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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.
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NASCAR To Kurt Busch: 'Keep The Drunk Driving On The Racetrack'

PHOENIX—Nextel Cup Series driver Kurt Busch, who was detained on suspicion of driving drunk and cited for reckless driving near Phoenix International Raceway last Friday, has been sternly warned by NASCAR to "save the drunk driving for the racetrack." NASCAR spokesman Jim Hunter, who said Kurt "was only given a standard traffic ticket as far as we know," also noted that, as far as NASCAR higher-ups were concerned, reckless driving and operating a vehicle under the influence of alcohol should be saved for race day. "We built our reputation for family-friendly motor-sports entertainment on three things: sponsorships, crashes, and high-speed danger," Hunter said. "Drunk driving is good for all three, as long as it stays on the racetrack where it belongs." The makers of Crown Royal, who sponsor Busch's Nextel Cup car, say they may consider removing their sponsorship from the series if they find evidence that drivers have been driving drunk outside of NASCAR-sanctioned race events.

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Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

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