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Nauseatingly Precious NYC Couples To Walk Around In Rain

The Onion Weather Center looks at New York City where heavy rain causes obnoxious loving couples to come out and walk around the city like a bunch of assholes who have never seen rain before, and an impending blackout gives the city's working class its...

MLB Unveils Memorial For Runners Stranded On Base

NEW YORK—Solemnly ringing a bell 30 times for each of the teams that lost potential runs this season, Major League Baseball officials unveiled Tuesday a memorial outside league headquarters to commemorate all of the runners who have ever been stranded on base.

Dale Earnhardt Jr. Submits Paperwork For Gas Reimbursement

LONG POND, PA—Hunching over the steering wheel of his idling No. 88 Chevrolet SS to closely inspect the odometer, NASCAR driver Dale Earnhardt Jr. was reportedly in the process of submitting paperwork Monday to reimburse his gas expenses for the month.

A-Rod Donates $25 Million To Be Displayed In Glass Case In Baseball Hall Of Fame

COOPERSTOWN, NY—Ensuring that a treasured piece of the game’s history will be forever preserved for future generations of fans, representatives of the National Baseball Hall of Fame confirmed Friday that retired third baseman Alex Rodriguez recently donated $25 million of his earnings to be displayed inside a glass case in their museum.
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NASCAR Champ Trades In Points For Fun Prizes

HOMESTEAD, FL—Moments after the Nextel Cup Series came to an end following the Ford 400 Sunday, NASCAR drivers eagerly redeemed the points they amassed over the course of the season for an exciting selection of prizes, games, and candy. "I knew that every lap was bringing me closer to that awesome BMX bike," said series champion Tony Stewart, who used the remainder of his 6,533 points to get a shower radio, a wall watch, and a mini tape recorder. "I could have gotten the inflatable electric raft if only I got to 7,000 points, or pooled my total with another racer like how Jimmie [Johnson] and Mark [Martin] did, but I'm pretty happy with the prizes I earned." Wayne Anderson, who was forced to pick his prize last after finishing with just 34 points, was only able to afford 15 Airheads and four wax mustaches.

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