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Refs Let 49ers Put As Many Men On Field As They Want

SEATTLE—Sighing into the microphone as he stood at the 50-yard line of Centurylink Field, NFL referee Gene Steratore ruled during Sunday’s game that the San Francisco 49ers could put as many men on the field as they want.

Stunned Adam Schefter Receives Ominous Tip From Future Self

BRISTOL, CT—Slowly returning to his desk shaken and confused, sources reported Wednesday that ESPN NFL Insider Adam Schefter was stunned to receive an ominous tip from his future self while walking through one of his office building’s hallways.

‘FanSided’ Ranks All 128 NFL Teams

NEW YORK—As part of its comprehensive professional football coverage in anticipation of the upcoming season, sports news site ‘FanSided’ published an article Tuesday ranking all 128 NFL teams.
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NASCAR: Why Is It Not Done On Thousands Of Bicycles?

DAYTONA BEACH, FL—Top stock-car racing officials have yet to respond to repeated passionate public demands that their series evolve to reflect the will of the people and the natural order of things, and be contended by riders on thousands of bicycles. "NASCAR is supposedly a sport reflecting the simple desires of the working people, who travel to their work upon bicycles, yet the greedy and aspirational NASCAR chairmen willfully ignore this fact," said one American factory manager whose own single-speed Shen Shye commuting bicycle is a proud symbol of his humble and earnest servitude. "Only when racers pedal shoulder-to-shoulder along crowded city streets to their shifts at tin-smelting plants will NASCAR truly capture the spirit of the laboring classes." NASCAR currently employs large, unwieldy racing automobiles of crude design and garish demeanor, built either by unlettered barbarians or the collaborating Japanese.鱼

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