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NASCAR Awards Driver $50,000 For Homophobic Comments

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Entire Broncos Organization Announces Retirement After Super Bowl Win

‘There’s Nothing Better Than Going Out On Top,’ Says Every Denver Player, Coach, Executive, Trainer, Office Administrator, Janitor

SANTA CLARA, CA—Following the team’s 24-10 victory over the Carolina Panthers in Super Bowl 50, every single member of the Denver Broncos organization officially announced their retirement Sunday.

Family, Friends Concerned After Peyton Manning Wanders Away From Pocket

SANTA CLARA, CA—Admitting to being “worried sick” after realizing he had suddenly disappeared in the middle of a play, family and friends of Peyton Manning grew incredibly concerned Sunday after the veteran Denver Broncos quarterback wandered away from the pocket during the first quarter of Super Bowl 50, sources confirmed.

NFL Vows To Fix Bottomless Pit On Levi’s Stadium Field Before Super Bowl

SANTA CLARA, CA—Following persistent safety concerns regarding the playing surface throughout the regular season, the NFL made firm assurances Friday to both the Denver Broncos and Carolina Panthers that the bottomless pit in the middle of the field at Levi’s Stadium will be fully repaired before Super Bowl 50.

Area Man Would Hate Cam Newton Even If He Was Different Minority

MURRAY, KY—Adamantly stressing that his disdain for the 26-year-old quarterback is not based on any racial prejudice toward African Americans, local 49-year-old Michael Willet told reporters Friday that he would hate Cam Newton even if the Carolina Panthers star was a different minority.

Rex, Rob Ryan Finally Get Bunk Beds They Always Wanted

BUFFALO, NY—Howling with excitement after seeing the brand-new furniture set in the corner of the bedroom they now share, Buffalo Bills head coach Rex Ryan and his twin brother, recently hired Bills assistant head coach Rob Ryan, finally got the bunk beds they always wanted, sources confirmed Monday.

NCAA Investigating God For Giving Gifts To Athletes

INDIANAPOLIS—Amid a new scandal that many are already calling the most damaging in the history of collegiate sports, the NCAA announced Tuesday that it has launched an investigation into God, Divine Creator of Heaven and Earth, for allegedly giving gifts to student-athletes.

Defunct 4-Year-Old Sports Blog Still Lurking On Internet

FORT COLLINS, CO—Noting that the site devoted to the Colorado Rockies and their minor league affiliates had long ceased being updated without any explanation, sources confirmed Friday that local man Ben Gutowski’s defunct four-year-old sports blog, “The Rockies Report,” was still quietly lurking on the internet.

BCS Computer Takes Over Every Screen In Country During College Football National Championship Game

‘BCS Will Live Forever,’ Reads Text Suddenly Appearing On All Televisions, Computers, Phones Simultaneously

GLENDALE, AZ—Noting that all television feeds and online streams suddenly cut out simultaneously, sources confirmed that the BCS computer took over every single screen in the United States midway through Monday evening’s College Football Playoff National Championship Game between Alabama and Clemson.

Grizzly Bear Catches Spawning Michael Phelps In Jaws

KENAI, AK—Sitting on a rock atop the powerful, churning rapids, a grizzly bear reportedly caught Michael Phelps in its jaws Tuesday as the sexually mature Olympian leaped out of the water while swimming upstream to spawn.

Area Dad Thinks Refs Should Just Let Them Play Football

DOYLESTOWN, PA—Facetiously questioning how the game had suddenly become a non-contact sport, local father Aaron Harper confirmed his belief Thursday that referees officiating a Thanksgiving game between the Philadelphia Eagles and Detroit Lions should just let them play football out there.

Punter Just Praying Returner Doesn’t Make It All The Way To Him

JACKSONVILLE, FL—Growing increasingly nervous as he contemplated being the team’s last line of defense, Tennessee Titans punter Brett Kern was reportedly praying Thursday that Jacksonville Jaguars returner Rashad Greene wouldn’t make it all the way down the field to him.

Defensive Tackle’s Innocence Shattered By Play-Action Pass

EAST RUTHERFORD, NJ—Saying the eye-opening experience has forever altered his worldview, Buffalo Bills defensive tackle Marcell Dareus admitted to reporters Friday that a play-action pass play by the New York Jets had totally shattered his youthful innocence.

Royals Prove Doubters Who Were Still Paying Attention Wrong

NEW YORK—Having capped off their championship run with a 7-2 victory over the New York Mets in Game 5 Sunday night, members of the Kansas City Royals expressed their delight at silencing the doubters who still happened to be paying any attention to the World Series.

