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Refs Let 49ers Put As Many Men On Field As They Want

SEATTLE—Sighing into the microphone as he stood at the 50-yard line of Centurylink Field, NFL referee Gene Steratore ruled during Sunday’s game that the San Francisco 49ers could put as many men on the field as they want.

Stunned Adam Schefter Receives Ominous Tip From Future Self

BRISTOL, CT—Slowly returning to his desk shaken and confused, sources reported Wednesday that ESPN NFL Insider Adam Schefter was stunned to receive an ominous tip from his future self while walking through one of his office building’s hallways.

‘FanSided’ Ranks All 128 NFL Teams

NEW YORK—As part of its comprehensive professional football coverage in anticipation of the upcoming season, sports news site ‘FanSided’ published an article Tuesday ranking all 128 NFL teams.
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NASCAR Fans Realize Richard Petty May Not Be As Open-Minded As He Looks

TORONTO—Numerous NASCAR fans told reporters Tuesday that recent misogynistic statements made by Richard Petty concerning stock car driver Danica Patrick have led them to the realization that the retired racing legend may not in fact be quite as open-minded as he initially appears. “When you look at Richard Petty, you naturally assume he’s a progressive, open-minded individual with a healthy, 21st-century perspective on gender relations, but his comments have really thrown me for a loop,” said NASCAR enthusiast Clinton Bradshaw, emphasizing that Petty’s claims that Patrick is incapable of winning a Sprint Cup Series race and only receives media attention because she’s a woman “just don’t gel” with most people’s automatic perception of the 76-year-old North Carolina native. “I mean, just look at him. The sunglasses. The cowboy hat. You hear that Southern drawl, and you think to yourself, ‘This guy has got to be a champion of equality and civil rights.’ And then he goes and says something that forces you to completely reexamine your assumptions. I don’t even know what to think—I mean, this is Richard Lee Petty we’re talking about, for crying out loud!” Bradshaw, who acknowledged that Petty’s views on Patrick’s racing abilities were shocking, took solace in the fact that they couldn’t possibly be shared by anyone else in the NASCAR world.

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