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Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

Best Sports Video Games Of All Time

With titles such as ‘FIFA 17’ and ’NBA 2K17’ expected to be popular gifts this holiday season, Onion Sports looks back on some of the best sports video games of all time.

Strongside/Weakside: Ezekiel Elliott

After becoming only the third player in NFL history to rush for 1,000 yards in his first nine games, Dallas Cowboys rookie running back Ezekiel Elliott is an early candidate for league MVP. Is he any good?

Strongside/Weakside: Theo Epstein

In just five seasons, Chicago Cubs president of baseball operations Theo Epstein assembled a team that is competing for the franchise’s first World Series title since 1908. Is he any good?

Jumbotron Really Trying To Push New Third-Down Cheer On Fans

SAN DIEGO—Noting that the phrase had appeared in large blue letters during each of the team’s offensive drives, sources at Qualcomm Stadium confirmed Friday that the Jumbotron was trying really hard to push a new third-down cheer on San Diego Chargers fans.

Strongside/Weakside: Kris Bryant

By leading the Chicago Cubs in hits and home runs en route to their second straight playoff appearance, Kris Bryant has placed himself in the running for the National League MVP. Is he any good?

Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?
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NASCAR Prostitutes And Other Lascivious Motor Crimes

Up-and-coming stock car racer Taft Myers has become embroiled in scandal, with a mountain of evidence that Myers pulled over during the Daytona 500 and picked up a prostitute on the legendary track's infield. While Myers claims he is innocent of all charges, his indiscretion has already earned him a spot among the crudest mid-race acts in racing history.

1993 - Connor Prilge finishes 7th at the Pocono 500 while running a full-fledged crystal meth fabrication shed in the tiny back seat of his car

2007 - Jimmie Johnson commits largest run of white-collar crimes in league history gaining over $300 million in wire fraud all from his Blackberry

2004 - Tony Stewart charged with 3 counts of indecency for running entire Brickyard 500 exposing his genitals through windshield at unsuspecting pit crews.

1997 - Dale Jarrett docked 50 points for serving as getaway driver during large scale bank robbery.

1952 - Wendell Scott becomes first black driver to win Cup Series event, subsequently arrested for being first black driver to win Cup Series event

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