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Islam: Myth Vs. Fact

In the wake of President Trump’s proposed immigration ban targeting largely Muslim countries, The Onion separates myth from fact regarding the religion of Islam.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.

Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.
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NASA Now Almost Positive Mars Is Rocky

PASADENA, CA—After initial transmissions from the Mars rover Curiosity provided multiple images of the Red Planet, officials from NASA's Jet Propulsion Laboratory confirmed Monday that scientists are now pretty sure the surface of Mars is rocky. "There are still a lot more tests to conduct, and many additional research projects that will take quite some time to complete, but we are now more certain than ever that Mars is covered in rocks, and that those rocks are red in color," said JPL director Charles Elachi, explaining that Curiosity had already transmitted several high-resolution photographs of "a whole bunch of rocks" from its landing spot in Mars' Gale Crater. "We are only one day into our two-year expedition, but we feel confident in our hypothesis that the surface of Mars contains many kinds rocks—not just ordinary-sized rocks, but perhaps also very large ones. I would say we’ll need to send several more rovers up there, and eventually a manned mission, to prove once and for all that Mars has rocks on it." Elachi also told reporters that he is optimistic the $2.5-billion mission will be a stepping stone toward one day concluding that Mars is big, cold, and completely uninhabitable.

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