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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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NASCAR Prostitutes And Other Lascivious Motor Crimes

Up-and-coming stock car racer Taft Myers has become embroiled in scandal, with a mountain of evidence that Myers pulled over during the Daytona 500 and picked up a prostitute on the legendary track's infield. While Myers claims he is innocent of all charges, his indiscretion has already earned him a spot among the crudest mid-race acts in racing history.

1993 - Connor Prilge finishes 7th at the Pocono 500 while running a full-fledged crystal meth fabrication shed in the tiny back seat of his car

2007 - Jimmie Johnson commits largest run of white-collar crimes in league history gaining over $300 million in wire fraud all from his Blackberry

2004 - Tony Stewart charged with 3 counts of indecency for running entire Brickyard 500 exposing his genitals through windshield at unsuspecting pit crews.

1997 - Dale Jarrett docked 50 points for serving as getaway driver during large scale bank robbery.

1952 - Wendell Scott becomes first black driver to win Cup Series event, subsequently arrested for being first black driver to win Cup Series event

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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

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