NASA Completely Forgot Probe Was Returning Today

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Vol 42 Issue 06

Alabama Churches Burned

Since the beginning of February, nine Baptist churches have been burned to the ground in Alabama. What do you think?
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Little League Pitcher Just Getting Fucking Shelled

RED BANK, NJ—After watching the 11-year-old give up the fourth straight double that inning, sources confirmed Sunday afternoon that local Little League pitcher Dustin Bauer is getting absolutely fucking shelled out there.

NASA Completely Forgot Probe Was Returning Today

PASADENA, CA—NASA's Jet Propulsion Laboratory was thrown into chaos Monday after an Australian radar-tracking station notified JPL staff that Stardust II, an unmanned cometary probe, was scheduled to re-enter Earth's orbit in fewer than eight hours. "Holy crap, we completely forgot," said Dave Browning. "I have so much to do—set up a schedule, clean up the clean room. Oh, Christ—the recovery party—where the hell are they?" After the probe landed early Tuesday morning, relieved JPL personnel pronounced the mission a success and asked the news media to call them on June 22, the day before Acheron VII is scheduled to return.
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