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Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.
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NASA Completely Forgot Probe Was Returning Today

PASADENA, CA—NASA's Jet Propulsion Laboratory was thrown into chaos Monday after an Australian radar-tracking station notified JPL staff that Stardust II, an unmanned cometary probe, was scheduled to re-enter Earth's orbit in fewer than eight hours. "Holy crap, we completely forgot," said Dave Browning. "I have so much to do—set up a schedule, clean up the clean room. Oh, Christ—the recovery party—where the hell are they?" After the probe landed early Tuesday morning, relieved JPL personnel pronounced the mission a success and asked the news media to call them on June 22, the day before Acheron VII is scheduled to return.
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