NASA Relaunches Astronaut Jim Lovell To 'Finish The Job'

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Vol 46 Issue 40

Clinton, Biden Trading Places?

Reporter Bob Woodward said that an exchange of positions between Secretary of State Hillary Clinton and Vice President Joe Biden is being considered by the White House.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Productivity

Scientists Posit Theoretical ‘Productive Weekend’

CAMBRIDGE, MA—Challenging long-accepted scientific convention, a group of leading MIT scientists published a report Thursday positing that, under certain rare and specific conditions, a so-called “productive weekend” is theoretically pos...

Fantasy Sports

Little League Pitcher Just Getting Fucking Shelled

RED BANK, NJ—After watching the 11-year-old give up the fourth straight double that inning, sources confirmed Sunday afternoon that local Little League pitcher Dustin Bauer is getting absolutely fucking shelled out there.

NASA Relaunches Astronaut Jim Lovell To 'Finish The Job'

CAPE CANAVERAL, FL—Decades after the failed Apollo 13 moon mission, NASA officials announced on Monday plans to launch former astronaut Jim Lovell back into space to complete the task he was contracted to perform 40 years ago. "Yes, he has been retired for some time now, and yes, he seemed quite surprised when we visited him at his home, but Capt. Lovell was hired to do a job, and we intend to hold him to it," said NASA spokesperson Nancy Paulson, who explained that the 82-year-old would be put through a series of g-force and physical stress tests in preparation for his relaunch. "After all, we did pay him to land on the moon." According to Paulson, the new moon mission will investigate a number of previously unobserved phenomena, including the effects of sending a very elderly man into space to die.

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