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Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.
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NASCAR Drivers May Strike For Even More Down-Home, Aw-Shucks Attitudes

DAYTONA BEACH, FL—In a reaction to what many close to NASCAR see as an "insufficiently cornpone" and "only mildly folksy" corporate culture, drivers are discussing a possible strike during the 2006 Nextel Cup series. "What we got developing here is shifting a little too close to an actual stuck-up city-folk racing series, with major sponsors from above the [Mason-Dixon] Line and rich team owners who made their money somewheres [sic] else than headache powders or oil treatments," said Herschel "Huckleberry" Rosenberg, a lawyer representing drivers' interests. "What we have is pretty good for now, but sometimes ‘good' just isn't good-ol'-boy enough." Other driver grievances, which insiders say may stall the start of the season, include NASCAR's recent emphasis on safety and crash prevention, and a "dangerous" level of acknowledgment of the lack of minority involvement in the sport.

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