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Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.
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NASCAR Prostitutes And Other Lascivious Motor Crimes

Up-and-coming stock car racer Taft Myers has become embroiled in scandal, with a mountain of evidence that Myers pulled over during the Daytona 500 and picked up a prostitute on the legendary track's infield. While Myers claims he is innocent of all charges, his indiscretion has already earned him a spot among the crudest mid-race acts in racing history.

1993 - Connor Prilge finishes 7th at the Pocono 500 while running a full-fledged crystal meth fabrication shed in the tiny back seat of his car

2007 - Jimmie Johnson commits largest run of white-collar crimes in league history gaining over $300 million in wire fraud all from his Blackberry

2004 - Tony Stewart charged with 3 counts of indecency for running entire Brickyard 500 exposing his genitals through windshield at unsuspecting pit crews.

1997 - Dale Jarrett docked 50 points for serving as getaway driver during large scale bank robbery.

1952 - Wendell Scott becomes first black driver to win Cup Series event, subsequently arrested for being first black driver to win Cup Series event

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MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

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