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Man Holding Hands With Pregnant Woman Must Have Weird Fetish

RED BANK, NJ—Testing the limits of what even the most progressive onlookers considered publicly acceptable, a man was seen by multiple witnesses Tuesday holding hands with a visibly pregnant woman in what many could only interpret as the expression of a bizarre fetish.

Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately

VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.
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NASA Relaunches Astronaut Jim Lovell To 'Finish The Job'

CAPE CANAVERAL, FL—Decades after the failed Apollo 13 moon mission, NASA officials announced on Monday plans to launch former astronaut Jim Lovell back into space to complete the task he was contracted to perform 40 years ago. "Yes, he has been retired for some time now, and yes, he seemed quite surprised when we visited him at his home, but Capt. Lovell was hired to do a job, and we intend to hold him to it," said NASA spokesperson Nancy Paulson, who explained that the 82-year-old would be put through a series of g-force and physical stress tests in preparation for his relaunch. "After all, we did pay him to land on the moon." According to Paulson, the new moon mission will investigate a number of previously unobserved phenomena, including the effects of sending a very elderly man into space to die.

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