  • More News

NASA Announces Plan To Replace Voyager Record With Streaming Service That Aliens Can Browse From Any Device

Platform To Feature Best Of Human Creation Along With Original Mathematical Formulas

WASHINGTON—In a move to modernize its aging Voyager program, NASA announced plans on Thursday to replace the two spacecrafts’ golden records with a digital streaming service that intelligent life forms could browse from any device. “This new service will provide extraterrestrials with easy, on-demand access to mankind’s most important scientific equations, artistic achievements, examples of sounds and music, and so much more,” said Voyager project manager George Textor, noting that the service would offer aliens features such as curated playlists of foreign-language greetings and recommendations based on which diagrams of the human anatomy they liked. “Assuming the user has sensory organs, all they need to do is download the golden record app onto one of quintillions of compatible devices, sign up for a free account, and they’re good to go.” Textor added that for only $4.99 a month, extraterrestrials could upgrade to a premium account without local ads.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close