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NASA Now Almost Positive Mars Is Rocky

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Brita Unveils New In-Throat Water Filters

OAKLAND, CA—Representatives from Brita, the nation’s bestselling brand of household water filtration products, held a press event Wednesday to unveil a new line of filters designed to be installed directly inside users’ throats.

Video Game Henchmen Plan Meetup Around Explosive Barrels

LEVEL 5—A group of video game henchmen patrolling the warehouse hideout of their criminal mastermind boss informed reporters Wednesday of their upcoming plan to take a brief break from making their rounds to meet up around a stack of five highly explosive barrels.

Study Links Clinical Depression To Getting Dunked On

BOSTON—Identifying a significant factor contributing to the development of the mental health disorder, researchers from Harvard Medical School published a groundbreaking study Thursday that reportedly links clinical depression to getting dunked on.

How Dating Sites Match Their Users

With millions of people opting to use online dating sites to meet new potential romantic partners, many are wondering how computer algorithms can enhance their chances of finding “the one.” Here are the steps that dating sites take to match compatible users

How To File A Patent

In the United States, anyone who believes they have invented something truly unique is welcome to fill out a patent application to protect it, but it’s often a complicated and laborious process. Here are the steps involved in securing a patent

EPA Urges Nation To Develop New Air Source

WASHINGTON—Citing the hazardous levels of carbon dioxide and other pollutants accumulating in the atmosphere, officials from the Environmental Protection Agency urged the nation this week to develop a new air source.
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Ugh, This A Place Where Bartenders Wear Bow Tie

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NASA Now Almost Positive Mars Is Rocky

PASADENA, CA—After initial transmissions from the Mars rover Curiosity provided multiple images of the Red Planet, officials from NASA's Jet Propulsion Laboratory confirmed Monday that scientists are now pretty sure the surface of Mars is rocky. "There are still a lot more tests to conduct, and many additional research projects that will take quite some time to complete, but we are now more certain than ever that Mars is covered in rocks, and that those rocks are red in color," said JPL director Charles Elachi, explaining that Curiosity had already transmitted several high-resolution photographs of "a whole bunch of rocks" from its landing spot in Mars' Gale Crater. "We are only one day into our two-year expedition, but we feel confident in our hypothesis that the surface of Mars contains many kinds rocks—not just ordinary-sized rocks, but perhaps also very large ones. I would say we’ll need to send several more rovers up there, and eventually a manned mission, to prove once and for all that Mars has rocks on it." Elachi also told reporters that he is optimistic the $2.5-billion mission will be a stepping stone toward one day concluding that Mars is big, cold, and completely uninhabitable.

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