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What You Need To Know About Last Night’s Oscars Debacle

Many viewers were left wondering about the sequence of events that led to the initial erroneous declaration of ‘La La Land’ as the Best Picture winner at the Academy Awards Sunday instead of the real winner, ‘Moonlight’. The Onion breaks down what you need to know about this fiasco.

God Sick Of New Angel’s Annoying Fucking Voice

THE HEAVENS—Calling the sound a “cross between a train whistle and a dying goat,” God, Our Lord And Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was already sick of a new angel’s “incredibly fucking annoying voice.

Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:
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NASA Relaunches Astronaut Jim Lovell To 'Finish The Job'

CAPE CANAVERAL, FL—Decades after the failed Apollo 13 moon mission, NASA officials announced on Monday plans to launch former astronaut Jim Lovell back into space to complete the task he was contracted to perform 40 years ago. "Yes, he has been retired for some time now, and yes, he seemed quite surprised when we visited him at his home, but Capt. Lovell was hired to do a job, and we intend to hold him to it," said NASA spokesperson Nancy Paulson, who explained that the 82-year-old would be put through a series of g-force and physical stress tests in preparation for his relaunch. "After all, we did pay him to land on the moon." According to Paulson, the new moon mission will investigate a number of previously unobserved phenomena, including the effects of sending a very elderly man into space to die.

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God Sick Of New Angel’s Annoying Fucking Voice

THE HEAVENS—Calling the sound a “cross between a train whistle and a dying goat,” God, Our Lord And Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was already sick of a new angel’s “incredibly fucking annoying voice.

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