adBlockCheck

Sports

Refs Let 49ers Put As Many Men On Field As They Want

SEATTLE—Sighing into the microphone as he stood at the 50-yard line of Centurylink Field, NFL referee Gene Steratore ruled during Sunday’s game that the San Francisco 49ers could put as many men on the field as they want.

Stunned Adam Schefter Receives Ominous Tip From Future Self

BRISTOL, CT—Slowly returning to his desk shaken and confused, sources reported Wednesday that ESPN NFL Insider Adam Schefter was stunned to receive an ominous tip from his future self while walking through one of his office building’s hallways.

‘FanSided’ Ranks All 128 NFL Teams

NEW YORK—As part of its comprehensive professional football coverage in anticipation of the upcoming season, sports news site ‘FanSided’ published an article Tuesday ranking all 128 NFL teams.
End Of Section
  • More News

NASCAR To Discontinue Having Kids Rush Onto Track To Wipe Up Skid Marks During Races

DAYTONA BEACH, FL—In a statement released Thursday, NASCAR announced it would end a longstanding tradition of allowing child volunteers to run out onto the track during races to help wipe up skid marks. "Seeing local kids get the chance to dodge their favorite stock cars while helping to clean the track of excess rubber may seem as much a part of NASCAR as the checkered flag, but unfortunately its time has passed," the statement reads. "We believe the risks now outweigh the rewards for those 10-year-olds who feel the rush of air produced by a stock car flying right by them at 175 mph as they scrub the fabled track surface of Daytona or Talladega." In an accompanying press release, NASCAR confirmed it would erect a plaque near the third turn of the Daytona International Speedway to memorialize the 24 boys and girls killed by a spinning Kevin Harvick last year.

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close