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Sports

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.
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NASCAR Fans Realize Richard Petty May Not Be As Open-Minded As He Looks

TORONTO—Numerous NASCAR fans told reporters Tuesday that recent misogynistic statements made by Richard Petty concerning stock car driver Danica Patrick have led them to the realization that the retired racing legend may not in fact be quite as open-minded as he initially appears. “When you look at Richard Petty, you naturally assume he’s a progressive, open-minded individual with a healthy, 21st-century perspective on gender relations, but his comments have really thrown me for a loop,” said NASCAR enthusiast Clinton Bradshaw, emphasizing that Petty’s claims that Patrick is incapable of winning a Sprint Cup Series race and only receives media attention because she’s a woman “just don’t gel” with most people’s automatic perception of the 76-year-old North Carolina native. “I mean, just look at him. The sunglasses. The cowboy hat. You hear that Southern drawl, and you think to yourself, ‘This guy has got to be a champion of equality and civil rights.’ And then he goes and says something that forces you to completely reexamine your assumptions. I don’t even know what to think—I mean, this is Richard Lee Petty we’re talking about, for crying out loud!” Bradshaw, who acknowledged that Petty’s views on Patrick’s racing abilities were shocking, took solace in the fact that they couldn’t possibly be shared by anyone else in the NASCAR world.

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