adBlockCheck

NASA Nears Completion of $80 Trillion Earth Sock

Top Headlines

Recent News

How Obamacare Can Be Improved

With Aetna just the latest health insurance provider to opt out of covering Obamacare markets, many are wondering what changes can make the Affordable Care Act more appealing to customers and insurance companies. Here are some proposed improvements

NASA Discovers Distant Planet Located Outside Funding Capabilities

WASHINGTON—Noting that the celestial body lies within the habitable zone of its parent star and could potentially harbor liquid water, NASA officials announced at a press conference Thursday they have discovered an Earth-like planet located outside their funding capabilities.

A Primer On Everyday Sexism

Though opportunities for women have increased considerably over the past century, insidious everyday sexism continues to inform the female experience. Here are some commonly asked questions about this pervasive form of discrimination

Diehard Trump Voters Confirm Rest Of Nation Should Stop Wasting Time Trying To Reach Them

‘If Anything Could Change Our Minds, It Would’ve Happened By Now,’ Say Candidate’s Supporters

WASHINGTON—Saying it should be very clear by now that absolutely nothing can change their position on the matter, steadfast supporters of Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump told the rest of the nation Wednesday that it really shouldn’t bother trying to persuade them not to vote for him.

Mom Learns About New Vegetable

MERRILVILLE, IN—Excitedly sharing the news with her husband and two teenage children, local mother Karen Tyson, 49, learned about a new vegetable Wednesday, sources confirmed.

Tim Kaine Found Riding Conveyor Belt During Factory Campaign Stop

AIKEN, SC—Noting that he disappeared for over an hour during a campaign stop meet-and-greet with workers at a Bridgestone tire manufacturing plant, sources confirmed Tuesday that Democratic vice presidential candidate Tim Kaine was finally discovered riding on one of the factory’s conveyor belts.

Why Don’t People Like Hillary Clinton?

Although she’s secured the Democratic presidential nomination, many voters across all demographics are still hesitant to vote for Hillary Clinton. The Onion breaks down the reasons Clinton is having a hard time luring reluctant voters.

Cover Letter Specifically Tailored To Company Even Sadder Than Generic Ones

BEDMINSTER, NJ—Wincing noticeably as they read the applicant’s claim that he has “always wanted to work for the leading midsize pharmaceutical advertising and brand strategy group in the tri-state area,” sources at Percepta Healthcare Communications confirmed Tuesday that a cover letter specifically tailored to their company was much sadder than any of the generic ones they had received for a recently posted job opening.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

NASA Nears Completion of $80 Trillion Earth Sock

Amid much fanfare, NASA officials unveiled the first satellite photos of the nearly completed Earth Sock yesterday at Cape Canaveral. The mood among attending scientists, who have spent the last quarter century working on the project, was one of deep joy, as the result of the ambitious $80 trillion project was finally in sight.

This photo, taken by the Hubble Space Telescope, shows the enormity of the $80 trillion, 90,000 mile-long Earth Sock. The Sock will provide vital cushiony support in an attractive "crew" style.

“The now-depleted world econ-omies can rest assured that the $80 trillion price tag will buy a lot of snug-fitting comfort and support,” Project Earth Sock coordinator Noam Gekhend said.

Officials credit the Sock’s completion to the unprecedented international cooperation the project inspired, including astronauts and knitters from over 60 nations. Scores of sock construction teams, both aground and in space, maneuvered fleets of Darning Convoys and Knitting Shuttles in complex flying patterns to weave the freight-train-sized strands of cotton fiber into the 90,000 mile-long Sock.

The Earth Sock is the largest man-made structure ever built, dwarfing its nearest competitor, the Great Wall of China, by a factor of two million. It is also cushiony and 100 percent cotton, which means it’s breathable.

NASA scientists ex-plained that the Earth Sock will provide the Earth with much-needed protection against chafing and discomfort as the planet is propelled around the sun at 1,800 miles per hour.

“Imagine walking 1,800 miles an hour in the minus 260-degree cold of outer space without socks on,” Gekhend said. “To do so would be foolhardy. This is what our planet must do every day. Finally, we have done something to protect her.”

International support for the Sock has been overwhelming. “As a nation, as a planet, we can all be very proud of this sock,” President Clinton said. He and the leaders of all 178 nations on earth signed a world resolution proclaiming the completion date, January 1, 1997, “Sock Day.”

Singing sensation Neil Diamond has soared to the top of the adult contemporary music charts with a tribute song to the Earth Sock: Earth Sock / Mighty Earth Sock! / You’re in outer space / With you we can win this crazy race / And wherever you go / We will go with you / In our minds / In our hearts / And in our dreams.

Despite the project’s widespread popularity, some naysayers fault the Sock for being a meaningless make-work project that will devastate the world economy and destroy its delicate ecosystems.

Another drawback of the Sock has been the obliteration of the Southern Hemisphere, smothered under the enormous pressure of the snug-fitting sock. The continents of Africa, Australia and South America now exist only in white cotton relief, their citizens unable to stand up or breathe, inexorably pushed downward by the enormous Earth Sock.

“My family and my farm, everything I had, was crushed under the Sock,” said Pasqual Perquoyez, a Peruvian farmer. “Why was my country forced into poverty to pay for this Sock?”

A lucky few, such as Perquoyez, have managed to squirm out of the Earth Sock through periodic gaps in the breathable, double-knit fabric. But life for such survivors is hard. Their world is an endless white cotton hellscape, the ghostly shapes of buried cities, mountains and loved ones underfoot.

“The destruction of the Southern Hemisphere was unfortunate,” Earth Sock project coordinator Gekhend said. “But realize that the loss of half the planet’s population is well offset by the Sock’s cushiony comfort and at-trac-tive ‘crew’ style.”

Gekhend as-sured the world community that no nations of im-port were smothered by the Earth Sock, only minor Southern Hemi-sphere countries like Uruguay, Na-mibia and New Zealand.

Scientists also warn that the tip of the sock may come dangerously close to the sun’s corona at the vernal equinox (when the earth is closest to the sun), which may cause the dry fabric to catch ablaze.

“Such a fire would quickly engulf the sock and light up the entire planet Earth like a roman candle in a matter of seconds, reducing every plant, animal and mineral into white hot ash, and cause the planet to break up into a fine dust and dissipate into outer space,” Gekhend said. “We’ll know for sure by late Feb-ruary.”

Despite its stag-gering scale, the Earth Sock is only the beginning.

“It is merely a precursor to the Earth Shoe, which we will begin constructing in 2002,” Gekhend said. Coordinators say the Shoe project will commence once the Earth Sock is pulled up over the entire Earth surface, allowing for an easy and comfortable fit in the shoe.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close