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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.
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NASCAR Champ Trades In Points For Fun Prizes

HOMESTEAD, FL—Moments after the Nextel Cup Series came to an end following the Ford 400 Sunday, NASCAR drivers eagerly redeemed the points they amassed over the course of the season for an exciting selection of prizes, games, and candy. "I knew that every lap was bringing me closer to that awesome BMX bike," said series champion Tony Stewart, who used the remainder of his 6,533 points to get a shower radio, a wall watch, and a mini tape recorder. "I could have gotten the inflatable electric raft if only I got to 7,000 points, or pooled my total with another racer like how Jimmie [Johnson] and Mark [Martin] did, but I'm pretty happy with the prizes I earned." Wayne Anderson, who was forced to pick his prize last after finishing with just 34 points, was only able to afford 15 Airheads and four wax mustaches.

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Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

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