Keys To The Matchup: Mets vs. Royals

The Mets face the Royals in this year’s Fall Classic, with the two teams battling for the chance to bring World Series glory back to either Kansas City or incredibly small pockets of New York. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

The Mets face the Royals in this year’s Fall Classic, with the two teams battling for the chance to bring World Series glory back to either Kansas City or incredibly small pockets of New York. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

No One In Gym Class Volleyball Game Willing To Set Ball

LITTLE ELM, TX—With neither team having completed more than two hits during a rally before sending the ball back over the net, sources confirmed Wednesday that no one in Jefferson High School’s third-period gym class was willing to set during a volleyball game.

Strongside/Weakside: Chase Utley

Los Angeles Dodgers second baseman Chase Utley has long been considered one of the best players in baseball, consistently making clean, solid contact with opponents’ fibulas. Is he any good?

Los Angeles Dodgers second baseman Chase Utley has long been considered one of the best players in baseball, consistently making clean, solid contact with opponents’ fibulas. Is he any good?

Jadeveon Clowney Succumbs To Battle With Ankle Sprain

HOUSTON—Noting that the 22-year-old was a “wonderful young man who will be immensely missed by all who knew him,” the Houston Texans announced Thursday that linebacker Jadeveon Clowney tragically succumbed to his battle with a right-ankle sprain.

Strongside/Weakside: Odell Beckham Jr.

Since bursting onto the scene in 2014, New York Giants wide receiver Odell Beckham Jr. has tormented opposing defenders with his dazzling one-handed punches. Is he any good?

Since bursting onto the scene in 2014, New York Giants wide receiver Odell Beckham Jr. has tormented opposing defenders with his dazzling one-handed punches. Is he any good?

WNBA MVP Devastated After Roommate Moves Out Without Any Warning

CHICAGO—Saying she is now desperately searching for any options that will prevent her from being evicted, Chicago Sky forward and 2015 WNBA MVP Elena Delle Donne was reportedly left scrambling Thursday after her roommate moved out of their apartment without any warning whatsoever.

Strongside/Weakside: Chip Kelly

Known as one of the most innovative minds in football, Philadelphia Eagles head coach Chip Kelly has implemented an offense that racks up huge numbers in the loss column. Is he any good?

Billy Crystal Tearfully Admits He’s Never Seen, Been To A Yankees Game

‘I Don’t Even Know What The Yankees Are,’ Crystal Says

NEW YORK—Admitting that he could simply no longer continue living a lie, veteran actor, comedian, and self-professed New York Yankees fanatic Billy Crystal tearfully confessed Thursday that he has never seen or attended a single Yankees game in his life, and indeed has absolutely no idea who or what the Yankees even are.

New LSU Stadium Shuttle Transports Tigers Fans Back To Woods

BATON ROUGE, LA—Saying that they hope to make traveling to and from football games more convenient and enjoyable, officials from the LSU athletic department announced Friday that the university will now offer a round-trip stadium shuttle bus to transport Tigers fans back to the woods.

Strongside/Weakside: Marcus Mariota

With an incredible four-touchdown performance to start his NFL career, rookie quarterback Marcus Mariota showed that he has what it takes to be the Tennessee Titans’ new silver lining. Is he any good?

With an incredible four-touchdown performance to start his NFL career, rookie quarterback Marcus Mariota showed that he has what it takes to be the Tennessee Titans’ new silver lining. Is he any good?

Giants Move Tom Coughlin To Assisted-Coaching Facility

EAST RUTHERFORD, NJ—Saying that they held off taking such a drastic step for as long as they could, officials from the New York Giants confirmed Wednesday that the team had made the difficult decision to move head coach Tom Coughlin into an assisted-coaching facility.

2015 NFL Season Preview

The 2015 NFL season is poised to be among the most memorable and eventful in league history, with several of the notable moments hopefully occurring on the field. Onion Sports breaks down everything you need to know before the season kicks off.

Jayson Werth Catches Foul Ball Without Spilling Beer

WASHINGTON—In an incredible play that drew cheers from the whole stadium, Washington Nationals left fielder Jayson Werth managed to catch a foul ball Tuesday night without spilling the beer he was holding in his other hand.

Strongside/Weakside: Serena Williams

Serena Williams is aiming to clinch a historic calendar Grand Slam at this year’s U.S. Open, forever enshrining her as the last American tennis player worth talking about. Is she any good?

