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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.
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NASCAR: Why Is It Not Done On Thousands Of Bicycles?

DAYTONA BEACH, FL—Top stock-car racing officials have yet to respond to repeated passionate public demands that their series evolve to reflect the will of the people and the natural order of things, and be contended by riders on thousands of bicycles. "NASCAR is supposedly a sport reflecting the simple desires of the working people, who travel to their work upon bicycles, yet the greedy and aspirational NASCAR chairmen willfully ignore this fact," said one American factory manager whose own single-speed Shen Shye commuting bicycle is a proud symbol of his humble and earnest servitude. "Only when racers pedal shoulder-to-shoulder along crowded city streets to their shifts at tin-smelting plants will NASCAR truly capture the spirit of the laboring classes." NASCAR currently employs large, unwieldy racing automobiles of crude design and garish demeanor, built either by unlettered barbarians or the collaborating Japanese.鱼

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Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

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