adBlockCheck

NASA: Voyager-1 Has Officially Carried Remains Of Joan Crawford Outside Solar System

Top Headlines

Science & Technology

Brita Unveils New In-Throat Water Filters

OAKLAND, CA—Representatives from Brita, the nation’s bestselling brand of household water filtration products, held a press event Wednesday to unveil a new line of filters designed to be installed directly inside users’ throats.

Video Game Henchmen Plan Meetup Around Explosive Barrels

LEVEL 5—A group of video game henchmen patrolling the warehouse hideout of their criminal mastermind boss informed reporters Wednesday of their upcoming plan to take a brief break from making their rounds to meet up around a stack of five highly explosive barrels.

Study Links Clinical Depression To Getting Dunked On

BOSTON—Identifying a significant factor contributing to the development of the mental health disorder, researchers from Harvard Medical School published a groundbreaking study Thursday that reportedly links clinical depression to getting dunked on.

How Dating Sites Match Their Users

With millions of people opting to use online dating sites to meet new potential romantic partners, many are wondering how computer algorithms can enhance their chances of finding “the one.” Here are the steps that dating sites take to match compatible users

How To File A Patent

In the United States, anyone who believes they have invented something truly unique is welcome to fill out a patent application to protect it, but it’s often a complicated and laborious process. Here are the steps involved in securing a patent

EPA Urges Nation To Develop New Air Source

WASHINGTON—Citing the hazardous levels of carbon dioxide and other pollutants accumulating in the atmosphere, officials from the Environmental Protection Agency urged the nation this week to develop a new air source.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

NASA: Voyager-1 Has Officially Carried Remains Of Joan Crawford Outside Solar System

WASHINGTON—Hailing the achievement as a monumental one for both the space program and humanity as a whole, NASA officials announced Friday that the Voyager 1 probe, first launched in 1977, has entered interstellar space with the remains of late actress Joan Crawford. “The Voyager 1’s plasma-wave antennas recently picked up two significant electron oscillations, leading us to the thrilling discovery that Joan Crawford’s body had crossed the threshold into the interstellar medium sometime around August 25, 2012,” said Voyager project scientist and plasma physicist Don Gurnett, adding that upon completing its primary mission to take the late star of Mildred Pierce as far as Jupiter, Saturn, Uranus, and Neptune in 1989, the spacecraft then continued flying toward the edge of the heliosphere. “When Ms. Crawford was first placed inside the Voyager 1 hatch and launched into space 36 years ago, this was just a far-off dream. To see it become scientific reality is truly overwhelming.” NASA confirmed that scientists have also maintained contact with the Voyager 1’s sister craft, the Voyager 2, which is expected to reach the Kuiper Belt and then jettison the body of singer Bing Crosby within the next several years.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close