Journeyman Fan Joins Sixth NFL Team In 5 Years

HELENA, MT—Continuing his lengthy trek around the league, sources confirmed Friday that 36-year-old journeyman fan Brian Ferretti has joined the Arizona Cardinals, his sixth team in the past five years.
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NASCAR Awards Driver $50,000 For Homophobic Comments

CHARLOTTE, NC—NASCAR took direct and immediate action Wednesday in response to homophobic slurs made by driver Kyle Busch last weekend, levying an award of $50,000 to the popular Sprint Cup star.

NASCAR spokesman Ramsey Poston said he had reviewed the incident, in which Busch was caught on videotape uttering several common antigay words and phrases after Saturday’s Sprint All-Star race, and found Busch's conduct "insensitive, uneducated, unenlightened, and in keeping with the finest traditions of stock car racing."

"This perfectly exemplifies what NASCAR is all about," Potson told reporters. "We believe that Mr. Busch's ignorant comments are reflective of our organization as a whole and, furthermore, that Mr. Busch is the personification of the sort of family-oriented everyday American values for which our sport is known."

“Congratulation, Kyle,” Poston added. “I thank you. NASCAR thanks you. Its fans thank you. And I hope there are many more derogatory slurs against homosexuals to come.”

Top NASCAR public relations and fan-outreach personnel will reportedly meet with Busch before Sunday's Coca-Cola 600 to present him with an official letter of commendation and a check for the full amount of his award.

The incident in question transpired following Saturday’s race, in which Busch finished second to Carl Edwards after starting from the pole position. TV cameras caught Busch calling Edwards by a common three-letter antigay epithet in the victory lane, and when Edwards' fans objected, Busch addressed the crowd with similarly homophobic phrases.

According to officials and fans on the scene, the agitated Busch then used various disparaging anti-homosexual terms to refer to Edwards' crew chief, car, and sponsors; used many of the same slurs when describing his own underperforming No. 18 Toyota; and even turned his sexual-orientation-based pejorative language on himself, saying that his yellow M&Ms racing coveralls made him look like "a fucking queer."

“Once Kyle made those hurtful remarks, our offices notified him immediately, congratulated him, and ordered him to make a statement of apology for not yelling even more antigay epithets,” said NASCAR code of conduct chairwoman Wendy Opperman, adding that if Busch had continued his bigoted tirade, NASCAR would have awarded him an additional $50,000. “In fact, because of the sensitive nature of this case, we watched the tapes multiple times to make sure we correctly logged all the times he said ‘fucking faggot.’ We wanted to be certain Mr. Busch got the reward he deserved.”

“Going forward, we do worry Mr. Busch will have a tough time handling his image,” Opperman continued. “He’s not just a driver anymore. To the NASCAR community, he’s a hero.”

Feeling pressure to respond to the publicity generated by Busch’s remarks, NASCAR officials confirmed the driver would be the centerpiece of the organization’s new “Don’t Be a Fag” campaign, which urges young people to call each other antigay names whenever possible, especially during school.

Furthermore, in order to cement NASCAR’s official position on the gay community, Busch's fellow drivers will reportedly join him in the minute-long advertisements, not just to show their support for the talented young racer, but to show that the sport is unified in its message.

"I think it’s a good thing for NASCAR to get out there and say, ‘It’s just plain wrong not to be a hurtful bigot,’” Sprint Cup Series veteran Tony Stewart said. "I’d like to think I'd have the courage to say what Kyle said out there Saturday. In fact, I'm pretty sure I would have. You've seen Carl Edwards' fruity little backflip thing he does, right? Pretty damn gay."

"It's hard to believe there was a time when this kind of behavior was frowned upon in our sport," Stewart added. "I mean, I guess there really wasn't, was there? Yeah, didn't think so."

Not everyone in the NASCAR community is happy about the organization’s recent glorification of Busch, with many saying he’s only getting recognition because he’s a star, and pointing out that “tons of us say shit like that about faggots every day and no one cuts us a big check.” Meanwhile, Busch himself is taking more of a philosophical view of events.

"I'm on probation now anyway for flipping off an official or swearing on the radio or in front of camera or some bullshit, so this 50 grand just kind of makes me and NASCAR even,” Busch said. "Man, I really wish those fags in Charlotte would quit tossing each other's salads and just let us do our thing when we're not at work, because the current code of conduct just sucks about a mile of cock."

Busch was then fined $50,000 for what NASCAR is calling "an unprofessional and unwarranted criticism of the Sprint Cup Series and its rules and practices."

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