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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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NASCAR Considers Single 21,500 Mile Race For 2011 Season

CHARLOTTE, NC—Citing the need to cut travel and promotional costs while still providing a top-notch racing experience for fans, NASCAR president Mike Helton announced Thursday that the schedule for 2011 may consist of a single 21,500-mile event. "Holding 36 separate races as we do now is just complicated, and our fans have to learn a lot of different kinds of ovals from week to week," said Helton, who also confirmed that the three-week race would consist of either 8,600 laps of Daytona's superspeedway or 43,000 laps of the half-mile "bullring" in Bristol, TN. "We're also blessed with a fanbase who, by and large, could watch the whole thing without having to miss any work or school." The announcement was met with only moderate enthusiasm by motorsports insiders, who pointed to the NHRA's disastrous 2003 attempt to condense its season into a single 36-mile drag race.

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