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A Basic Guide To Dream Interpretation

Dreaming is a universal human experience, and many similar themes arise in people’s dreams the world over. The Onion provides some context for interpreting these common dreams:

Bill O’Reilly Tearfully Packs Up Framed Up-Skirt Photos From Desk

NEW YORK—Smiling wistfully as he gazed at the cherished mementos that had sat on his desk for much of the past 20 years, former Fox News commentator Bill O’Reilly reportedly grew teary-eyed Thursday as he packed up the framed up-skirt photos from his work space following his termination by the cable channel.

Family Sadly Marks First 4/20 Without Grandmother

ALBANY, NY—Reminiscing about the departed matriarch while partaking in the annual festivities, members of the Osterman family sadly marked their first 4/20 since the passing of their grandmother, sources reported Thursday.

Report: Store Out Of Good Kind

UTICA, NY—Unable to locate them on their usual shelf, local man George Rambart, 41, reported Thursday that the store was out of the good kind.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Donald Trump Jr. Takes Son On Hunting Trip In National Zoo

WASHINGTON—In what he referred to as an important rite of passage for his 8-year-old son, Donald John III, Donald Trump Jr. took his eldest boy to the Smithsonian National Zoological Park for his first-ever hunting trip, sources said Wednesday.
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NASA Launches David Bowie Concept Mission

CAPE CANAVERAL, FL—NASA officials announced today the successful launch of the new shuttle Moonage Daydream, marking the beginning of a long-anticipated two-week conceptual mission inspired by British rock star David Bowie.

The crew of ‘Moonage Daydream’ embark on the 4.5 billion dollar, genre-defying mission.

According to NASA administrator Maj. Gen. Charles F. Bolden, Jr., the highly experimental glam space program—dubbed Project Starman—has been in development for exactly five years. Though engineers initially feared the mission might “blow our minds,” the historic launch ultimately proceeded without incident.

“Admittedly, this is a very bold and risky departure for the agency,” said Bolden, later adding that Bowie’s Ziggy Stardust period and other outer-space-related work has been a major influence on NASA’s direction since the early 1970s. “Those familiar with NASA’s previous, more conventional research and exploration sensibilities are going to be in for quite a shock. Many are likely to be confused and threatened by the boundary-pushing nature of the project.”

“This mission certainly isn’t for everyone,” Bolden added.

NASA chief engineer Mike Ryschkewitsch said that Moonage Daydream differs from earlier shuttle models in several significant ways. Though the overall shape is similar to previous crafts, the exterior of the $4.5 billion vehicle has been fitted with improved shielding, making it better equipped to withstand the hazy cosmic jive.

In addition to the shuttle redesign, several other daring changes have been made to NASA’s equipment. According to Ryschkewitsch, the astronauts, or “spaceboys,” as they will be called during the mission, are equipped with state-of-the-art pressurized suits.

NASA's re-designed Spirit rover, nicknamed 'Leper Messiah,' will measure if sunlight striking the Martian surface is strong enough to produce a snow white tan.

“These new suits are veneered with a protective silver lamé to complement the multicolored lightning bolts emblazoned across the helmets’ sun visors,” Ryschkewitsch said. “They’ve also been updated with several improved components to ensure the team is completely safe when it’s time to leave the capsule—if they dare.”

The five-member crew is made up entirely of United States Air Force officers and includes Maj. Tom Louis, Maj. Tom Greely, Maj. Tom Ohweiler, Maj. Thomas Sinclair, and Maj. Tom Keenan.

While the mission will primarily study paranoia, decadence, and the fluidity of sexual identity in a zero-gravity environment, additional scientific testing will be conducted during the shuttle’s 14-day orbit of Earth.

“One of the experiments we’re most excited about will address the effects of Mars-like conditions on several different species of arachnids,” NASA biologist Norman Stern said.

Public response to the project has been generally positive. Many Americans, however, consider the mission an egotistical and self-indulgent waste of taxpayer money.

“I just don’t see this launch having any sort of lasting influence on future space exploration,” St. Louis attorney Kevin Moran said. “Certainly NASA has to take risks to further mankind’s knowledge, but this mission is simply too ambitious in scope to sustain mainstream interest.”

Added Moran, “It’s pretty out there.”

Though NASA has defended the importance of Project Starman, it has reportedly scrapped a T. Rex–inspired mission named Project Interstellar Soul, saying that the launch of the zinc-alloy probe Venus Loon was made laughably irrelevant by the current program.

More from this section

Bill O’Reilly Tearfully Packs Up Framed Up-Skirt Photos From Desk

NEW YORK—Smiling wistfully as he gazed at the cherished mementos that had sat on his desk for much of the past 20 years, former Fox News commentator Bill O’Reilly reportedly grew teary-eyed Thursday as he packed up the framed up-skirt photos from his work space following his termination by the cable channel.

Family Sadly Marks First 4/20 Without Grandmother

ALBANY, NY—Reminiscing about the departed matriarch while partaking in the annual festivities, members of the Osterman family sadly marked their first 4/20 since the passing of their grandmother, sources reported Thursday.

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