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Science & Technology

Fermilab Receives Generous Anonymous Particle Donation

BATAVIA, IL—Calling it the most substantial private donation the research facility has received in years, officials at the Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory announced Monday that an anonymous benefactor had given them a generous particle donation.

NASA Launches First Cordless Satellite

CAPE CANAVERAL, FL—In what experts are calling a breakthrough achievement that is poised to revolutionize American space exploration and telecommunications, NASA announced Friday it has successfully launched its first cordless satellite into orbit.

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Last week, scientists at NASA announced that they will send a manned spacecraft to the moon by the year 2018. Here are some of their plans for the mission:

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Though we live in uncertain times, we must not forget that the most important thing in life is the legacy we will leave behind for future generations. It is not for our sake, but for theirs, that we must preserve and protect the basic values we hold dear. As we foolishly pursue our short-sighted goals at the expense of those who will follow in our footsteps, we must pause and be mindful of the little ones, our progeny, who will inherit our planet in the next millennium and beyond. Time and time again, gazing into the innocent, trusting photoelectric receptors of a tiny, newly developed cybernetic construct, I am reminded of a fundamental truth: I believe the robots are our future, and we must teach them well and let them lead the way.
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NASA Deploys Congressional Rover To Search For Funding

'Hope' is outfitted with an array of instruments that can detect even minute levels of funding, should any exist.
'Hope' is outfitted with an array of instruments that can detect even minute levels of funding, should any exist.

WASHINGTON—Calling the program “the most crucial in the agency’s history,” researchers at NASA announced Wednesday they have successfully deployed a Special Exploratory Rover to Congress as part of an open-ended mission to seek out any possible trace of funding on Capitol Hill.

The rover, named Hope, is a remotely operated, semi-autonomous vehicle outfitted with ultra-sensitive equipment that can detect even the smallest amounts of program-sustaining revenue, NASA scientists confirmed. The unmanned explorer will reportedly traverse the chambers of both the Senate and House of Representatives, continuing its search as long as necessary.

“The climate Hope will be navigating is incredibly hostile to this sort of research,” said project manager John L. Callas of NASA’s Jet Propulsion Laboratory, explaining that the rover will collect any deposits of funds it can find, however miniscule. “But we have engineered this vehicle to withstand the most challenging fiscal landscape, having learned from previous missions that the harsh, unforgiving environment of Congress often makes it difficult to carry out scientific inquiry of any kind.”

“It of course goes without saying that we cannot send a human being on such a mission,” he added. “The conditions are far too punishing.”

According to Callas, Hope will first be directed toward areas of Congress that scientists believe are most likely to reveal previously undiscovered discretionary cash flows. In the weeks ahead, after investigating several dozen seats on the Senate floor, the vehicle will move on to explore a structure called Mikulski’s Chambers, and by the end of the fiscal year the rover will bring its alpha-particle X-ray spectrometer online, attempting to peer into the largely opaque phenomenon known as the appropriations process.

“Tomorrow morning, we have a narrow window in which we hope to be able to study a House Budget Committee hearing,” Callas said. “We should have Hope in place by evening, at which point we’ll shut it down for the night to save on battery power. That should leave us well positioned to examine the vast mountains of allocation proposals that occur there and look for any frozen capital that we can hopefully break free for future missions and experiments.”

NASA engineers said the rover has several instruments that have been specifically developed for the mission at hand, noting that the vehicle’s robotic arm can flip through thousands of pages of legislation per second, its ocular scanner can analyze budget proposals for any liquid assets, and its delicate sonic gear can periodically test the atmosphere for pro-science sentiments that may have been stirred up.

Hope isn’t the first NASA rover to climb the steps of the Capitol and assess whether conditions in the legislative branch might be favorable to funding. A previous vehicle, Possibility, was launched during the budget crisis of 2011, but scientists reportedly lost contact with it when it attempted to cross the aisle in the Senate and became mired in treacherous procedural maneuverings.

Callas told reporters the current rover’s expedition is “absolutely vital” to NASA’s long-term research goals.

“The clock is definitely ticking,” he said. “The fact of the matter is that this is the last real shot we have at discovering whether there is funding support to be found anywhere in Congress, or whether we are, in the end, truly alone out here.”


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NASA Moon Mission

Last week, scientists at NASA announced that they will send a manned spacecraft to the moon by the year 2018. Here are some of their plans for the mission:

Amazing New Hyperbolic Chamber Greatest Invention In The History Of Mankind Ever

OAK RIDGE, TN—After six grueling years of Herculean research, scientists at the Oak Ridge National Laboratory pronounced EHC-1 Alpha, the new hyperbolic chamber, "an unquestionably, undeniably, fantastically revolutionary milestone in the history of science, mankind, and the universe, all of which it will undoubtedly change forever."

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