NASCAR Prostitutes And Other Lascivious Motor Crimes

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Vol 47 Issue 08

CynGen Press Release

CynGen released this statement in response to public outcry over a screaming cob of genetically modified corn.

U-Say Responses To Tillis' Resignation

Our inbox has been flooded with emails of support for Tillis following his decision to step down. "God bless you,Tillis. Best of luck in all your drinking." --Jacob E., Franklin, KY "My friends and I will pour a bottle of gin on the sidew...

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Don't miss these upcoming reports by the Onion News Network Special Investigative Undercover Response Team: We all assume there are precautions in place to prevent restaurant employees from masturbating into our food, but is this actually the case? SIURT ...
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NASCAR Prostitutes And Other Lascivious Motor Crimes

Up-and-coming stock car racer Taft Myers has become embroiled in scandal, with a mountain of evidence that Myers pulled over during the Daytona 500 and picked up a prostitute on the legendary track's infield. While Myers claims he is innocent of all charges, his indiscretion has already earned him a spot among the crudest mid-race acts in racing history.

1993 - Connor Prilge finishes 7th at the Pocono 500 while running a full-fledged crystal meth fabrication shed in the tiny back seat of his car

2007 - Jimmie Johnson commits largest run of white-collar crimes in league history gaining over $300 million in wire fraud all from his Blackberry

2004 - Tony Stewart charged with 3 counts of indecency for running entire Brickyard 500 exposing his genitals through windshield at unsuspecting pit crews.

1997 - Dale Jarrett docked 50 points for serving as getaway driver during large scale bank robbery.

1952 - Wendell Scott becomes first black driver to win Cup Series event, subsequently arrested for being first black driver to win Cup Series event

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