adBlockCheck

NASCAR Struggling To Recover From Yet Another Injury-Free Season

Top Headlines

Sports

Grievances Brought Up With Powerless Supervisor

GRAND RAPIDS, MI—Fed up with an increasing workload and problems with his coworkers at CLG Software, project coordinator William Garsten reportedly took a list of grievances Wednesday to supervisor Todd Watkins, a middle manager utterly powerless to...

Report: Gonzaga’s In Washington, Right?

NEW YORK—Ahead of the team’s first-round game against Seton Hall in the NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament, a new report released Thursday revealed that Gonzaga is in Washington state, right?

Teary-Eyed Robert Griffin III Slips On Draft Day Suit Again

WASHINGTON—With several tears streaming down his face as he stood alone in his bedroom’s walk-in closet, sources confirmed Wednesday that former Washington Redskins quarterback Robert Griffin III slipped on the suit he wore to the 2012 NFL Draft.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Surprises

  • Email From Mom Sent At 5:32 A.M.

    DENVER—After waking up and finding the message waiting on his computer, local man Drew Swanson confirmed to reporters Thursday that his mother had sent him an email at 5:32 a.m.

NASCAR Struggling To Recover From Yet Another Injury-Free Season

LOUDON, NH—As they prepare to begin the Chase for the Cup with the Sylvania 300, top NASCAR executives are worried about the financial impact another season free of horrible injuries could have on the sport. "Every day a car doesn't flip over or a driver isn't set on fire, NASCAR loses money," chief marketing officer Steve Phelps said Monday, adding that the main reason fans say the sport hasn't been the same since Dale Earnhardt, Sr. died in the 2001 Daytona 500 is because no one has been killed or maimed in that time. "Of course, we hate to see anyone get hurt, but then again, we have to put the needs of the fans first." In related developments, NASCAR officials are expected to announce changes to the Car of Tomorrow that include eliminating seat belts, a top speed of 300 miles per hour, and special design features that make you look like a girl if you wear a helmet while driving.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close